Korean Vaginal Steam Baths -- Why didn't we do this story on MASH?

As you know, this is the blog to turn to for the latest updates in show business and medicine. 

Today we focus on vaginal Steam Baths. It’s the newest chic spa treatment in – where else? – La La Land.

Yes, taking its place alongside Bull Semen Hair Conditioning, Placenta Facials, Snake Massages, Nightingale Droppings Facials, and Dark Bathing Beer Baths comes V-Steam Baths. A recent article in the LA TIMES details this revolutionary new treatment.

Actually, it’s not new. Supposedly, it’s an age-old Korean stress and infertility remedy. Women sit naked on a stool over a boiling pot of a mugwort tea blended with wormwood and a variety of other herbs. Korean women have been taking Vaginal steam baths for centuries, but tell me this doesn’t sound like something Hawkeye & Trapper dreamed up to lure nurses into their tent.

Vaginal steam baths, called chai-yok are now available in a Santa Monica spa. A 30-minute squat goes for $50.00. THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS are probably stampeding over there at this very moment. For the more budget conscious -- at Daengki Spa in Koreatown, a 45-minute treatment is only $20.00. The steam includes a mixture of 14 herbs imported from Korea. Hey, don’t laugh. This is how Colonel Sanders started.

And guys -- don’t feel left out. There’s a version for you, too. Why any guy would want to steam the clams, I don’t know. But it’s an option. I'm guessing it would simulate what it's like to be married to one of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS. 

Now I can hear you, gals. You’re saying, “Darn! I don’t live in Los Angeles. I guess there’s no way for me to experience this miracle treatment.” Well, you’re in luck! You can get a complete setup for a do-it-yourself steam — open-seated stool, boiler and herbs -- for only $330.00! How did the Sky Mall miss this goldmine? To answer Britney Spears’ next question, “No, I don’t know if they have a model for the car”.

There is no hard medical evidence to substantiate that this treatment is effective, although I’m sure Hawkeye would say he’d need to observe a larger sample before making any final determination. But there are women who swear by it. The TIMES article quotes one happy customer:

Sherman Oaks-based writer Lanee Neil, said she prefers the V-Steam to the harshness of a douche and thinks of it as a "facial" for her private area.

"It's a simple, relaxing treatment," says Neil, who hopes it will help her become pregnant. "You can imagine people doing this in the forest somewhere."

More than imagine. There must be a REAL SEX segment where women do do this in the forest. If not, you’ll see one by Friday. And next season on CALIFORNICATION for sure.

So does it really work?  I don't know.  Only time will tell whether it’s a holistic godsend, or steam up your vagina is really nothing more than smoke up your ass.

The night I lifted a Buick

HOW DO YOU KNOW is very disappointing, especially considering it was written and directed by James L. Brooks. And I worry that younger readers only know of his work from his last two pictures – this and SPANGLISH. I will certainly concede that creatively he appears to be in a deep slump, but remember, this is a guy who has three Oscars, and probably more Emmys than I have credits. THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, TAXI, THE SIMPSONS, TERMS OF ENDEARMENT, BROADCAST NEWS – all his. He’d have to write thirty bombs just to break even.

I’ve been extremely blessed in my career to have had some great mentors. One was Jim Brooks. He really taught me that comedy comes out of character and truth. He taught me to dig deeper, get to the heart of a moment or character. Always strive to be fresh, unexpected, meaningful.

When I think of Jim’s influence I think of this one story.

I did punch-up one night a week on a show for Jim in the 80s called SIBS. Rewrite nights included Jim, Sam Simon, and Heide Perlman. Why they even needed me I do not know. But it was amazing watching Jim work. He was so fast and had so many ideas. Just a force of nature. On several occasions I saw him just pitch out entire scenes. I just sat there in awe. This can’t be done.

Around the same time I was also doing punch-up one night a week on WINGS. One night we were struggling over a scene, and suddenly I got a flash of inspiration. I stood up (which I NEVER do, and recommend you never do) and just pitched out the whole scene, jokes and everything. We went back and refined it, but I’d say 85% of the scene is exactly as I pitched it out whole cloth.

