Don't forget Neil Simon

A few years ago at the Daily Grill in Brentwood I was waiting at the valet for my car and there was Neil Simon waiting for his (a nicer one by the way). I mentioned to my kids, who were quite young then, that Mr. Simon was one of greatest writers in America and my son said, “Then how come we’ve never of him?” I laughed of course. Everyone knew who he was. Then.

But now I wonder: how many people today do know who he is? From the 60s through the end of the centry Neil Simon was the king. Name me a comedy writer who got his name above the title of any play or movie he wrote. Or a screenwriter who the studios and directors were forbidden to rewrite. You’ve got to be pretty good and pretty successful to achieve that kind of clout. For God sakes, the man has a Broadway theatre named after him.

Today Neil is in his advancing years and his output of material has slowed considerably. Thus it’s quite conceivable that many young people don’t know who Neil Simon is.

So for young writers hoping to break in and just fans of mirth in general, I say don’t forget Neil Simon. Yes, he’s from another era. And I can’t imagine him ever writing SUPERBAD or FAMILY GUY. But any serious student of comedy will find much to learn (and enjoy) from studying the work of Neil Simon.

His jokes are all so well-crafted and all come out of character. Just once in my life I’d like to write a joke this good: From THE ODD COUPLE when slovenly Oscar confronts fastidious Felix –

“I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!”

There are two soft-cover collections of Neil Simon plays. Even though they may seem dated (since they are from the ancient 60s when dinosaurs still roamed the earth ), check out the early ones. BAREFOOT IN THE PARK, COME BLOW YOUR HORN (his first play), and the incomparable ODD COUPLE. Notice the rhythm, the pace, how each joke moves the story forward, and how each joke just seamlessly flows into the next.

His later work adds drama and depth and of those plays I would suggest BILOXI BLUES, LOST IN YONKERS, and THE SUNSHINE BOYS but there are two or three others you might like even better. He doesn’t get the credit he deserves for his more serious work but hey, that’s the cross all of us yuckmeisters have to bear.

And again, read the plays. Sometimes the movies don’t do the properties justice. Obviously, aspiring scribes should inhale every script of COMMUNITY and 30 ROCK and MODERN FAMILY that they can find, but also add some Neil Simon. There’s pearls to glean from a guy who can write…

Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning...

I had a bizarre dream last night

I was at some party and bumped into Allan Burns, one of the co-creators of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. It was the final year of the show (in my dream). I asked if David and I could write one of the last episodes. Our dream had always been to write a MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. He was thrilled we wanted to do one. I guess in the altered world of my dream we had a track record (or I just have the world’s most inflated ego).

Now we flash to the filming of our show. David and I are on the floor. That’s the beauty of dreams – you can skip the actual “writing” part. In INCEPTION everyone dreams elaborate action sequences and fantastical adventures. I dream filming nights.

The episode we came up with, I have to say, was pretty damn good. Someone filed a sexual harassment suit against Murray. So to prove his innocence he came out of the closet. This set up some fun reactions from his co-workers. Mary couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe she sat right next to a person for years and couldn’t detect that he was gay. Lou was unfazed. He knew it all along. Ted started asking Murray questions about what it was like. Too many questions and way too detailed to just be out of curiosity. Sue Ann came in and said something so offensive I can’t even repeat it but it did get a big laugh and clearly there were no CBS censors in my dream world.

What struck me afterwards was this: how different the storytelling is in sitcoms now as opposed to back then. No, this isn’t one of those “back in MY day we knew how to tell a story. Not like these young pissants today” rants. Just an observation. Comedies today are much faster paced. They’re usually jammed with story. Quick scenes, multiple plots. Or in the case of BIG BANG THEORY – just a barrage of jokes.

Storytelling in the 70s and 80s was generally a little more leisurely. I say “generally” because MASH was just as fast paced as today’s shows (or faster) and maybe that’s one reason why it still holds up so well.

But as a rule series used to be constructed differently. You’d have a collection of colorful characters that all had very disparate points of view. You would toss some issue into the middle of the room and watch as they all had their takes and interacted with each other. You allowed room for the characters to breathe, to just have discussions. The downside was the stories moved slower but the upside was you got to really learn more about these characters. And hopefully you would make a connection and start to truly care about them. So their plight in stories took on an added importance.

Now that’s great when it works. When it doesn’t you’re left with a boring half hour where nothing happens and nothing’s funny. Even that the industry got away with for awhile, renaming them “dramedies”.

