I hate Betty Draper!

I didn’t used to.

She was one of my favorite MAD MEN characters season one. I loved that she shot the neighbors pigeons, and how ingeniously she got back at Don for being in cahoots with her therapist. (I’d say what that was but I’d get a hundred spoiler alert complaints even though it was three seasons ago. Netflix the DVD’s people!)

I also felt sorry for her. She was this trapped 60s housewife dependent on a man who cheated on her constantly. Bohemian women, her kids’ teacher, even a Jew! Yes, she flirted with a nine-year-old creepy neighbor boy but that’s still not sleeping with a Red Sea Pedestrian. Her father had dementia and she had to constantly look at really bad wallpaper in the breakfast nook – so the woman did have heavy crosses to bear.

But starting last season when she took Don back (“She took Don back? Damn! Why don’t you have spoiler alerts?!”) she has morphed into an insufferable frigid bitch. It's hard to get it up when you're afraid it's going to break off.

At first I tried. Every character in MAD MEN is deliciously complex. There are flaws, ugly traits, and weaknesses in all of them. Sometimes the big surprise is when you learn they have good qualities.

But Betty has gone from classic tragic figure to Ann Coulter. Now granted my feelings have been colored by the actress herself who plays Betty Draper. When January Jones allegedly slammed into three parked cars last June and fled the scene, saying, "I can't deal with this commotion" that took away some of her girlish charm for me.

And maybe series creator Matt Weiner wants me to now hate her. If so, he’s done a great job because Betty has become Mary Tyler Moore in ORDINARY PEOPLE but without the warmth and whimsy of that character.

You just KNOW that Betty’s kids – especially Sally – are going to hate her forever. They will both be in therapy for the rest of their natural Lexapro guzzling lives. What does it say about how fucked up a family is when Don Draper (who’s assuming the identity of a dead man) is the most well adjusted? Sally is destined for every eating disorder possible.

Side trip: Pat McCormick, one of the funniest and sickest human beings of all time once told this joke: “Just got back from the Bulimic’s Convention. The highlight was when the cake came out of the girl.” But I digress…

Now Betty’s making someone else’s life miserable. It’s only a matter of time before he’s in bed with a shana meydele.

And all that’s fine except… I don’t want to see it. Whenever the show goes away from Don or the agency to a Betty scene I zone out. Sorry but I’d rather watch the preview for the new RUBICON series or even the BMW commercial than follow the Wicked Witch of Westchester County. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care that she’s unhappy. I don’t care that she’s unfulfilled. I just want her to wake up one morning, look in the mirror and there is Bette Davis from HUSH HUSH SWEET CHARLOTTE staring back at her.

I will say this though, she does serve a function. With Betty Draper around you now KNOW why the men are mad.

Let's see more of Don or Roger or Pete or Peggy or Joan or Trudy. Hell, Trudy can bring along some of her friends from COMMUNITY, I don't care. Anyone but Betty!

Jon Miller

The Hall-of-Fame just got funnier. My former partner in Baltimore, Jon Miller gets inducted into Cooperstown today. Jon is currently the voice of the San Francisco Giants and ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. Yes, Vin Scully is the ultimate baseball broadcaster but Jon Miller is the best of anyone under 82.

And the funniest.

Not that there’s a whole lot of competition in that category. Especially today. Baseball announcers used to have distinct personalities, regional accents, wry wits. Today they’ve largely been replaced by polished generic professionals who all sound alike and bombard you with statistics. Now you’d hear, “Two outs, bottom of the ninth, here’s Eugnio Velez. He’s been struggling, batting .197 with an on base percentage of .384 and with men in scoring position hitting only .178.” Harry Caray would’ve just said, “Here’s Eugenio Velez. Stay tuned for the post game show coming right up.”

Baseball announcing is a lost art. Very few today are master storytellers. Very few really bring the game “alive”.

Thank God for Jon Miller.