You hear stories about people who get a rush of adrenaline and can lift Buicks? That was me that night. I sat back down and thought to myself, “I was channeling Jim Brooks”. That’s the only time in my career I was ever able to do that. I've never come close before or since.

And he did it routinely. So when you think of Jim Brooks, please think HOW DID HE DO THAT not HOW DO YOU KNOW.

Here’s that scene I pitched for WINGS. Thanks to Suzanne Welke for knowing which episode it was in. Her encyclopedic knowledge of WINGS is even more impressive than the ability to pitch out a scene.

My predictions for 2011

In addition to debuting her own cable network, Oprah Winfrey will start her own space program, invent a new vegetable, and occupy Asia.

Hugh Hefner and new bride Crystal will call it quits after only three months when she realizes he’s apt to last out the year.

Inspired by Hef, Larry King will propose to Miranda Cosgrove.

The NBA will try to sell itself as a family sport while every player in the league has at least twenty tattoos.

Natalie Portman will be in every movie released this year.

President Obama will try to improve his approval rating by declaring he’s really a vampire.

Hollywood studios, in a desperate attempt to keep the comic book super hero craze alive will release THE GREEN HORNET, CAPTAIN AMERICA, X-MEN, THOR, and CULLIGAN MAN.

No one will care who becomes this year’s AMERICAN IDOL. Or which hundred guys Kim Kardashian dates.

BLUE VALENTINE will be a big hit, not because it’s a searing look into the state of marriage but because there’s a Michelle Williams oral sex scene.

The only difference between Mel Gibson and Michael Vick in 2011 is that Michael Vick will be able to find work.

MTV will reach a point where they will have no music programming at all. CNN will pick up the slack.

When iPhones are available on Verizon there will be a mass exodus of AT&T customers. So much so that Verizon will be overwhelmed and their service will suck.

When Charlie Sheen makes a hotel reservation he will be required to bring his own furniture.

The Detroit Tigers will win the American League Central.

Every time I mention Sarah Palin and the fact that she’s a blithering idiot and disgrace I will receive hate comments from overly-sensitive readers.

In a very special episode of CSI, Laurence Fishburne will move.

There will be people asking the clerk at Borders if the book-on-tape of the Mark Twain autobiography is read by the author.

Katy Perry and Lady Gaga will swap wardrobes.

The toughest race in this year’s Oscars will be Best Actress.

The easiest will be Best Supporting Actor. Christian Bale.

I will be coming out with two books this year. The first one very soon.

For security purposes the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding will be moved to Leonard’s of Great Neck.

Every team will make the NBA playoffs except the Clippers.

Electric cars will finally be embraced by the public now that extra-long extension cords come standard with the car.

Vince Vaughn will guest on MIKE & MOLLY as Mike’s heavier brother.

The Pittsburgh Pirates will be greatly improved and will not be mathematically eliminated until after the All-Star Break.

Lindsay Lohan will experiment with electric wine enemas.

Since this is the kind of stuff I post on Twitter I will get three new followers this year.

The networks will develop ten “GLEE” type shows and none will get on the schedule. KU KLUX KARAOKE will come closest.

Sarah Palin will announce that she plans to run for president in 2012 and that her running mate will be Snooki Polizzi.

There will not be a GULLIVER’S TRAVELS 2.

Good news for travelers:  Chernobyl reopens for tourism.  See the most horrific nuclear power plant disaster in history.  Items in the gift shop will be unrecognizable.  

Keith Olbermann’s head will get so large they’ll have to shoot his close ups from across the street.

There will be more accidents in SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL than in all the meth labs in the world combined.

According to religious nut Harold Camping, the world will end on October 21st.  Make sure your CD's mature by then. 

We will wonder how we all lived before AppleTV.

Even though Cliff Lee didn’t sign with the Yankees for more money, he will scrape by with the $120 million he did receive from the Phillies.

I will be blogging for another year... whether anyone wants me to or not.

How Diana became Annie

A reader discovered that my daughter Annie's real name is Diana and wondered how and why she made the change. Annie herself has graciously agreed to answer.

There has been an inquiry about my going by Annie rather than Diana. Most of you probably had no idea that my name was Diana unless you've either a) known me since birth b) are a friend of mine or c) have read my father's book (so that's what like two of you?). There was no "Kafka-esque metamorphosis". It was more of a Bruce Wayne/Batman secret identity thing although now that its been revealed I guess my crime-fighting days are over. So you are all to blame when Two-Face starts wreaking havoc again.

