Let Steve Jobs determine YOUR sexual preference!!

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The story behind the CHEERS Bar War episodes

I get a lot of questions about the “Bar Wars” episodes of CHEERS that my partner and I wrote. So here are the FAQ’s.

Did we purposely plan for the Cheers gang to lose every time?

Yes. Except for the last one. Frustration is much funnier than victory. The trick however, was to find different ways for them to lose – or screw themselves. Guess I grew up watching too many Road Runner cartoons.

What about the last Bar Wars in the final season?

Ultimately, we decided to not only let Cheers win but to demolish Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern once and for all. We’re nothing if not vengeful. Trivia note: That is the only episode of CHEERS that I appear in. I’m sitting at the bar in an early scene.

Who played Gary?

The answer is: which time? We had two actors who played Gary, in no particular order. The first time the character appeared, Joe Polis played him in a 1985 episode called “From Beer to Eternity”. When we wrote the first Bar Wars episode Joe wasn’t available. It was the very end of the season. We had no other scripts so we just had to recast. Robert Desiderio became Gary. For Bar Wars II we went back to Joe Polis and used him one other time. Otherwise, it was Robert Desiderio. Confusing? I don’t understand why we did it either. Hopefully this mystery will be tackled in INCEPTION.

What is your favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars V. My partner came up with this idea. Sam’s prank kills Gary. Or at least that’s what Sam thinks. If you can’t get laughs with a man digging up a grave you’re not a comedy writer.

What is your least favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars VI. The gang thinks a wise guy buys Gary’s bar so a prank unleashes the Mafia after them. We were reaching. And sometimes too clever for our own good. In Bar Wars II, there’s a Bloody Mary contest. We had a number of twists and turns, and after turning in the script, the staff added a few more. By the end I think there were maybe six too many. It was the BIG SLEEP of Bar Wars episodes – no one alive can tell you exactly what happened.

Was it hard to plot these episodes?

Yes. Very. These episodes were a bitch to conceive and then hard to write because there was always so much story. By nature, exposition and set ups are not inherently funny and entertaining. We had to pull a lot of jokes out of nowhere.

What was your favorite gag?

Filling Rebecca’s office with sheep. That’s the power of being a writer. You come up with a goofy idea. And voila, there are fifty sheep being herded onto the set. I’m sure the guy who came up with snakes on the plane had the same heady feeling.There are some Bar Wars type episodes not called Bar Wars. How come?

Those were episodes not originally designed to be bar wars but evolved into them. Or they were competitions not practical joke wars, per se. In other words, I dunno. I’m still trying to figure out BAR WARS II.

And finally, are you that diabolical?

Let’s just say I hope you’re not allergic to sheep.

For FRASIER script fans...

Here's another of our scripts that has shown up on line. It's the FRASIER episode where Sam Malone from CHEERS visits. Also notable, the part of Sheila was played by Tea Leoni.

You can access it here.

Answering your TV questions...

....as I do every Friday.

Let’s start with Matt:

I have quite a few MASH scripts in my collection and in reading through them, none of writers indicate Stage 9 vs. Fox Ranch locations. How did the production staff decide which location to shoot scenes (aside from the obvious: EXT. CHOPPER PAD - DAY).

The key factor was “time of year”. We could shoot exteriors of the Swamp and Mess Tent right on the stage if we had to (they didn’t look as good but we occasionally did it). I wanted to have helicopters landing in Stage 9 but no one was willing to build the giant removable sunroof that would require.

In the summer when it was light from 6 A.M. to 8 P.M. we shot one day for every episode at the Malibu Ranch location. But in planning the scripts we knew that meant a maximum of eight pages. So we laid out the stories accordingly.

And once we went of Daylight Savings Time that was it for location shooting the rest of the season.

If there was an episode that contained mostly interiors (say a poker game show), we held it back. If you have the MASH DVD’s you’ll see a lot more actual exterior scenes in the first half of each season.

sophomorecritic has a question:

When I first saw Mark Feuerstein in Conrad Bloom, I found him to be a likeable actor. Then the show got cancelled and I don't remember seeing him again until Royal Pains where he's really found a niche.
You have any comments or reflections on his circuitous route to stardom? I also thought Conrad Bloom was a good show, what went wrong?

