The Social Network & a Sorkin parody

NO SPOILER ALERT NECESSARY

I have a rather tumultuous relationship with Aaron Sorkin. I loved WEST WING. But I had some issues with STUDIO 60, which I detailed in a blog post. I also wrote a parody of his writing that I am re-posting below (since I assume most of you discovered the blog long after October, 2006).

The LA TIMES did an article about what writers thought of STUDIO 60 and inaccurately claimed my blog was the rally point for those who hated the show.   It was not.  Sorkin responded to TV critics by lashing out at the writers from the article basically saying we weren’t “real” comedy writers, just disgruntled unemployed hacks. The critics thought my credits were enough to qualify me as a “real” comedy writer and wrote articles to that effect. I was then asked for my reaction, which I posted here. Aaron sent me a lovely note and we’ve been fine ever since.

But the point is, just because I have tremendous respect for him doesn’t mean I love everything he writes. So when I say I LOVED the writing on SOCIAL NETWORK, it’s not just lip service because I’m a fan.

SOCIAL NETWORK was absolutely brilliant! And the star was the screenplay. Sorkin somehow managed to take a complicated completely non-visual subject, mix it with dense legal issues, present characters who are all basically unlikable, and somehow create a spellbinding movie. The screenplay is adapted from Ben Mezrich’s novel THE ACCIDENTAL BILLIONAIRES. Good luck to the guy who has to follow this and write the formation of Twitter movie.

When I heard that David Fincher was directing I thought, “How is he going to find enough blood and gore in Facebook?” Happy to say there was none. Just pitch perfect performances and even though there was never anything to really look at you couldn’t take your eyes off the screen.

Everyone in the cast was great. Jesse Eisenberg is what Michael Cera aspires to be. Justin Timberlake continues to be the most talented STAR SEARCH winner ever, And Rashida Jones is just great to look at.

SOCIAL NETWORK opened last weekend to good reviews, big numbers in LA and NY and nothing in the rest of the country. Since most of my readers are in “the rest of the country” I invite you to skip the long lines for PARANORMAL 2 and check this one out instead.

****

Here’s the parody. I figured I had to post something humorous today.

IF AARON SORKIN WROTE A SHOW ABOUT BASEBALL

EXT. KAUFFMAN STADIUM -- NIGHT

THE MANAGER, LEO, TROTS OUT TO THE MOUND TO TALK TO BELEAGURED PITCHER, DANNY (THERE’S ALWAYS A DANNY). THE BASES ARE LOADED. THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS. IT’S GAME SEVEN OF THE WORLD SERIES.

LEO
You can’t get a good lobster in this town.

DANNYLast I checked we were in Kansas City.

LEO
4.6 billion pork ribs sold every year and 18.9 tons of beef consumed annually since 1997 –

DANNY
They like their beef, what can I tell ya?

LEO
But you’d think just for variety’s sake.

DANNY
I can still throw my curve.

LEO
For strikes?

DANNY
I’m not throwing enough?

LEO
I’ve seen more lobsters.

DANNY WALKS TO THE ROSIN SACK, GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, DECIDES TO KEEP WALKING. HE AND LEO NOW WALK OUT INTO CENTER FIELD.

DANNYIt’s just that…

LEO
What? Kathy?

DANNY
No. Cabs. There’s no cohesiveness on this team. After road games, 25 cabs for 25 players. There used to be a thing called “the greater good”, forgoing your needs for the betterment of the team and community who looks to us for their identity and self worth. When I’m trying to save a game I’m really trying to save a factory. If baseball is a metaphor for life, then responsibility is its first cousin simile. And Kathy.

LEO
That’s a “1” on your back and not a “2”.

DANNY
I can’t help it. She knocks my sanitary socks off.

THEY CROSS THE CENTER FIELDER, HECTOR.

HECTOR
(in thick accent) Hey, Skip. You know where we could get a lobster around here?

LEO
Order a steak with butter sauce.

THEY REACH THE WALL AND BEGIN WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

LEO
Can you still throw your curve ball for strikes?

DANNY
No. The other one.

LEO
Does Kathy know you became a pitcher for her?

THEY REACH THE RIGHT FIELDER, AN AFRO-AMERICAN NAMED CHET.