Blessed with a gorgeous baritone voice (I sounded like Minnie Mouse compared to him, the bastard), Jon is a throwback to the days when announcers not steroids made ballplayers seem larger-than-life.

I was privileged to share the booth with him in the early 90s in Baltimore. Every night I marveled at his preparation, knowledge of the game, descriptions worthy of John Updike, passion, and more than anything else – ability to entertain.

Like I said, Jon is funny. There were nights we’d be riffing on the air and I’d have trouble keeping up with him. (Don’t you hate it when someone just in passing does something as good as you when you’ve been doing it for twenty years?) I’m convinced, if Jon had gone into television writing instead of baseball he’d be in Comedy Writers Hall-of-Fame (if there were such a thing. And if there were, I guarantee you it wouldn’t be in Cleveland.)

We did lots of zany stuff together on the air. We imitated Wolf Blitzer giving rain delay updates, tried out ridiculous home run calls, a discussion of hockey prompted us to roll our chairs and body check each other while calling the play-by-play.

But my personal favorite bit is this. And it was all Jon’s brainchild. I left Baltimore for the Seattle Mariners. Our first trip into Baltimore Jon asked, for old time’s sake if I could come over and do an inning with him? I said sure. But here’s the thing: he would introduce me as if I were still calling Orioles games. No fanfare, no “nice to have you back”, nothing.

So we come out of the commercial break, Jon says, “Now as we go to the 3rd, here’s Ken”. I say, “Thanks Jon, 3-1 O’s and leading off for Seattle is… “ During the inning we discussed past Orioles games that season as if I had seen them, I did all the commercial drop-ins, and talked about all the giveaways for future homestands that I was looking forward to. After the inning I came back on and said, “Now to the 4th, let’s get back to Jon.” He said, “Thanks, Ken…” and that was that. Apparently the station switchboard was going nuts with confused fans. Was I back? Had I been there all along? Were they just having a horrible dream?

Wish I could be with Jon today in Cooperstown. He now becomes my fourth broadcast partner to enter the Hall (Dave Niehaus, Chuck Thompson, and Jerry Coleman being the other deserving three). “I would rather listen to Jon Miller call a baseball game than see the game myself.” I can’t think of any higher praise than that.

Either that or I’d say, “On to the Hall, here’s Jon.” Knowing Jon, he’d probably like that intro better.

Summer in the "Nutmeg State"

Four years ago this summer I spent July and August in Connecticut. In case you're thinking of vacationing there, here's my travelogue.

Back from five weeks in East Haddam, Ct. and nearby Chester, Ct. where the musical I’ve co-written, THE 60’s PROJECT (pictured above) is in production. My eternal gratitude to Michael Price and the super folks at the Goodspeed Theatre for their hospitality. support, and bug balm. I’ve never worked with a classier, more professional bunch.

If you love Americana (which I do more than just about anything other than money), the “Nutmeg State” is for you. And Sourtheastern Connecticut was particularly beautiful and affectionately goofy.

Stayed at a lovely apartment. Very tastefully furnished. Naked drawings and statues throughout. Even the drinking glasses featured topless women. It’s like I was in my own house.

A local pet store sells reptiles and “critters”. And if you buy a cage they’ll give you two free “long haired dwarf mice.”

Roadside sign spotted: SCENIC ROUTE, NEXT 0.3 MILES.

A fork in the road -- one sign points to Camp Beth El, the other to Christian camps.

There are few Cajun places in the south as good as the New Orleans restaurant in Old Saybrook. Their noontime special is a FAT ASS LUNCH. I qualified.

“Casual” is another name for “fried” when it comes to funky fun seafood restaurants. Lenny & Joe’s is the best.

People could not be nicer.

Keep a can of OFF with you at all times.

If there’s a ten minute thunderstorm anywhere in Connecticut, power and cable goes off for the entire state. Usually for 24-30 hours. The state symbol should be a flashlight.

As green and lush and gorgeous as this place is in the summer I bet the fall is even better. With all the salt in the Connecticut River the red and gold colors of autumn must be extra striking and vivid.