Mark has done a lot of things. I first worked with him before CONRAD BLOOM on FIRED UP where he was a regular.

For some reason he has had the misfortune of being in quite a few series that never took off. In addition to the two I’ve already mentioned there was THE HEART DEPARTMENT (I don’t even remember that one), GOOD MORNING MIAMI, and 3 LBS.

He’s also been in movies with scumbag Mel Gibson and sweetheart Sandra Bullock. I also saw him on stage starring in a Neil LaBute play last year and he was riveting.

As you said, Mark has an incredibly likable quality. He’s also very real. And having directed him numerous times I can tell you he’s a complete gentleman and professional.

I’m happy ROYAL PAINS is starting to catch on. Mark is really one of the good guys. And off the subject, but his wife Dana is equally terrific.

It’s hard to say just why CONRAD BLOOM didn’t work. Probably my directing.

But seriously, it had some good people and good writers. My guess is it came along the year there was such a glut of sitcoms (or as I like to call it – “the Golden Age when we all could make our car payments”) that it got lost in the shuffle.

Aw, who we kidding? It was my directing.

From Vermonter17032 :

Ken, your desire to be Hawkeye raises an interesting question: Is Hawkeye Pierce the coolest TV sitcom character ever?

No. I would have to say the Fonz and maybe Daryl from Larry, Daryl, and Daryl. Not that Daryl. The other Daryl.

Brian Phillips wonders:

Up until the 1990's, I could tell the difference between videotaped shows and filmed shows. Video shows usually looked bright, like news and sports shows, while the filmed shows' colors and lighting are subtler. Are all sitcoms all on film now or have some merely converted to a high quality of videotape?

To my knowledge, all sitcoms – single and multiple camera – are taped in High Def now. With the proper lightening, you can pretty much simulate that softer film look. If only it could make the jokes funnier.

And finally, from Ed Blonski:

Kelsey Grammer just tweeted a show idea about the Crane brothers' sons with guest appearances of Frasier characters.

I'm wondering what you think of the idea and if you would write for such a show?

First off, it depends on who writes it. If it’s Peter Casey & David Lee or the Charles Brothers then I would certainly entertain it. Otherwise, I highly doubt I'd get involved. And I can’t speak for those four gentleman obviously, but my stab-in-the-dark guess is you’d have to put a loaded gun to their heads to get them to consider it. And even then I dunno.

This idea sounds like the MUPPET BABIES but with FRASIER, which brings to mind an idea I always had – CHEERS BABIES. See baby Norm and baby Cliff at the bar drinking beers. I think it would be a delightful show for the kiddies.What's your question???

If Letterman's extortionist wins an Emmy, here's his speech

How does David Letterman feel? He was passed over for an Emmy and yet today comes word that Joe Halderman – the man who tried to extort him – is nominated.

Halderman’s nominated for producing a segment of 48 HOURS.

If he wins, I hope they let him out of prison for the night to accept the award and that he gets to give the speech. This is what I think it should be:

Wow! I wasn’t expecting this. Thank you. Other than being imprisoned on felony charges this has been some great year. Lots of people to thank. The TV Academy, everyone at CBS, Warden Sommers for allowing me to be here tonight, especially since this is the night I work the back sink Certainly my crew. You guys are the best. A couple have even visited me. Hey, when I get out I’ve got some real ringers for our softball team.

I’d like to thank Amanda Knox. This courageous woman was falsely accused of murder and proven to be innocent. We at 48 HOURS were proud to tell her story. I hope to thank her personally. We now have the same lawyer.

This statue means a lot to me, both because it’s from my peers and secondly because it’s heavy. With this baby in my mitt maybe once I’ll be able to take a shower without six uninvited guys washing my back.

Believe me, I’ll cherish this forever. There are not enough carton of cigarettes in the world that would tempt me to trade it.

