The brilliance of Paul Conrad

My favorite political cartoonist, Paul Conrad of the LA TIMES passed away Saturday. He was 86. In a career that spanned over 50 years he won three Pulitzer Prizes and more impressive, he was named on Nixon's Enemy List.

Conrad was fearless, funny, a fabulous artist, wildly original, and his cartoons hit you like a stun gun.

Here are just a few examples. If there is an afterlife, Nixon and Reagan are doing spit takes.

My favorite pitch meeting EVER

In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr (pictured above). He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.

We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)

We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. The butler ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.

Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.

And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.

We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.

We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.

The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.

Labor Day Weekend recommendation

All this weekend GREAT BIG RADIO is playing the music on that magical year, 1970. Relive that year in music where nothing new happened, where Led Zepplin records played back-to-back with the Carpenters. It’s the end of some musical trends and the holding place for others. Hear it here.

But oh the memories….

1970

The Kent State Massacre.

Ziploc bags are invented.

Simon & Garfunkel win every Grammy.

Janis and Jimi leave us.

“Beneath the Planet of the Apes” and “Honeymoon Killers” are released.

Baltimore wins the World Series.

Hurricane Celia wreaks havoc in Texas.

There’s a Gay Rights march in Greenwich Village.

FBI agents arrest American Communist (and former UCLA professor) Angela Davis.

ABC has both “the Mod Squad” and “the Lawrence Welk Show” on the same primetime schedule.

One million cans of tuna are recalled by the FDA.

President Nixon sends combat troops into Cambodia.

“President Nixon” in general.

The Jim Nabors variety show is up against the Flip Wilson variety show.

Did I mention Ziploc bags?

The GREAT BIG RADIO salute to the music of 1970 plays through Labor Day. They're all there – the hits and the stiffs, and I defy you to tell them apart. Rare concert soundtracks will also be featured. I’m getting nostalgic just writing this. Broke up with my girlfriend… had to join the army … so many highlights…

The "Jumping the Shark" writer finally speaks out

There’s a nice article in Friday’s LA TIMES “Calendar” section by Fred Fox Jr. the writer who wrote the famous “Jump the Shark” episode of HAPPY DAYS.

Very quickly, for those who don’t know, several guys were sitting around a bar one night discussing their favorite shows and wondering what was the precise moment that they went downhill? One suggested for HAPPY DAYS it was when Fonzie literally jumped a shark to prove his love for girlfriend Pinky Tuscadero. That expression caught on, a website was born, and the rest is infamous history.

You can read Fred’s article here.

He talks about dealing with it. Going from incredulous to embarrassment to acceptance. When I read the piece, this was my reaction: envy.

Seriously, how cool to say you wrote one of the single most famous episodes in television history! Bobby Thomson hit “the shot heard round the world” but everyone also remembers Ralph Branca, the pitcher who served it up. Name me one other relief pitcher from 1951.

I’m glad that Fred wrote the piece. I’m glad that he’s willing to accept the notoriety. I say, own it. Be proud of it.

And by the way, that shark episode was not the tipping point for HAPPY DAYS. As Fred points out, the series went on for another six highly rated seasons. That’s like the Titanic hitting an iceberg and sinking three years later.

One other point: To this day, HAPPY DAYS reruns make me laugh. They’re 30+ years old but are still funny. There are even some good laughs in the episode where Fonzie jumps the shark.

Debunking CHEERS myths

The official kick-off to the Labor Day Weekend is reading Friday Questions.

Joey on the 8s has a couple of CHEERS questions.

1. Our tour guide took us by "the tank" on Paramount's lot, and I found where you mentioned it in a previous post. This guide told a story about how it was used in Cheers in the "Sam proposes to Diane" scene where Diane is supposed to end up on "Boston harbor." His story went that when the scene was first set up, Shelley complained that the water was too cold and she wouldn't go in, so they spent a few days pumping in warmer water ... and then she still balked at going in. The guide implied that's why she was off the show shortly thereafter. Any comments there?