CHET
Look up in the stands, guys. Not four black faces. Would Jackie Robinson even want to break into this game now? If this sport speaks to minorities now it speaks in Spanish. Afro-Americans make up less than 5% of the major leagues. Compare that to basketball, football, or even golf. Satchel Paige said, “don’t look back, something might be gaining on ya.” I just did. It’s now hockey.

LEO
Play a little closer to the line.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I think she knows.

LEO
But do you really know if she knows?

DANNY
No.

LEO
Then you know what you’ve got to do.

DANNY
Yeah.

LEO
Throw strikes.

DANNY
Right. Thanks.

LEO
And when you get home –

DANNY
Yeah?

LEO
Tell her.

DANNY
I’ll take her out for a lobster.

LEO
What do you mean, 25 cabs for 25 players?

AS THEY START AROUND THE WARNING TRACK FOR ANOTHER LAP, WE:

FADE OUT. 

"I don't do coffee and I don't lie to wives" -- a collection of our secretaries

Like all of America, I loved Mrs. Blankenship on MAD MEN. (By “all of America” I mean the million or so people who watch this best show on television.) She was Don Draper’s secretary before that word was banished for being politically incorrect along with stewardess, housewife, and two-bit whore. (I wonder: will the thoroughbred race horse have to be renamed “ExecutiveAssistantiat”?)

But Mrs. Blankenship brought to mind a number of the uh… “eccentric” secretaries my writing partner David Isaacs and I have had over the years. We loved them all. They were wonderful people and in most cases did a great job. But some were strange.

You might say, “Well why did you hire them then?” The answer is we worked at studios and had to hire from within the secretarial pool. And if the person who hired the secretaries was an uber nutcase, that’s who she selected. So everyone we interviewed had eccentricities, which by the way, is not such a bad thing.

Case in point was Emily. (Names have been changed.) Emily was in her mid 30s. One Monday morning she comes in and announces she would like to appear in Playboy. “The girls from MASH” is just the type of spread they did. I said, “Don’t you have to submit nude photos of yourself?” She said yes and produced about ten photos. “Which ones do you like?” she asked. Holy shit! After our initial shock we composed ourselves and very analytically studied the photos, finally deciding on the best two (at about 5:00).

Most secretaries will tell you what they think you’ll want to hear during initial job interviews. Not Lisa. She said, “I don’t do coffee and I don’t lie to wives”. We hired her. Neither of us are coffee drinkers.

On the other hand, at the end of one business day David and I finished polishing a pilot we were writing and wanted to get it to our director that night. Carol, our then-assistant, did the corrections and was about to send the script when I said, “Wait. I want to proof it once more before it goes out.” Exasperated, she handed it to me. I made a few more tiny changes. I returned it to her and she said she’d do it in the morning. I said, “No, we want this to go out tonight”. She rolled her eyes and then said, “Y’know, up until now I’ve been very patient with you guys.” Carol didn’t last too long.

Bonnie did a good job but we were a little uncomfortable with her extra curricular activities. She and some other secretaries on the lot had a little competition to see who could sleep with the studio president first. I think Bonnie finished third.

Jennifer, on her first day, asked if she could take a longer lunch because she had an abortion scheduled for 12:30.

People would arrive at our outer office to find our assistant, Jennifer, frequently standing on her head. She was maybe our strangest (which is saying something). The way David and I worked was to dictate scripts while our assistant took shorthand. There would be moments of silence while David and I tried to come up with a line. Jennifer would start chuckling. We’d ask what was so funny and she said, “Oh, I’m just anticipating that you guys will come up with something really funny and I’ll want to laugh”. I once said, “Oh really? Could you possibly anticipate just what the line is?”

Jennifer didn’t last very long either. One day at the commissary she was having lunch on the outdoor patio. She was the only one out there. It was a blustery windy day. Anyway, a tree branch fell and hit her in the head. I think she’s still suing the studio.

Another tree branch figured in an incident with assistant Paula. She lived alone in a Westside apartment and one morning her bird gets out of his cage and roosts on a nearby tree branch. When that happens what do you do? A lot of people might call the fire department. Not Paula. I get a call at 8 AM from the studio asking me to approve an expenditure that would be charged against our production company. $20,000. “Are you fucking kidding? $20,000? We don’t even have a show on the air. What is this for?” “A stunt man”. Paula had asked for a studio stunt man to come out, climb the tree, and get her bird down.” Needless to say I did not approve the request.