Well, my ankle bracelet is beeping, guess it’s time to go. Again, thank you. And to all inmates everywhere – never give up that dream!!!

How to get back at the network censor

I applaud the Appeals Court for overturning the FCC's "Indecency" rule this week. So while this is a hot topic...

Battles between show runners and network Standards & Practices (i.e. Censors – despite what their business cards say) are common. Personally, I never had a major run-in with them. They have been annoying and at times infuriating but that’s just part of the process. Most of the time you can work things out. They tend to be reasonable.

But we had an incident in the mid 80s when we were doing MARY (the Mary Tyler Moore comeback vehicle) that at least gave us a chance to get back at them… in some small, admittedly immature, but mirth provoking way.

Our S&P person was a middle-aged spinster. Picture: Aunt Bea from THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. In one episode we had Mary innocently say “yin yang” in a speech. Aunt Bea called and said we’d have to lose that. Why? She said it was a euphemism for penis. Well first off, I had never heard it used in that context and secondly, we weren’t using it in a suggestive manner. “Yin yang” is the Chinese symbol for opposites. Plus, Mary Tyler Moore was saying it. We were not going to have America's sweetheart do a dick joke.

Still Aunt Bea was adamant. She had a list of euphemisms for penis and none of those words were allowed.

She had a list? An actual list?

I got an idea. I said to her it would be very helpful to hear the list so we’d know in the future what words to avoid. Would she please read them aloud to me?

I then put her on speaker phone so the entire writing staff could hear as Aunt Bea went down the list. Just imagine your dear sweet grandmother saying, “willy. wang, dong, baloney pony, Captain Winkie”.

We were dying.

She was clearly uncomfortable too. But when she finished I asked if there was a list for breasts. As a matter-of-fact there was. I had her recite that list to the gang. “Hooters, kazonkas, sweater meat”.

She reeeeally wanted to hang up after that list. But there was yet another list we really needed to hear. “What about vagina?” I asked.

She took a deep breath. And then from “cha-cha” to “hoo-hoo” with every “man in the boat” in between, she rattled off the terms. Dropping the “C-bomb” and a few that were so ugly that I could only picture Mel Gibson saying them.

I thanked her, she hung up, and we howled for twenty minutes.

We got very few S&P notes after that. And to be fair, we always tried to take the high road on that show anyway. We weren’t looking to slip in dick jokes. .

Here’s how far television has come: For a full list of those CBS euphemisms for “penis” watch any three episodes of TWO AND A HALF MEN.

My review of the All-Star Game

The Rally Monkey is off their back. In Angel Stadium, home of Rally Monkeys, thunder sticks, Splash Mountain fountains and other features that just wreak with baseball tradition, the National League beat the American League 3-1 for the first time since 1996. How long ago was that? The Ozone Layer was still fine. Blur was a big hit group. ALMOST PERFECT was even still on the air.

But it was the big Midsummer Classic – a chance to see the best second-tier players in all of baseball after most of the real All-Stars canceled due to injury or disqualification.

Utility man Omar Infante of the Braves made it even though he’s not good enough to start on his own team. And since every club must have at least one representative we saw Michael Bourn of the Astros, hitting a stout .255 with one home run.

Meanwhile, the only player the American League didn’t use was Alex Rodriguez. Huh???

Having one player from every team was fine when you never saw these guys. But now every game of every team is on TV, your computer, and your phone. Plus, there are now 30 teams, not 16 like the old days. It’s especially tough for the American League since they also have to work in the obligatory ten Yankees and ten Red Sox.

The big story of the night of course was the passing of George Steinbrenner. Even in death "the Boss" knew how to grab the headlines. So we were treated to florid tributes of this man who did so much for baseball he was banned from the game twice. What he was was a brilliant businessman. He bought the Yankees in 1973 for $8.7 million and now with the combination of the club and the YES network its value is close to $3.2 billion. I wish he had bought America instead in 1973.