Actually my parents always called me "Annie." Other delightful nicknames include Dow Chemical, Porntip and Youngster Fishman. So its not too surprising that I chose to go by Annie instead. Though you're all welcome to call me "Porntip."

Tomorrow:  My predictions for 2011.  Last year I was right about three of them.   Okay, two.

Leftover Holiday Tweets

In case you're one of the 7 billion people who don't follow me on Twitter, this is the crap I've been tweeting this weekend: 

DEC 31

Thank God the production people from SPIDERMAN: THE MUSICAL weren't in charge of the giant ball dropping. Thousands would have been killed.

Who needs to go to a big New Years Eve party when I have all my close Facebook friends right here with me on the computer?

Just so there's no confusion, let's put Snooki in the big ball now so she'll be in place ready to go next New Year's Eve.

My grandmother used to say, "New Year's Eve is for amateurs!" At least I think that's what she said. She really slurred.

All 2010 calendars for 80% off at Walmart! Today only!

JAN 1

How many folks from Buffalo just saw the Rose Parade and already have the U-Haul packed for LA? It rains here and we have no NFL team.

Got Rose Bowl on mute. Even Brent Musberger's closed captions are boring and insipid.

Happy birthday to every racehorse. What an AMAZING coincidence!!

Watched the 3 Stooges marathon. Every short looked like the trailer to LITTLE FOCKERS.

My New Year's Resolution: Not to Tweet and leave Facebook comments every ten minutes. Aw shit.

Why I hate the Lakers

It's the sports team of the Hollywood elite. Good luck if a real fan wants a decent seat. He either needs to take out a loan, star in a movie, or hang out with Kim Kardashian. Ron Jacobs, in his blog, wrote a wonderful piece on the Christmas Day Lakers game complete with tons of pictures (and delightful captions provided by Ron). Here are just a few of the photos. You can check out his piece here. 

Happy New Year!

May 2011 be for you what 2010 was for Taylor Swift, vampires, the San Francisco Giants, Jeff Bridges, Lady Gaga, THE WALKING DEAD, Stieg Larsson, Jane Lynch, Michael Buble, Betty White, Brooklyn Decker, MAD MEN, Kathryn Bigelow, Andre Dawson, Jennifer Grey, Justin Bieber, Josh Hamilton, Denzel Washington, Facebook, Bryan Cranston, Jerry Rice, Hugh Hefner, Beyonce, Pokemon Heartglow, Viola Davis, the New Orleans Saints, Neil Diamond, Sandra Bullock (except the cheating asshole husband part), Mark Twain, Merle Haggard, Maura West, Lee DeWyze, Scottie Pippen, MODERN FAMILY, Twitter, Kyra Sedgwick, THE HURT LOCKER, Pandora, Scarlett Johansson, FENCES, King Felix, Kings of Leon, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, 3-D glasses manufacturers, Leon Russell, the Los Angeles Lakers, RED, Wii Sports Resort, Dino Ciccarelli, Aaron Paul, Aaron Sorkin, Coco, Joey Votto, Darlene Love, NEXT TO NORMAL, Edie Falco, Doug McIntyre, Archie Panjabi, Douglas Hodge, the Chicago Blackhawks, Eric Stonestreet, TOP CHEF, Ann-Margaret, Alice Cooper, CASH CAB, Jerry Herman, Mass Effect 2, the Rally to Restore Sanity, Henrik Sedin, Keith Richards, the Duke Blue Devils, Neil Patrick Harris, Paul Harding, AVATAR, Hope Dworaczyk, Zac Brown Band, Ohrah Winfrey (every year is a great year for her), Julie Berman, A & E, Ryan Seacrest, Michael Park, the Texas Rangers, MEMPHIS, Howard Stern, GLEE, Rachel Ray, Emmitt Smith, Catherine Zeta-Jones, LA CAGE AUX FOLLES, Richard F. Heck, Ei-ichi Negishi, Akira Suzuki, Buzz Lightyear, Drew Tyler Bell, Paul McCartney, and me for having readers like you.

Happy New Year!