We once had a lovely spinster-type secretary named Marge. She too lived alone. She had one real love in her life, this very cool little red Porsche. One day she looks out the window and a tow truck is hooking it up. She runs down frantic only to learn that this was a stolen car that the FBI had been tracking for two years. And until she produced her proof-of-purchase from another party she was in grave danger of being charged for the theft and hauled off to prison.

Assistant Wendy wound up on one of those Judge Judy shows suing a Smurf for scaring her kid at a birthday party. The Smurf won.  Those blue guys really know how to lawyer-up. 

One of our assistants had an affair with a rock star. And another had an X-rated episode with a very well-known celebrity involving a dungeon.

But like I said, we loved them all. And one I very much miss. Sue Herring (real name), who’s no longer with us. Mrs. Blankenship will soon fade from memory but Ms. Herring I’ll never forget.

My take on OUTSOURCED

OUTSOURCED has received a lot of bad reviews. Crass. One-dimensional. Stereotypical. TV critics have hated it. I didn’t. I sure didn’t like it but I’ve seen worse (this year even). So here’s my review coming at it from a writer’s perspective (not that anyone asked). And hopefully it will be taken as constructive.

Disclaimer: I was not in on the development process nor do I know any of the writers. So when I point out what I believe are flaws I don’t know who’s to blame. Maybe some of the points I make the writers are saying, “Yes! We told NBC the same thing!” Or the same subject matter in the hands of different writers would produce a far better product. I dunno.

First off, what is this show REALLY about? Yes, the premise is simple: American gets assigned to run a boiler room in Mumbai. Fish out of water. Culture class. But this show explores that only on a very surface level. Sacred cow jokes. If you’re going to do a show about two very diverse cultures colliding there is great comedy to be found in the reality of the situation. There is also conflict and genuine emotion. 

The premise itself is so tired that it seems you have to work extra hard to make it fresh. OUTSOURCED has that potential. There’s never been a U.S. sitcom set in India. You have a goldmine of possibilities. Last year in HANK when they put the rich erudite Kelsey Grammer in the ‘burbs there wasn’t a joke you could do that hasn’t already been done on the twelve previous shows just like it. OUTSOURCED has the chance to be unique. Seize it.

The characters in OUTSOURCED all work for a company that takes orders  for goofy novelty items. And once people call they try to sell them additional items like fake vomit. That's their goal, to turn orders into larger orders.   And callers resent them because they’re Indian. Kind of a stretch.  Made up company with trumped up goals.

What  Americans resent is calling a local country and then being routed to the other side of the planet where the person they're talking to has no frame of reference for what you want.  My daughter Annie suggested, what if they were On-Star operators?   They're dealing with streets and towns and unpronounceable names and everything is a struggle.   They're asked to make restaurant recommendations, give short-cuts, etc.  And the drivers using this service are usually stressed out or crazed already.   Makes more sense than people order whoopie cushions and the company makes its money by convincing them to also purchase joy buzzers. 

So what's it like for the poor Indian operator when he's resented for absolutely no fault of his own?  He's just a perfectly nice person.  How does that mess with his mind?  How does that play havoc with his confidence?  How does that translate when he gets off work?  How does it effect his relationships?    How does that character react?  Does he keep it inside and blow up later?   Does he have a meltdown on the phone?    What is the burn out rate of these people?   And when people are fried they often react in irrational but hilarious ways.

On the one hand you’re asking these Indian employees to embrace U.S. culture when folks from the U.S. treat them poorly. So instead of an Indian girl who’s s on-the-nose super shy, what about one who has always been fascinated by America but now doesn’t know what to think? Are we this great country or a land full of shitheads? And how much comic mileage can you get out of shyness? What are you going to do with her week eight?

This may seem like a trivial note but the set is wrong. It looks completely bogus. We’ve seen SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. We know what one of these places really looks like. Check out real pictures of MASH units and compare them to the sets on the show. It may not seem important but subliminally it is. I believe the set of Dunder Mifflin is exactly what one of those office set-ups look like. Why do a workplace comedy and not make it look right? Especially when the audience knows the difference? And why make the set generic? You’re in a unique setting. Take advantage of that.