I wasn’t there for that but friend-of-the-blog and super mensch David Lee was. David graciously answers:

Totally false. I remember it clearly because Peter (Casey) and I wrote the episode.

The water was heated to a certain temperature because that's what the actors' union insists upon (rightly so.) Shelley never complained about it as there was nothing to complain about. It was heated at the time we began shooting. She also never balked at going in, in fact she was always quite game for that sort of thing. She left the show because she wanted to move on. No other reason. Sorry to mess up a good piece of gossip with the truth.

2. The guide also told a story how, as a result of some bet, Woody and Ted streaked across the lot, including past a spot near the stage where some fresh concrete had been put in. Guide showed us where Ted and Woody signed there names in the concrete. Any recollection of this?

I remember Ted pantsed (panced?) Woody in front of the audience once, but don't recall any streaking episode. Maybe after I left? They did sign their names in some wet concrete, though. I seem to recall it was near the day care center. There is some resonance to that I suppose.

Thanks, David. I probably owe six dinners by now.

From Michael:

I was wondering whether your personal relationship with an actor/actress ever affected what or how much you wrote for a character - either positively or negatively.

David Lee? Oh wait. I guess I can answer this one myself.

More important than how we felt about an actor was how well they delivered. There were actors I was not enamored with personally but were sensational performers. So we wrote as much for them as we could and drank a lot of scotch. Other actors were Oscar winning people in real life but Razzie winners on the set. We would either trim their material as deftly as we could or at least made sure we didn’t place the comedy burden on them.

As for actors using sex to get more lines, I’m reminded of that old Polish joke. “Did you hear about the Polish actress who tried to get ahead by sleeping with writers?”

Drama writers have it a little easier than us sitcom scribes when it comes to dealing with bad actor behavior. If there’s an actor they hate they can always just kill them. One producer on a one-hour show said to me they had to stop doing that. It was getting to the point where by midseason there would be no one left in the entire cast.

And finally, from Jonathan:

Do you write with an actor's/character's voice in mind, or is that something that emerges in rehearsal/shooting and is more a product of the actor and director?

David Isaacs and I always write with either an actor or someone we know in mind, even if we know we’ll never get them. This is especially helpful when you’re writing in a team. That way you can both hear approximately the same voice. And I have to tell you, George Clooney just kills in our scripts!

Happy Labor Day Weekend. Drive safely and leave your comments.

How NOT to give notes (part 1, even though part 2 was yesterday)

This was supposed to be part one of a two part article until I screwed up the timer. If you think I'm bad with programming a blog you should see me on heavy machinery. Anyway, the other part was yesterday and yesterday's is today.

This is a post for executives, studios, networks, pod producers, critics, D-girls, professors, wives – anyone who gives script notes. How you present notes is often as important or more important than the notes themselves. There are times when the messenger should be killed. Here are some do-nots when delivering notes. And there are enough of them that this is a two-day article.

First, understand that we writers hate notes. We begrudgingly do realize that they’re sometimes helpful and under the influence of Ethanol will admit they can improve a script, but we hate them. You’re going to get much better results if you present them in a respectful way.

Try to say some nice things about the script first, even if you have to be creative, even if you have to lie. Again, it’s about respect – real or otherwise. And try to make the compliments credible. We can see through, “really nice font” or “we’re generally very happy”.

Don’t lead us on. Don’t say, “I just have a couple of little things” and then bombard us with an hour of notes.

If there is a group of you, consolidate and assign one person to give the notes. I said we hate notes. That’s nothing compared to how much we hate being gangbanged. We once had a notes session with twenty executives – and it was a conference call. Twenty voices all yammering at once, all offering conflicting notes, arguing with each other. We heard nothing. So we did nothing. We did whatever we wanted and turned it in. They were happy. I guess they assumed that whatever we did we were addressing someone’s note even if they didn’t remember it being given. Pick your best guy. Distill all the notes into one coherent presentation.

Don’t use the expression “this bumped me” before giving a note. It bumps me more that you say that. Do they teach a “suit slang” class at Bennington now?