The host Angels can call themselves “Los Angeles” all they want. As Fox announcer Joe Buck said repeatedly, the game was played in Anaheim. There’s a difference. It’s like George Lazenby calling himself James Bond.

Now that the All-Star game COUNTS I noticed a much greater intensity on the part of the Kansas City Royal and Pittsburgh Pirate players for that coveted home field advantage in the World Series.

In the pre-game show, wasn’t that “All-Stars Among Us” feature lovely and touching? Okay, be honest. You fast-forwarded through it, didn’t you? Yeah, so did I. But I would have been moved I’m sure.

Monday was the annual Home Run Derby. I never know how that works. The rules seem to change during the competition. Some guy could hit 30 in a row and lose. Maybe they explain it but truthfully, I never watch. Why? Chris Berman. He’s the ooga horn of sportscasters.

Glad that Big Papi won. His acknowledgment of the late Jose Lima was a classy gesture.

More people watch the Home Run Derby than divisional playoff games (this is true).

Best home run derby moment was a few years ago when Barry Bonds stepped up to the plate and the Astros bullpen catcher signaled for an intentional walk.

Amber Riley from GLEE sang some improvisational power ballad that vaguely resembled the National Anthem.

Nice to see Rod Carew throw out the first pitch; probably the only Jew the Angels ever had.

As usual, Joe Buck did a fine job. But Tim McCarver? First of all, why do you even need an analyst on an All-Star game? It’s not like there’s any strategy in these affairs. No one has bunted since 1946. So what we’re left with is incessant yammering about nothing and vital statistics like Guerrero “has the most RBI’s and home runs for any player who changed teams”. WOW!!!!

Kudos to Atlanta’s Brian McCann, named the MVP for his bases-clearing game-winning double. Chris Rose from Fox handled the postgame interviews and proved to be as good at it and prepared as Melissa Rivers at the Oscars. Chris to Brian McCann: “So in 1996 you were like three. What do you remember about that game?” A) What three-year-old remembers an All-Star game? and B) McCann said he was eight. Undaunted, Melissa asked him where his big hit ranks in his career? What’s the answer to that? Ninth. No wait, eleventh. Fortunately, they cut away before Ms. Rivers could ask if he still bit his nails?

Fox is so committed to baseball they ran a promo proclaiming, “It’s time to get back to FOOTBALL – The NFL on Fox”.

Does anybody in their right mind keep score of an All-Star game?

I love Derek Jeter. In tribute to Bob Sheppard, the longtime Yankees P.A. announcer who passed away Sunday at 99, he used Sheppard’s introduction of him whenever he came to bat. And will continue to for the rest of his career. Unlike “the Boss”, when you say wonderful things about Bob Sheppard, you mean them.

The All-Star game is the only time a member of the San Diego Padres is ever on national television… even though they’re leading their division.

For the first five innings I thought I was watching the World Cup. 0-0. Zzzzzz.

How utterly insipid was that “Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” feature Fox ran when Vladimir Guerrero was up at bat? This is the fucking All-Star Game, not DORA THE EXPLORER!

Here's what I'd REALLY like to see in an All-Star game -- a benches clearing brawl. Would guys get suspended from future All-Star games? Would Yankees and Red Sox start wailing on each other even though they're on the same team?

Some real “Diamond Gems”. A terrific diving catch by Ryan Braun (who statistically is an even worse outfielder than Manny Ramirez and he ranks below Betty White), and a heads-up play by Marlon Byrd to turn a single into a force out in the 9th inning.

At least there is defense in a baseball All-Star game. Were it played like its NBA counterpart (or in Colorado) the final score would be 69-58.

During one commercial break Fox segued from an ad for Walt Disney into one for Las Vegas.

The All-Star Game is a lot like the Academy Awards. It never lives up to the hype, you don’t recognize half the stars, the interviews are inane, and it’s usually too long, but every year you gotta be there. See you next summer in Arizona (unless they move it because of Senate Bill 1070. Or, like the Angels, they can play the game in San Francisco and just say it's Arizona.)

Photos compliments of the L.A. TIMES.