Ben Rappaport, as the American in charge is very likeable but has nothing to play. What makes him funny? He’s your lead for Cristsakes! He doesn’t seem to really be upset that he’s there. The workers seem okay with him. He can’t get beef. That’s his big issue. And even that is bogus because one of the characters says there are hotels that do serve beef. It sure helps if there’s some conflict. It sure helps if he really WANTS something.

What if he hates being there? What if he’s never been out of Kansas and it’s a complete culture shock? What if there’s something he desperately wants but it takes money and the best job available is here so he’s going to just gut it out? What if he’s trying to maintain a long-distance relationship? Or what if he’s still responsible for his elderly parents and has to manage their lives from 6,000 miles away? What if he’s allergic to curry? What if he’s vying for a vice-presidency job so he volunteers for this suicide mission in order to turn the place around and really impress the higher-ups? I dunno. Those are just off the top of my head. With some real thought maybe you could come up with something even better or fresher. But nice guy, not particularly funny, accepting his situation is not compelling and not giving you much to work with.

The first episode was a premise pilot so let’s look beyond that to week two. That’s the first glimpse into the kind of stories OUTSOURCED will be telling. (you can watch this episode on NBC.COM if you haven’t seen it and would like to although warning: spoiler alert.)

This was the story: Todd (Ben Rappaport) has to fire one of the employees because sales are down. First off, we’ve seen this story a thousand times. Second – it’s schmuck bait. We KNOW no one is ultimately going to get fired. Plus, we don’t know these characters well enough to even care.  And if you didn't see the pilot you didn't know that sales were to come after taking orders.  It appeared that this was a boiler room where these people called out.  So that was confusing. 

It starts with Todd dealing with some total over-the-top mugging Indian guy who I suppose is his co-manager or something. He’s just a cartoon and not very funny. Shameless mugging and zero threat to the employees.  Why is he even there?  The topic they discuss is BBQ food. Natch. Later, Todd ichats with his boss who does a ridiculous blue screen simulation of being on a rollercoaster. Why? Is this supposed to make him memorable? I mean, seriously, what the fuck was that about? Do you have to stretch that far to make the boss funny?

In between Todd does one-on-one employee reviews. That way he flat out tells us what each of these characters’ quirks are. There’s not a better, more artful way to establish their characters? How about through actions that inform us of who they are? And the scenes were not funny. A big subplot was Todd not understanding a head bobble gesture that one character has. Sorry but that’s pretty weenie. And it became a runner through the whole show. There was a minor complication involving a worker who thinks he’s being fired but is not. So at the end of the show he tells everyone off only to learn that he’ll still be working with them. He smiles sheepishly and says something like “Well, you’ll all be talking about me at lunch”. That’s it? That’s the big payoff?

The main story ends with Todd getting the guy who’s just hustling women on the phone to call and dump them all and along the way sell them ridiculous novelties. Huh? When a guy dumps you THAT’S when you’re most motivated to buy dribble glasses from him? Makes no sense. Not remotely real. Not particularly funny. Todd just stands around. Sales go up as a result. Super convenient.  No one fired. Just the on-the-nose predictable way to tell a tired story.

As for the tone, it’s tepid. And here again, this could be the network terrified to be too politically incorrect, this could be a knee jerk reaction to research testing, but the stuff is mild. Or maybe this writing staff just doesn’t have the comic chops. Maybe these are the best jokes they can write.

Or maybe this was just a bad episode and next week’s will be hilarious as they try to find their groove. But again, the premise, the characters, and the show’s set-up work against them.

I ask the writers and producers to be tougher on yourselves. Discard stories you’ve seen before. Just throw them out. Do a show about an American being in India without a single beef joke. Do research and present situations we haven’t seen before. Find stories you couldn’t do on any other show. When you have a joke take five minutes and see if you can top it. And then take five minutes and top that. Take chances. Be outrageous once in a while. Be audacious.

Otherwise, what's the point?  The studio could save lots of money and just outsource the writing.

The Duke F*CK list

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So long, Joe!

Today is Joe Torre’s final game managing the Dodgers, perhaps his final day managing anywhere. I’m really going to miss him. And not just because he’s a big fan of CHEERS. Okay, well that’s a big reason but there are others.

Joe is the definition of a mensch . Whether it’s a superstar player or just the schmuck who hosts the postgame radio show, he treats everyone the same – with respect and kindness. He remembers ushers’ names. He patiently answers every question we media grunts ask even though some are so staggeringly stupid you wonder how these morons can tie their own shoes much less cover baseball.