If you go to Killingworth, take a drive down Roast Meat Hill Road. I’m not kidding. There’s really a Roast Meat Hill Road.

The Merchant House on US 154 sells Vera Bradley apparel (e.g. purses) and fireworks. Ideal for milady terrorist.

The local East Haddam liquor store closes at 8. And all day Sunday. Blue laws are still in effect. You don’t see a lot of Yale students here.

My 60’s PROJECT writing partner, Janet, got a manicure where the top coat was hoof veneer. Beware any beauty parlor where their celebrity clientele includes Secretariat.

Take I-84 to New York. The highway is smooth as glass. The second you cross into New York state you hit potholes.

Boy, they love Nathan Hale. One good quote (“I regret that I have but one life to give for my country”) and the guy is a God. Attractions include his house, his school house, his barbershop, the Dairy Queen where he used to make Blizzards.

Connecticut is also the birthplace of Anika Noni Rose who will become a big star after DREAMGIRLS is released.

The Tylerville convenience store sells worms in the freezer section between Ben & Jerry ice cream and tater tots. There’s something terribly wrong when worms are more expensive than long haired dwarf mice.

Towns have colorful names like Moodus and Old Lyme (the actual home of Lyme Disease).

I felt like I was in Twin Peaks. And come to think of it, after the first week, I never saw Laura Palmer. Hmmmm?

At the local Bank of America drive-thru ATM I waited in line behind a motorcycle gang. Guess they needed some extra cash for new chains.

Good morning! The menu at a Middletown diner leads off with “Breakfast Cocktails.” If you go out for pancakes, better have a designated driver.

Do not pass a market without stocking up on bug spray.

Most restaurants close on Monday nights. Every one that is open sells pizza.

Big tourist attraction in East Haddam is the Gillette castle. I can just picture their knights, all using swords with the patented four blades for a smoother, closer kill.

There is not yet a Starbucks in every small town. This might not be true by the time you read this.

Sign in Centerbrook: CALIMARI RECYCLING. From what TO what???

The ambience is very New England. By that I mean a Dunkin’ Donuts on every corner. And their coffee is FAR better than Starbucks.

All you see are people on motorcycles. What you never see are motorcycle helmets. They should rename one of the more treacherous streets Motorcycle Meat Hill Road.

If you bought a house here in 1792 you could sell it today for at least double what you paid for it.

There is better cellphone service in Antarctica than Southeastern Connecticut.

Had lunch at the Griswold Inn in Essex, which claims to be the oldest Inn in America – serving since 1776. There must be a hundred old Inns on the East Coast making that same claim. This one had the very first hand blower in their bathroom. But at the time it was just a guy who blew onto your hands.

If you’re hungry, haven’t eaten in four days and only have one dollar, spend it on mosquito netting.

Larry, Darryl, & Darryl are alive and work at every gas station in the state.

There are wonderful hiking trails. You can see nature at its finest and discover Laura Palmer’s body.

A lot of these small towns look like movie sets. If you like bed & breakfasts, Laura Ashley-like dress shops, tchochkes, and cemeteries this is your heaven.

Some big Indian casinos nearby. For you history buffs, Tony Orlando is appearing frequently.

Based on the number of sightings, I’m beginning to think Connecticut is an Indian word for road kill.

There is a Goodspeed airport in East Haddam. One Cessna, a red shack that says 42B on the roof (no running through long terminals trying to make connections.) and a burned out Quonset hut (the “Admirals Club”). It still takes two hours to get through security. Only airport employee is Grizzly Adams on a tractor demanding $5 landing fees.

In Deep River the ice cream parlor is next door to the tattoo parlor. Perfect for the motorcycle gang that has a sweet tooth.

Only passed through New Haven. Wanted to stop by that venerable jewel of the Ivy League, Yale and tell the students to stop trying to be comedy writers. Go into law or politics for Christsakes! You’re at Yale!

And never got to Hartford. Didn’t want to fight all the tourists stampeding to the Insurance Capital of the World.