Anyway, that was my dream. And it was a refreshing change-of-pace. Usually when I dream about Mary Tyler Moore she has big fangs and is trying to run me over with the car from DEATH RACE 2000.

Lindsay Lohan describes her time in prison

There was an Academy Award winning documentary in the late 70s called SCARED STRAIGHT. Juvenile delinquents who were “too cool for school” received lectures from prison lifers on what it was really like in the joint. Needless to say, they scared the shit out of these cocky little guttersnipes.

As a public service (and you know me – always a giver) I would like to do an updated version. I know a lot of gang members and assorted bad ass motherfuckers read this blog (they especially like my Tony Award reviews) so it’s the perfect forum.

Please welcome my guest blogger, prison inmate Lindsay Lohan!

Thanks, Ken. So listen you guys, prison is oh-my-God like such a nightmare. Okay. First. You have to wear their clothes. And it’s not like they buy them new for everyone like they should if they had any decency. So you’re wearing overalls worn by God knows who? Hygiene is not a priority among these skanks, let me tell you. And by the way they’re ugly. The clothes, not the skanks… although, yeah, the skanks too. If you’re trailer trash but pretty you can always have a good career in porn but these mutts have nothing left but to rob the people better looking than they are. It’s pathetic!

But everybody wears the same thing. Whoever shops for them they should like add on another twenty years. And it’s one thing to wear a uniform if you’re like “Hi, I work at McDonalds and have no future and am not pretty enough for porn” but what if you’re not? What if you’re planning to get a job as a big executive when you get out of prison? Or even star in a reality show? What does it do to your confidence? I mean, just take a look at those losers in the yard. They’re all just such… downers. And for what? You think any of them would be less sorry they stabbed your mother if they got to wear a cute halter top and khaki shorts? I’m telling you, this is the kind of torture they subject you to 24/7.

Oh, and it’s worse. If someone comes to visit you, you STILL have to wear those clothes. I mean, come on! I didn’t kill anybody. And even if I did, that means I have to wear orange?

Now for the privacy. There isn’t any. None. You can’t do your nails without some bitch asking what star you’ve fucked. If I didn’t know better I’d say that being in jail is like being in a cage. As for your room – okay, picture like a dressing room when you’re on location and it’s small and no one even thinks to get you a variety of Snapple. And they’re all “oh, it’s an indie film and I had to mortgage my house” and you’re like, “yeah but how is that my problem? I didn’t tell you to do it.” Waa waa. So it’s like that. Small. No bedspead. No private shower. That’s a whole other trauma. I mean it’s one thing to be naked in magazines. That’s for money. There’s dignity in that. But washing yourself in front of other women, that’s just dirty.

And here’s the worst. I need a moment here. I get choked up just thinking about it. Okay. Okay. They won’t let you text. I know! It’s inhuman! Can you imagine? It’s like you’re completely cut off from your staff. If they’re going to make us check in our cellphones why not just make us check in our thumbs?

Bottom line is you guys, I’ll be scarred for life. I hope this doesn’t drive me to drink. But if it does it’s all on their head – heads? – no, head – maybe heads – I dunno. All of that rehab for nothing because of them! All I can say is that every day in prison felt like a year, so do the math. I was in there for thirteen long years, people. Bottom bottom line -- don’t let what happened to me happen to you.

Get better lawyers.

Thank you, Lindsay.

What do you think? Was I scary?

Ohhhh yeah.

I miss TV theme songs

Yesterday's post was just a tease.

There was an meme going around asking us bloggermeisters to list our favorite TV theme songs. And that got me thinking – I MISS TV THEME SONGS. I wrote about this before but the condition still exists so I'm writing about it again.

Networks today, so deathly afraid of tune out, have all but eliminated theme songs and opening credits. They go by so fast you can’t tell the difference between opening titles and vanity production cards. And I think it does a disservice to the shows and the viewers. A good opening title sequence can really set the tone for the show. CHEERS wasn’t just a bar, it was the place where everyone knows your name. If it premiered today you’d see the logo, an animated glass of beer being filled, and ten seconds of “Sweet Caroline”.

It would be a little hard to sell that the Monkees were this goofy playful rock band if the extent of their theme was “Hey hey, we’re the Monkees!” America would be saying “Hey hey, so what?”

Networks complain that sitcoms are all the same then take away their signature feature.

And here’s what they don’t understand -- a good theme and opening title sequence ATTRACTS viewers. Some people tune in specifically because they LIKE the title sequence. That was me with the Drew Carey “Cleveland Rocks” opening. If only the show was that good.