People see Joe on TV during games, expressionless, and assume he needs a can of Red Bull just to get to the 4th inning. But he is registering every pitch, every nuance, and analyzing the game on a plane the rest of us so-called baseball experts can only dream about. You ask him about a play in a game from two weeks ago and he’ll tell you players, the situation, the pitch, where the defense was playing – it’s very impressive.

But yes, he does burn out pitchers. And his loyalty to certain veterans whose best days, good days, even horseshit days are far behind them is maddening. But it seems if you’re going to err, err on the side of believing too much. in people.

I’ll take with me many fond memories of my three years with Joe. He – teaching me the finer points of the game. Me – telling him what Shelley Long was really like. He and I recently sitting together in the Dodger Dugout, both lamenting how clueless we are at raising teenage daughters. Standing on the tarmac at LAX at 4:45 in the morning, waiting for our luggage after just flying home from Philadelphia after we just lost the National League Championship Series and him saying, even at this incredibly low point, how much he loves and cherishes the game. What I was really hoping he’d say was “do you need a ride home from the airport?” but that was pretty special too.

Don’t know what he’ll do now. He just turned 70 and the last summer he had off was the year we won World War II. And you could see this year has worn on him.   Watch him in postgame interviews with his cap off and his hair all matted and you could swear he was turning into Jack Nicholson in THE SHINING.

But whether it’s a front office position, a consultancy role, broadcasting (he was a terrific announcer for the Angels), or back in the managerial trenches he’s sure to be an enormous asset for whoever is fortunate enough to get him.

I wish him the very best. I will miss him tremendously. He’s mentioned several times that he looks forward to watching his daughter’s softball game. Let me know when Joe and I’ll provide the Red Bull.

Yes, there really is a Master Bait & Tackle

Someone emailed me this week and asked how come I haven't posted any travelogues lately. Uh, it's 'cause I haven't really gone anywhere in awhile. But that doesn't mean I can't reprise a trip from the past. This is my Florida & New York March 2006 jaunt. By the way, I'm thinking of compiling all my travelogues into a book. Does that sound like something you'd be remotely interested in, even if the price is a hefty $2.99 for the Kindle version? Just imagine 200 pages of this malarkey...

The Sunshine Boys hit the road. My writing partner, David and I (only hours away from actually BECOMING the Sunshine Boys) headed for Naples in the sunshine state to do research for our latest ersatz pilot. I then moved on to New York.

We arrived in Ft. Lauderdale then headed across Alligators Alley. Didn’t see any gators but apparently at the first light of day they do come out to the highway. The dumb ones try to cross. The smart ones stand along the side selling tickets to the world famous Sarasota Clown museum.

South Florida has two of my favorite things – great weather and GOOFINESS. If you love Americana, Jimmy Buffet, stone crabs, early bird specials, and spectacular beaches this is the place for you.

Were a studio paying for this trip we would have stayed in Naples. But since it was our own dime, Bonita Beach was our Gateway to the Gulf home. In the 20’s there was this cult, the Koreshans, who believed that Bonita Beach was the center of the world. They were a celibate tribe so unfortunately no longer exist. (Darwin works) Just a state park in their honor. And if I’m not mistaken, the Hampton Inn we were staying at is at the center of Bonita Beach, and room 229 just to our left is the absolute DEAD center of the world.”

No wonder the Holiday Inn across the street is proud. Their marquee proclaims “Number one guest rated shower heads.”

Favorite store name (maybe ever): “Master Bait & Tackle Shop” on Bonita Beach Rd. Yes, I purchased t-shirts.

You drive down Whippoorwill Lane and come to an intersection. On the left is a hospice, on the right is a nudist colony.

Everyone here is from somewhere else. A native is someone whose had to renew their Florida driver’s license.

Florida is the home of many fun attractions. Disney World is okay but even better, in Naples, is “Jungle Larry’s Safari”. It’s a seedy zoo with drugged animals. During Hurricane Wilma last year some of the animals escaped. The spider monkeys got into the nearby Athletic club. The club wanted to get rid of them (their membership charter is very specific on qualifications) but you can’t kill monkeys in the city limits. I can almost imagine a rep from the club addressing a city council meeting. “In order to offset the damage of Hurricane Wilma and help our high school majorettes get to this year’s Rose Parade, as a fund raiser we’d like to propose a cookout/monkey shoot.”