But in five lovely weeks I’m sure I saw all the major attractions of the Nutmeg State…except, now that I think about it, nutmeg.

Angie Dickinson: Good enough for JFK not CBS

Good grief! It’s Friday question day. Leave yours in the comment section. Thanks.

YEKIMI gets us started:

Was there ever anyone you wanted to use as a "guest star" on MASH [or other shows] but decided against it or the network decided against it because they felt they had been "overexposed"? [i.e.: too many apperances on other shows, etc.]

Not that I can recall. Generally we try to avoid that ourselves. There have been times when an actor has been suggested and we’ll say, “Jesus, haven’t we seen him enough already?” But those are usually character actors. We’d be thrilled to use Ted Danson in any project we ever do, even if there’s no part for him.

The big double-edged sword for character actors is landing a long running commercial. It’s great money but they can become typecast. I hope for her sake that the Progressive Insurance chick is making a bundle. And good luck to Jack from Jack in the Box if he ever wants to guest on LAW & ORDER.

Networks love “stunt casting” – bringing in a guest star with celebrity value that would attract a larger audience. Movie stars are preferred (duh!). And that’s fine when you’re a big hit show and it’s cool to be on it. Julia Roberts does a FRIENDS. Madonna does a WILL & GRACE. But if you’re just a struggling show (and need the audience boost the most) it’s extremely hard to snare one of those people unless someone on the shows knows a big star personally and is willing to call in a favor. I’m sure you could get Lindsay Lohan to guest on TIL DEATH if you could break her out of jail for five days.

When we were doing ALMOST PERFECT and CBS was hounding us for more stunt casting, we were unable to scrounge up any Oscar winners (living or dead). But we had what I thought was a fun idea. Since our show was set in the writing room of a TV cop show, we thought it would be fun for one episode to bring back all the classic crime fighters from years gone by. Angie Dickinson, Mike Connors, Jim Garner, etc.

We could have said, “We’d like to do a Manson Family reunion” – that’s the level of enthusiasm we received from the network.

So we settled for Marie Osmond (who was terrific by the way).

Barefoot Billy Aloha, who I assume is from Mississippi, asks:

How did you guys decide on top billing? Straws? Grenades?

We go in alphabetical order and neither one of us can spell.

Seriously though, I got top billing at first because I called David to see if he wanted to work together. Once we started selling scripts I offered to alternate billing every year and David said, “No, let’s just leave it this way. My relatives know where to look to see the credit and it’s up there so briefly that to switch every year would just confuse them.”

But within the industry we’re known as both. Either Levine & Isaacs (pronounced correctly – Lee Vine) or Isaacs & LaVeen.

From Bob Gassel:

When it came to deciding what happened to the old gang at Cheers (ie: Rebecca's divorce), were you free to do whatever you wanted, or did it have to go thru several channels?

You’re referring I assume to the FRASIER episode we wrote where Sam Malone guested. You can read the script here.

As I recall, David and I came up with the various scenarios of where the CHEERS characters were then and ran them by the FRASIER staff, which included three former CHEERS producers in Casey, Lee, & Angell. I don’t think they ran our ideas past the Charles Brothers but they might have. We were never told. And none of our ideas were vetoed.

We tried to make them funny and very character-specific. We didn’t want to do anything really crazy with them. Norm is now a big porn star, Cliff is the Secretary of State – that sort of thing (although both ideas are very plausible).

And finally, MIkeN wonders:

DO the cast while filming an episode ever say this part of the script makes no sense?

Only all the time. It pains me to say they’re usually right. But most of the time they’re polite and respectful about it. Not like Orson Welles. I’ll leave you with this recording session for a commercial Mr. Welles was asked to do. Yikes!

Blog spelling and punctuatio, or lack of same

When I can't think of an appropriate picture I always just use one of Natalie Wood.

