My all-time favorite sitcom scene

Aloha. Here are some Friday questions from paradise. If the answers seem weird, it’s the pina colada talking.

Mark wonders:

Ken, do you (or anyone else) have a single favorite sit-com scene (from one of your shows or not)? I'm not referring to an entire episode, but rather a single scene (of, say, around three minutes or so) than can stand on its own.

It would have to be the "Chef of the Future" scene from THE HONEYMOONERS. Ralph (Jackie Gleason) and Ed (Art Carney) try to peddle a new kitchen device on live television.  This kills me every time.  Check it out.



As for shows my partner and I have written, even though it’s longer than three minutes, the last act of Room Service from FRASIER, directed by David Lee. 






Jon88 wonders:

Is there anyone on the production team responsible for grammar and pronunciation? Is this job description a thing of the past, a victim of current economics? Hardly a week goes by that I don't hear a "you and I" that should be "you and me." On last week's "Terriers," a character referred to a criminal's fiefdom, but made the first syllable rhyme with "life" instead of "thief." Are there no standards anymore?

Jon, not only is there not such a person on staff, when writers try to assume the role of grammar police, they usually wind up dead in a ditch with stab wounds from all the other writers on staff.

Especially when room writing, the goal is to get the scene down, get the attitudes right, find the best jokes. Number one, if a staff member keeps holding things up because of punctuation, it slows down the process. You try to get on a roll and you don’t want it interrupted by someone insisting a semi-colon is needed. Secondly, you’re writing conversationally. Real people don’t speak in proper English and don’t always know correct pronunciations. Maybe the character in TERRIERS who screwed up fiefdom did so on purpose.  

If this bothers you, then you're going to have a problem with every show on network television. For God sakes, stay away from RAISING HOPE.


From Corinne:

Over the course of your career, research would have changed quite a bit. From library and phone calls to internet.

What are the advantages/ disadvantages over time in how access to information has changed things? Does make it harder for plot surprises? Poetic license?

Having the world at your fingertips is a HUGE advantage. And it saves money.

Years ago, each studio had a “research” department. If you needed to know something about the Spanish-American War or who hit the most home runs in 1935, you called the research department. Several hours later, in interoffice mail, you’d receive a smeared Xeroxed article or two that hopefully answers your question.

And your show would be billed $800. 

So for that reason alone, God bless Google.

But the best research is still one-to-one interviews. Nothing compares with first-hand experiences. The interviews that were done with nurses, doctors, and soldiers who served in Korea accounted for most of the stories on MASH. 

Steven asks:

My question is have you ever noticed when a staff writer on a show uses the same plot device repeatedly in the scripts he wrote and the show's quality suffered as a result? In this situation is it more the responsibility if the writer who wrote the initial draft to challenge himself and write something unlike what he's used to, or do the other producers just have to have more of an input on the final draft to ensure it doesn't seem too formulaic to longtime viewers of the show?

Staff writers are usually assigned episodes to write. A staffer may come in with a story idea that gets developed and he is given the assignment to write it, but generally, the entire staff plots out stories together. The showrunner has his thumb-prints on every story, whether he writes the first draft or not.

Sometimes writers excel in writing certain characters or types of stories so they get assigned more of them. Whenever they did a farce on FRASIER they always went to Joe Keenan. He’s a master at that genre.

That might be what you’re sensing. But on sitcoms, don’t pin too much blame, or heap too much praise on the credited writer.

And finally, bevo has a MASH question.

I recently lost some weight rather quickly (it was planned). My clothes are baggy and very loose as a result.

I started thinking about the MASH episode where Charles is convinced that he is gaining weight because his clothes are tight. Who thought of the story? Was it result of the research efforts that have been discussed previously? How did the last line, which is brilliant, come about?

Since B.J. was a practical jokester, we were always on the lookout for pranks.

I had heard of a story about a guy who pulled a practical joke on his neighbor. The neighbor got a new car. For about a week, the prankster would sneak over and refill the gas tank. The neighbor was ecstatic. He couldn’t believe the incredible gas mileage he was getting. Then the prankster switched it around. He began siphoning gasoline out of the tank. Now the neighbor was refilling every two days and mystified why he got 100 miles to the gallon one week and 4 the next.

We adjusted that story to fit our needs.

As for the brilliant last line, I don’t really remember it. It might be the reference to “Bean Pole Levine”, which was a nod to me (except I pronounce it Le-Vine).

What’s your question?

Shopping at the Sky Mall

Been traveling a lot lately so I got a chance to peruse the new SKY MALL magazine. It’s perfect for finding that special holiday gift at five times what you should pay for it.

But in the spirit, here are some of the items that caught my eyes this year. Note: all of these are real.

ACULIFE – Self-acupuncture kit. Their slogan should be “Instead of letting us stick it to you, stick it to yourself”. $199.95

SMART BELT BUCKLE – Features a slot to store your credit cards to avoid theft. At $59.95, if you buy this you’ve already been robbed.

THE WATER SQUIRTING REMOTE CONTROLLED CAR -- $99.95. Water not included.