Don’t say, “Sure, it’s funny but…” Do you have any idea how hard it is to MAKE something funny? You can convey your point without dismissing the key component of a comedy script.

Be specific. This is a big one. It’s hard enough to satisfy your concerns without having to hire a Navajo translator or psychic to help decipher them.

There was a network executive we dealt with for years. Very smart, excellent programmer, and a good guy. I’m very fond of him personally. But he gave the worst most obtuse pilots notes on the planet. Here are some examples.

He’d say “this script is here” and hold up his hand, then raise his hand higher and say, “but I want it here”. And that would be his only note. What the fuck?!

He’d say, “this script has the meat and vegetables, I would just like to see what’s for dessert.” Yeah, right. Go off and write that.

This same executive was giving notes on a friend’s pilot and said, “If CHEERS is a place where everybody knows your name, then your place is…?” My friend answered, “Well, gee, we haven’t written the title song yet.”

I know it’s tough when something bothers you and you can’t put your finger on it but try as best you can to be specific.

Tomorrow: Friday questions -- Debunking CHEERS myths. Unless I screw up again and schedule it for next Thursday or last Tuesday.

How NOT to give notes

Here are some ways not to give notes. I screwed up and posted part 2 first. The first half of this helpful constructive rant will be posted tomorrow. The point is how not to give notes. Tomorrow will be centered more on network and studio executives.

Think through the ramifications of your notes. Don’t just say, “let’s do this instead”. Your suggestion may solve one immediate problem but screw up everything else that follows. Remember, every story beat, every line has been discussed (usually to death) and is there in that form for a reason. I’m not saying it can’t be improved but take a moment to appreciate the logic process first.

You know what really enrages us? When you ask for something in the script that’s already there. Please read the damn thing. We worked very hard on it. When you hear us respond to one of your notes by saying, “It’s right there on page 8!” know that when we get back to the office you are the target of moron jokes for a week.

Another sensitive area is giving notes on jokes. If they’re notes on a runthrough there is no need for you to point out which jokes didn’t work. We’re trained comedy writers. We can recognize silence.

If it’s just a joke on a page then it gets trickier. You’re making a subjective call. Here is where tact comes in again. A well-known producer with a shocking lack of tact used to challenge the writer when he didn’t like a joke. He’d say, “How is that funny? Explain to me why anyone in the fucking world would laugh at that?” It’s hard to rewrite comedy when your testicles have been removed.

Contrast that to Gene Reynolds when he was producing MASH. He’d merely say, “You might want to take another look at that joke”. That’s all you need, isn’t it?

Don’t – I repeat DON’T ever vote on jokes. Don’t ask for a show of hands among the executives around the table as to whether they liked a particular joke. That’s like us taking a poll as to whether your dick is long enough. And trust me, you don't want to hear the results.

Actors: We writers don’t take kindly to you throwing the script on the floor and yelling that it’s “shit”! Call us over-sensitive. You can go over to us and say, “I’m having a little trouble with this.” That we’ll listen to. “I could use a little help here”. We’ll respond positively to that too.

But “My character wouldn’t say that” – we hate that a thousand times more than “this bumps me”. An actor once said that to producer Steven Bochco. He said to the actor, "Maybe your character wouldn't say that, but he's not your character, he's my character, and he's saying it right here." He pointed to the script.

Nick Collasanto (the Coach on CHEERS) was the smartest actor I’ve ever worked with when it came to giving writers notes. He would always start off by saying, “I’m happy to do it just the way you have it here, but…” and then he’d go on and express his concern. The fact that he said he’d do it as written we ALWAYS changed it to his satisfaction.

Dear actors, think of us as collaborators not mules.

Again, it all boils down to respect. It may not look it but we put a lot of time and effort into these scripts. In some cases we pour out our hearts and souls (not so much on episodic but still). And even though we don’t like them, we appreciate thoughtful notes and only want the script to get better. If you present your notes well I can almost guarantee that we’ll take the script from here to here… or at least here.