These posts would be so much eazier to write if I didn’t have to worry about spelling and punktuation. That was always one of the beauties of riting dialog. People don’t talk in grammatically correct sentences and who cares about the spellling because the audience is just hereing the words and not seeing dem. (Shit. That last sentence is in fact a question. I forgot the question mark.)

After having proper grammar drummed into my head in school it was difficult at first to not write dialogue stilted but correct. Eventually you learn that flow and writing conversationally is the key. Then its (or it’s) fun. All bets are off.

Until you have to write prose again (or FRASIER).

(This is the punctuation that is the screenwriter’s best friend -- … Use it to represent any pause. Believe me, it… works!)

It’s (or its) amazing how much grammar you forget. And part of the problem – at least for me --, is that if you (or in my case, me) tend to write quickly, you’re trying to get your ideas on the page while their in your head and I can’t do that when your stopping midthoughtwse to ponder whether there’s a comma here or this participle is dangling or there is no such word as midthoughtwise. (That last sentence may or may not be a question. I’m not sure.)

Back to script writing, you see this in rewrite sessions. There are monitors in the room allowing the writers to see the script as the assistant is typing it. Someone pitches a joke, everyone laughs, the assistant starts transcribing it, and there’s always one asshole who sees himself as the Grammar Police barking out that there should be a comma there, or that’s a semi-colon. That shit is “Proofer’s challenge”. Let whoever proofs the script deal with that. Don’t slow down the process by blurting out that dad needs to be capitalized.

Back to prose: Spellcheck and grammar programs help somewhat. A wiggly green line will appear under something the computer doesn’t feel is right. Half the time it’s (or its) useful and half the time I’m thinking, “what the hell is wrong with this?” Or, “the computer just doesn’t get me.”

Same with spell check – it catches a lot of mistakes but misses others. If a word can be spelled correctly two ways or if you write in the wrong word but it’s an actual word -- : that too won’t get caught. Sometimes I remember the little hints we got in school. Principle or principal – the principal is your “pal”. But as I get older my brain is beginning to fill up with the Infield Fly Rule and where I put my keys and those little tips are fading from memory.

I actually do know the difference between it’s and its (it’s is only used as a contraction for it is) but there are others that I’ll admit, I’m guessin’.

And there are certain words I just don’t know how to spell. So I type in some approximation and let Spell Check correct it. If I ever have to write a letter in longhand I am so screwed. Thank you, Steve Jobs.

The point is… from time to time… you will see grammatical mistakes, misspelled words, made up words, tenses changing, inconsistencies, italics for no reason, and other egregious clerical errors. I do try to proof these posts but things still slip by. So I beg your indulgence. I don’t have an editor. And even one of those doesn’t guarantee (that’s one of the words I always struggle with) 100% accuracy. When I got the galley proof for my book IT’S GONE… NO, WAIT A MINUTE (notice the ….?) this is what it said on the cover:

GALLEY PROFF

On the anniversary of Man landing on the moon...

Here's another taste of the book I'm writing on growing up in the 60s. It's July of 69. This is an event so monumental CBS pre-empted GREEN ACRES for it.

There was even more reason to feel pride about being an American later that summer. We landed a man on the moon. Even Walter Cronkite choked up on CBS reporting it. The weekend of July 20th the entire nation was glued to their televisions. President Kennedy’s pledge in 1961 that we would land a man on the moon by the end of the decade was about to take place.

I watched at home in Woodland Hills with my family and grandparents. Americans had become used to space coverage. There was really nothing to see. Shots of Mission Control in Houston, maps, and anchors at desks. We would hear the communication between Houston and the astronauts. By the Apollo missions we sometimes got to see live fuzzy video of the crew, usually only for a few seconds. But an astronaut would always let go of an apple or hammer and you’d see it float in weightlessness. This trick killed us every time.

I honestly don’t remember whether we saw video or just heard audio when Neil Armstrong made his historic first step. You’d think that would be indelibly imprinted in my brain but it’s not. I’ve seen the video so many times since but that first time – I just can’t tell ya.