THE LEARN TO PLAY BANJO – For the savvy guy who wants to get laid and knows that women are powerless to resist musicians. $199.95

THE STAINLESS STEEL WALLET – The chief complaint about leather wallets is that they’re not resistant to seawater. Well, your problem is solved!   $89.95

THE TEMPLE AND EYE MASSAGER -- Comes in Swedish, Deep Tissue, and Shiatsu models. $149.95

THE REMOTE CONTROLLED TARANTULA – Scurries across the floor on command. It’s the most useful $29.95 item you can ever buy!

ADJUSTABLE SHEEPSKIN SLIPPERS – Ideal for leaving the igloo to get the morning paper. $49.95

THE CHILDREN’S ELECTRIC 1948 INDIAN MOTORCYCLE – For ages 3-6. Chains, helmet, and 1948 trashy biker chick are extra. $149.95

THE ALWAYS COOL PILLOW – Either it means that the pillow is refrigerated or it will never go out of fashion. $69.95

THE DUTCH DOOR LOG CRIB – Just like Lincoln used to have. $249.95

THE SHINE ENHANCING GENUINE BOAR BRISTLE BRUSH – Expensive but costly to manufacture. You try shaving a boar. $79.95

CATNIX WORKSPACE PARTICIANS – Or… “two portable screens you could get anywhere or just make yourself". Flank your monitor with them and cats won’t walk across your keyboard.  It's either this or giving away the cat.  $37.99

ROCK LAMPS – Perfect for the Flintstones décor that is so popular these days. $39.99

SOCK MONKEY HAT AND MITTENS – It’s the cry for help that keeps your warm! $29.95 each.

If these or any other SKY MALL product attracts your attention, make note of it, and when you get home buy it on line for half of what the SM charges. And with the money you save you can buy that bag of potato chips American Airlines offers for only $3.29.

The night I met John Lennon

It was the summer of ‘72. This is another radio story. I was an engineer at KABC/KLOS in Los Angeles. It was a Saturday night. Elliott Mintz hosted a weekend talk show on KABC. He was (and is) very close to Yoko Ono. I believe been her publicist for all these years.

On this particular Saturday night he had arranged for John and Yoko to be his guests. I knew nothing about it.  But I happened to be on a break, and as I turned into the long hallway that ran the length of the station I spotted John and Yoko at the side door.

Holy shit! I couldn’t believe it.

So I barreled down the hallway to let them in. John was wearing a jean jacket and sported the familiar round wire glasses, hair parted down the middle. Yoko was wearing a giant black fur. I think it was August.

I let them in and said I’d escort them to the booth. I introduced myself and shook hands with both. John’s handshake was very limp. Yoko’s was very firm.

Like I said, this was a long hallway. What do you say to John Lennon? I didn’t want to just gush and be yet another tiresome groupie. And there was hardly time to engage him in a lengthy discussion.

There was, at the time, a NATIONAL LAMPOON comedy album that was quite popular. One of the cuts was a parody of John Lennon. In it, the Lennon impersonator keeps boasting, “I’m a fuckin’ genius! I’m a fuckin’ genius!”

So, throwing caution to the wind, I asked the great John Lennon, “So what’s it like being a fuckin’ genius?” I know. You’re horrified.  What the hell was I thinking?

John smiled at me and said, “Pretty nice, actually!”

We shook hands again and he and Yoko disappeared into the studio.  In addition to everything else, he really did have that sense of humor.

I still can’t believe he’s gone. And for so many years.

He was a fuckin’ genius.

Trailer moments

When you go in and pitch a comedy idea to a movie studio, they’ll usually ask you, “What are the trailer moments?” Sometimes they’ll ask this in lieu of, “What is the story?” But studio comedies are all about boxoffice. High-concept ideas, bankable stars, sequels, franchises.

Some studio people will tell you (but deny it) that sometimes the trailer is more important than the film.

Nancy Meyers makes trailers and then just pads the remaining 89 minutes with filler.

My writing partner and I were once hired to write some jokes expressly to be inserted into a trailer. It was maybe the greatest and shortest gig we ever had. We asked, if the jokes work, will you put them in the movie itself?  No.

When you watch comedy trailers, be aware – these are the funniest moments in the film. These are the big pratfalls (trailer makers LOVE pratfalls), the best zingers, and what they hope will be the most memorable moments. Or, in the case of Nancy Meyers, the only moments.

So if the trailer isn’t funny, if the jokes are forced, if the physical stunts are lame, if the best they could do was a gag about shit on Katherine Heigl’s face, then you can bet the movie will be what’s on Katherine Heigl’s face.

But what if the trailer is funny? Knowing that these are the best jokes, you may wonder if it’s still worth seeing because you know all the highlights? Here’s the amazing thing. The laughs in the trailer get the biggest laughs in the theater, even though most of the audience has been exposed to the jokes already. It's bizarre. 

However, the same does not hold true for giving away plot twists in the trailer. Spoiler alerts might not apply for jokes but they sure do for stories. And as a general rule, if you can set up the premise easily and clearly in a trailer, then you don’t need thirty minutes of screen time to do the same thing.