An added benefit in this day of synergy and cross promotion is that they can become hit records on their own. (WELCOME BACK KOTTER, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, HAWAII 5-0) Think of all the free three minute plugs your show will get when KIIS-FM is playing the shit out of your theme. (I’m not being local here. Every city in America, Canada, Australia, and Yemen has a KIIS-FM).

These themes can become part of pop culture. I bet more Americans know the words to GILLIGAN’S ISLAND than the Star Spangled Banner. Hell, more people can sing the lyrics to CHARLES IN CHARGE. These ditties are burned into our brains. When we’re 90 and can’t remember if we put our pants on we’ll still be able to sing the MASH theme and the JEFFERSONS.

And ultimately here’s what we’re talking about – twenty more seconds. That’s all. Twenty more seconds. Maybe thirty. God forbid thirty-five. The same amount of time it takes to run a promo for WIPE OUT. What would YOU rather watch?

****

Okay, so in no particular order – my ten favorite TV themes.

MASH
PETER GUNN
CHEERS
WELCOME BACK KOTTER
DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
MIAMI VICE
DREW CAREY SHOW
MR. LUCKY
MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW
TOP CAT

One final thought, if you have opening titles then maybe the credits won’t extend so far into the show. Considering how large some of these casts and staffs are it’s not inconceivable that someday on a comedy credits will roll all the way through the tag.

Hawaii 5 0 -- then, now, and the one that didn't sell

CBS premieres a new version of HAWAII 5-0 this fall. Unlike most shows today, this one will have opening titles (albeit shorter) and a new version of the familiar Ventures stirring theme. You can preview it here. But first, the original 60s version and a rare version from a 1998 pilot that didn't sell.

Which do you like best?

"Even the school mascot has a gun"

I grew up in Woodland Hills, a middle class suburb of the San Fernando Valley. We were right next to Canoga Park. There was a big difference. Don't know who made this but it's hilarious. And boy does it bring back cherished memories. You'll excuse me if I get a little misty. I'm a but overwhelmed by nostalgia.

Who do we see as Queen Elizabeth? Eliza Dunshku.

After Thursday’s Friday questions, here are Friday’s Friday questions. These have to do the dynamics of my partnership with David Isaacs. Who knew? An actual “theme”.

Jonathan leads off:

Do you write with an actor's/character's voice in mind, or is that something that emerges in rehearsal/shooting and is more a product of the actor and director?

We generally do try to imagine a certain actor in a role even if we know we can’t get him. But that way we both hear the same voice in our heads. Example: Any woman’s part -- Eliza Dushku.

Often times though we won’t imagine an actor per se. We’ll imagine friends or just distinctive people we know. That’s sometimes better because we’ll also have mannerisms to draw from. Do whatever you can to make your characters more specific.

I can’t tell you how many times we’ve absolutely lifted character traits from somebody (sometimes not flattering) and they’ll see the show and say, “Y’know, I know people just like that.”

just some guy trying to write has just some question.

Can you talk more about the specifics of the business relationship between you and your writing partner? Stuff like, if you write and sell a script on your own, do you share in the profits with him?

We divide it this way: I make 80%, David makes 20% but David has to do all of the work.

Seriously, we split everything we do together right down the middle. Always. There are times when we have to cover for each other, if one of us is sick and there’s a deadline, that sort of thing. But we never adjust the ratio because one of us did more on a particular project.

As for our business relationship, our partnership is structured on a handshake.

Generally when we write a script we do it together in the same room. But early on in our career we would take one assignment a season and split it up. I would write one act on my own and David would write the other. We’d then assemble them and polish the script together. We did this exercise so each of us could feel comfortable writing on our own if we had to. We are a partnership out of choice, not dependency. And by the way, if you read the two acts we wrote separately, you'd never be able to tell who wrote which act. It's not like one of us is the structure guy and the other is the funny boots. Our styles and sensibilities are amazingly similar.

Regarding outside projects, we don’t try to bind ourselves in the partnership. We allow each other the freedom to explore other pursuits. For me it was directing and of course baseball announcing. For David it was mercenary work in the world’s hotspots. Here he is in his other life:

And finally, Joe Pontillo wonders:

Does David Isaacs have a blog? And if not, why don't we ever hear from him in guest posts on this blog?

He doesn’t have a blog. Or if he does he has really low traffic. From time to time I do ask David to contribute a piece.

At the moment David is teaching at USC and writing a book, which for reasons that seem unfathomable to me, he seems to feel take precedence.

What’s your question? Again, I’ll try to add some extra question days to catch up on them all. Gracious much.