What I do know is this: 450 million people around the world heard it. And they heard it at the same time. For the first time in history the entire planet shared a monumental moment together. A moment of awe and disbelief. All the hardships of the world, the various wars, famines, poverty, social injustice, discrimination -- they were all put on hold, as if God pushed a pause button. What was more profound – man setting foot on the moon or that moment of absolute global unity?

And Neil Armstrong – what a great line to mark the occasion: “That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." He wanted to say “one small step for A man” but inadvertently left out the A. It does sorta make more sense that way. But still, as a memorable line it sure has more punch than today’s equivalent – “THIS is American Idol!”

My grandfather had tears in his eyes. He was a teenager when he first heard that some huckleberries in Iowa invented a contraption that actually flew in the air. And to go from that to a man landing on the moon all in his lifetime was completely overwhelming.

And it’s an even greater accomplishment than we realized. The more sophisticated our computers have become the more we’ve begun to appreciate just how rudimentary and archaic the data and technology was back then. What we thought was state-of-the-art back in 1969 was really the Flintstones build a rocket ship. And we blasted three human beings into outer space in that thing. Yikes!

Slipping inside jokes into shows

A reader’s question will sometimes spark an entire post and that’s the case today. Richard Y. wanted to know about inside references and jokes writers slip into shows. Did we do it on purpose? How often did we do it, etc.? He perceptively noticed that on an episode of WINGS, Steven Weber walks by a magazine rack that features an ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY with his likeness and real name on the cover.

Obviously, I can’t speak for everyone but I’d imagine that all writers slip these little nuggets in from time to time. What good is writing a show for 30,000,000 people if you can’t have a joke or two aimed at only six?

In some cases, writers do this to reward the audience for paying strict attention. I think LOST did that 500 times an episode. There are historical, literate, and spiritual references galore. We didn’t do that on ALMOST PERFECT. But any time Nancy Travis or any character was watching TV they were always watching CHEERS.

Hey, I’ll be honest. We do it for our own amusement. We do it because we can.

There’s a very famous episode of BIG WAVE DAVE’S where Adam Arkin keeps commuting back and forth between Hawaii and Chicago. I’m sure you know the one I’m talking about. Well, we show him on a plane four or five times and every time he’s reading my book, “It’s Gone…No, Wait a Minute!” (This did not result in the huge spike in sales I was counting on, however.)

Animated shows are perfect vehicles for slipping in private jokes. The “Dancin’ Homer” episode of THE SIMPSONS that David Isaacs and I wrote is chock-full of names of actual people I encountered broadcasting baseball in the minor leagues. I play the Springfield Isotopes announcer, “Dan Hoard”. Dan was my partner in Syracuse and is a prominent sportscaster today.

There are often cartoon character likenesses of the writers that show up in THE SIMPSONS and FAMILY GUY. You’d think they’d be more flattering.

It’s always a pain-in-the-ass coming up with names for characters. But this is an ideal way to slip in names of people you know. A lot of my former girlfriends show up as nurses on MASH. One became Charles’ sister, “Honoria”. Yes, I went out with a Honoria. It seems that anytime 24 needed a villain who wasn’t Russian or Persian (so that means twice in nine years) they used the name of a Fox network or studio executive.

Growing up, our family dog was named Babette. My mother named her. Can’t say I was ever crazy about the name. So in an episode of MASH that we wrote, Radar loses his hamster, which he named Babette. Then throughout the show everyone gave him a raft of shit for naming her that. After the episode aired my mom called and said, “Very funny.” But again, what’s the point of producing a primetime network television show if you can’t use it expressly to needle your mother?

Anytime I directed a show and there was a scene in a nice restaurant my dad became the maitre ‘d. That turned into a regular gig on ALMOST PERFECT when the show got picked up and “Annie’s” (named for my daughter) became a permanent set.

I used to love in MAD magazine there were sometimes cartoon panels that were just loaded with little bonus gags in the margins and background. Let’s just say there’s a lot of MAD in MASH.