Trailers today have become an art… and a science. The amount of creativity and research that goes into previews is staggering. I can’t imagine J.D. Salinger ever went to his editor with a new book he intended to write and heard the editor say, “What are five good blurbs?” But that’s the current feature world. So when you pitch your comedy, make sure someone gets hit in the nuts, at least two people are humiliated, people dance to a 60s hit, the punchline to a joke is “vagina”, and you feature Betty White. Close your sale, and then go write STALAG 17.

Today's Wal-Mart Chanukah special!

Perfect with Latkas!!  Happy Chanukah!

WALKING DEAD fires their entire writing staff

THE WALKING DEAD writer/ executive producer/ director, Frank Darabont, recently fired his entire writing staff and intends to use freelance writers to tackle next season’s scripts. This is causing a huge stir in the Hollywood community. Well, not huge perhaps, but it is a topic at more than one Starbucks.

Some writers are outraged. Firing a staff could set a dangerous precedent, especially at a time when jobs are scarce. They have a valid point.

But…

I love the fact that freelance writers might actually get a chance again. It’s good for them and good for showrunners, too.

Way back in the dark ages (the 70s), most sitcoms had very small staffs and relied on outside assignments. These freelance scripts basically served as auditions. No one got hired on staff until they had proved they could write the show. As a showrunner, trust me, that’s a far more efficient method of staffing. Today, you hire staff writers based on spec scripts and often times they don’t pan out. Then you’re stuck with some slug who you’re paying while more deserving writers are shut out.

I know this will sound like crazy talk, but there was a time when you could actually make a living being a freelance writer.  Don't scoff.  It's true!   You could support your family without having to spend seven years on CHARLES IN CHARGE.

The truth is, you don’t need fifteen people sitting around the table to rewrite a script. Depending on who you hire, four can often do the job better. And faster.

The first season of CHEERS, the entire full-time staff consisted of the Charles Brothers, me and David Isaacs. That’s it. When David and I were head writers on MASH, the only other staffers were Larry Balmagia and Ronny Graham. Okay, we almost wound up in Cedars-Sinai hospital, but we got the work done.

And we all collectively discovered some great talent thanks to freelance scripts.

There are WGA guidelines that each series must assign one or two freelance assignments a season, but it’s a joke.   Most of the time producers promise these to friends or writer’s assistant.   Not that some of these assistants don’t deserve a chance (there are Greg Garcias among you), but others are just being rewarded for loyal service.   Again, more deserving writers are being turned away.  

Bottom line --  I feel bad when anybody loses their job (and there were some good writers let go in this purge), but I would welcome a landscape where there’s not just six or eight staffing positions open each season but thirty or forty open script assignments.

Will that happen? No. Of course not.  More crazy talk.  But this is the first step. And as they say, every journey must begin with the first step, even if those walking are WALKING DEAD.

What's it like writing for animals?

A lot easier than directing them. On FRASIER the key to writing for Eddie was not asking too much of him. Moose (Eddie’s real name) had an extraordinary trainer in Mathilde de Cagny. As long as the stunt was quick and doable, Mathilde could get Moose to do it (always through treats and loving care). If there was some question while we were writing we would just ask Mathilde. More often than not she’d say Moose could do it. The dog was a gamer! With actors we had to ask their managers.

Other writers were more of a problem. One day in the writers room I pitched some bit with Eddie and a sock and one of the writers (who constantly drove everyone nuts) asked, “What is Eddie thinking now?” What is he fucking THINKING??! How do you answer someone like that without being brought up on charges?

Moose passed away at 15, which is like 108 dog years. I'm only sorry he never got to be on INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO with James Lipton.

Directing animals is another story.

I directed an episode of JUST SHOOT ME called “Sewer”. The B-story had Nina (Wendie Malick) bringing in an orangutan. I forget why but I’m sure it was for a good reason. He was a little harder to train and was in a good part of the show.

On filming night I said to the actors, if he does anything unexpected just go with it and stay in character. We can always re-shoot the scene. Likewise, I told the four camera operators, if you’re on the orangutan and he does something wacky stay on him. Don’t go to your next shot.

Sure enough with cameras rolling and the audience in place, Wendie steps out of the elevator hand in hand with her furry friend, approaches David Spade’s counter, and has a brief exchange with him. The orangutan, who comes up to Wendie’s knees, lifts her dress a few inches, and peers right up between her legs. God love her, Wendie stayed completely in character and reacted with utter nonchalance. The audience went completely nuts. It was a five minute laugh.

After the show had been filmed and the audience released I went back to do some pick-ups. The orangutan’s trainer tapped me on the shoulder and gently told me it was past his bedtime. I said it would only be about another fifteen minutes. He repeated: “Uh, it’s past his bedtime.” I then asked what happens if he stays up after his bedtime?

“He bites everybody he sees.”

“Okay everybody, that’s a wrap!”

I’ve heard stories of actors who were reluctant to work with animals for fear of being upstaged, but I’ve never personally encountered one. However, I think there was a cat who once refused to work with Dustin Hoffman.