Not to be outdone, there is also “Jungle Erv’s Airboat World” – see the everglades mangrove jungle. With gift shop. I’m surprised funeral homes in South Florida don’t have gift shops.

Other local attractions I missed: “Weeki Wachee”, a live mermaid show and the “Dinner Train Theatre” where shows open out of many towns.

Never got to a spring training game. The traffic on US. 41 and I-75 was so bad it would have been faster to drive to Scottsdale, Arizona than Ft. Myers.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Wilma, all the palm trees in the area tilt south. As do some of the people.

Forget the cost of homes. Dockmaniums, to store your boat cost $200,000. Used to be free.

South of Naples you get into DELIVERANCE country. Everglade City. In the 80’s it was the hub of a huge marijuana smuggling business. Eventually they were busted and 80% of the men in the town were indicted and sent off to prison. Well, now they’re back and very bitter. It’s a rough town. DEADWOOD with shrimp boats. It’s the only town with a mayor with a mullet. Not the place for David and I to go to for lunch and ask which theatre is showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Big Collier County museum attraction: an old tank just sitting on the lawn. What makes it such a unique attraction is that it has a parking space.

There’s a guy in Naples who looks like he’s right out of the SOPRANOS named Johnny. Since he has an auto repair shop on the same street as a hospital he calls himself “Doctor Johnny”. His local commercials feature him in scrubs standing over a sick engine barking out orders to a buxom nurse. “Nusre, wrench! Stat!” Johnny’s other job is city councilman.

Naples has a bandshell but no concerts because of noise restrictions.

This is a big Republican area. Billboard spotted: a cute baby with the words “Please don’t abort me.” Excuse me, but HOLY SHIT!!!

And under construction nearby is a whole new town funded by pizza czar Tom Monaghan, to be named Ava Maria. Center of the town will be a Catholic University (are you picking up the theme here?) that will proudly feature the largest crucifix in America. Jungle Jesus’ Church Tour.

I spotted a Confederate flag bumper sticker that read: “Heritage not Hate”. Why not just “Oktoberfest not Holocaust”?

They love their festivals in S/W Florida. Among them is the wine festival, the harvest festival (who will be this year’s Miss Vegetable?), and my favorite -- the Swamp Buggy Festival featuring the “Mile ‘o Mud” race, and the Swamp Buggy Queen. One lovely tradition is that once she’s crowned she’s then thrown in the mud.

Best restaurant in Ft. Myers – Cru.

Did not personally see the dreaded Skunk Ape, but a local resident claims this creature does exist and coincidentally resides on his property. He even has a blurred video. He’s hoping to attract tourism. Jungle Larry in incensed.

There are 103 golf courses in Naples area. Only 8 are public courses. If your ball goes into the rough just leave it. The Skunk-ape might get ya.

Visited a good friend who lives in Gulf Harbour, near Ft. Myers. Gorgeous gated community. There’s one house that has it’s own casino. Amazingly it’s not owned by an Indian.

Drove back over Alligator Alley. I knew I was in Miami when I saw my first driverless Cadillac on the road.

Stayed in Ft. Lauderdale next to the “Fishing Hall of Fame”. This actually exists. Who are the inductees? The Old Man from OLD MAN IN THE SEA? Ted Williams? Captain Ahab? The crew from PERFECT STORM?

On Thursday David returned home and I flew to New York to continue work on the musical I’m co-writing. The flight was like being trapped in a Haddassah meeting. “Morty, here, I brought some Craisins for the trip.” “I’m not hungry.” “Eat something or you’re gonna have gas!!”

It was 85 degrees in Florida, 40 in New York.

Stayed at the Hotel Wales on the Upper East Side. It was the smallest room I’ve ever had. Too bad I was alone. I could have easily qualified for membership in the Mile High Club.

Around the corner was Woody Allen’s place. I left a note saying the next time he goes to London to film a movie I’d be happy to house sit and baby sit Soon-Yi.

I was the only person in Manhattan with a non-spray tan.

Saw JERSEY BOYS, the story of the Four Seasons. Not your typical Broadway crowd. Every goomba of New Jersey was in the audience. There must’ve been 100 women named Carmella. I thought I saw Dr. Johnny from Naples. The show was SPECTACULAR. It was so good that after twenty minutes I stopped fearing for my life. JERSEY BOYS will win every Tony Award there is…or next year there will be a lot of missing Tony voters.

Friday was St. Patrick’s Day. 40 degrees is not ideal weather for wearing kilts. I do hope that guy was going to the parade. Because of all the celebrating rowdy drunks needing rides it was impossible to get a taxi…from 10 AM on.

I met Phoebe Cates and she was gorgeous. How nice to see someone I’ve had a crush on for twenty years and not go “GAAAAA!”

I’d have to classify this trip as productive. I got a lot of work done, saw a terrific show. My only regret is seeing JERSEY BOYS the night before I met Phoebe Cates. I so wish I didn’t sing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” to her in the middle of Madison Avenue.

What was the problem with Sara Gilbert?

What better way to begin October than with Friday questions?

WilliamJansen starts us off.

You have written about how Frasier, Lilith and Bulldog all started out as minor characters with a finite time-span on the series, but advanced to full cast-membership because they were so successful.


Did you ever have a minor character, that you wanted to advance to full membership of the cast, but it didn't work out? If so; which characters and why didn't it work out?

It seems they do that on BIG BANG THEORY. They’ll introduce a character like Sara Gilbert, have her in four or five episodes and decide it’s not happening and she’s gone.

Sometimes a guest actor will create a character that goes through the roof but is such a strong presence that producers wisely sense a little goes a long way. So instead of making him a regular they’ll bring him back once a season. That’s what we did with Edward Winter’s hilarious Colonel Flagg on MASH. And on FRASIER they sparingly used Harriet Harris as agent “Bebe Glazer” but whenever they did she absolutely stole the show. 

Actually I don’t know what was wrong with Sara Gilbert on BIG BANG THEORY. I thought she was funny.


Kirk Jusko has a question:

Have you ever written for, or have been asked to write for, or have tried to write for, Mad magazine?


No, but as a kid I LOVED Mad magazine. I wanted to be both a writer and artist for Mad. I always thought that would be the greatest working environment EVER. Imagine being surrounded by people even funnier and more mentally disturbed than me! Now that’s heaven!

I never applied (never knew how to apply) but would have loved it.  One of my great thrills as a writer is that when Mad did its parody of MASH they used one of our episodes to lampoon.  So if I couldn't work for Mad at least I was insulted by them. 

From Carson Clark:

Ken, I'd love to see you plot out the time frame of a television season. When does the writing start? When do the actors show up? Do you get a kid in school sized Christmas break?

In very general terms, the writing staff will usually converge right after Memorial Day.  They'll spend the early summer breaking stories and preparing scripts.  Production begins late July or the beginning of August.  There are built in hiatuse weeks for the actors that vary from show to show.   On multi-camera series they generally come after every third or fourth episode.  On MASH we  had week long hiatuses after seven or eight episodes.

I stress that these are production hiatuses.  Actors are off but not writers.  We take those weeks to desperately try to catch up.  Dave Hackel, the showrunner of BECKER used to fine any actor who says to a writer "So where did you go during the hiatus?"   The answer:  While the actor was in Hawaii the writer was in the fucking office for sixteen hours a day!!

If you're a first-year show you hold your breath that you'll get picked up for the back nine.  That comes around the beginning of November.  

Thanksgiving is really the first break for the writing staff.  And then a week or two the end of the year for Christmas when the show shuts down for the holidays. 

Then the big crunch.  From the first of the year until the end of March or beginning of April you churn out shows with little or no breaks.  By the last month you're generally on fumes.

Once the show wraps for the year the showrunner still has a few weeks of supervising post production on the last few episodes.  And generally he's done by the end of April.   A week in St. Johns Hospital and then he's ready to go to Hawaii.

If his show is a big hit he can relax for two months.  But if his show is on the bubble then in early May he has to go to New York to lobby for his show's pick up for the next season.   Then it's home, another week at St. Johns and maybe a nice long weekend in Santa Barbara before the cycle begins again. 

And finally, from Jose:

Do tv writers typically get paid weekly, bi-weekly, or?

this is for a small beat in my 30 Rock spec.

i didn't know how to look this up. thanks

Usually staff writers get paid by the show (and it's all shows PRODUCED not ordered).  The pay schedule varies but usually it's every couple of weeks.  That said, I'm probably still owed money from THE JEFFERSONS.

What's your question?