50 ways to get a script assignments

Opportunities don’t come along very often. You've gotta take advantage.

When David and I were starting out, our first sale was to THE JEFFERSONS. The story editors had liked our spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and invited us to pitch stories. If the producers responded to one of them we would get an assignment.

The ground rules: Each story had to be no longer than one paragraph. Basically loglines, the type you used to see in TV Guide when there was a TV Guide. And you could only pitch three stories.

Back then you could actually make a living as a freelance writer. Shows had smaller staffs and left a lot assignments open for freelancers. That and the sexual revolution were the two best features of the ‘70s. So THE JEFFERSONS invited quite a few people in to pitch. Giving each writer three shots seemed fair. 

We pitched our three stories. The story editors liked one and passed it up the line to the producers. A week later we get a call. The producers didn’t buy our story. Shit!

But we were invited back to pitch three more. Which we did. And they liked one of them. Again, it was passed up the line. And this time the producers responded favorably. We got our first assignment!

Flash forward a few months. Among the other clients at the agency that represented us was Gene Reynolds, the showrunner of MASH. Our agents submitted our draft of THE JEFFERSONS and Gene liked it well enough to invite us in for a general meeting. George Jefferson is so similar to Hawkeye that if you can write one show it just stands to reason you can write the other.

We did feel we could write MASH, primarily because we had both spent some time in the army and had a good handle on that world and its idiocy. The meeting was lovely. Gene loaded us down with research material and said he’d be happy to entertain some story pitches from us. As we left, I asked how many? He shrugged and said, “I dunno.  As many as you got.”

A week later we were back in his office. And we had prepared fifty story notions. That’s right. 5-0. Given this once-in-a-lifetime chance to write a MASH there was no way we were going to walk out of that room without an assignment.

Gene liked two of the first ten and put them together. After that he stopped us. His head was exploding. We got the assignment. (It was the episode where the gas heater exploded and Hawkeye was temporarily blind. (Sorry. I should’ve said SPOILER ALERT.)

Now you may think that with fifty story ideas, selling at least one would be a cinch.  We thought so, too.  But no. 

Another show we got to pitch was MAUDE. There they let us come in with ten stories. Same deal as with THE JEFFERSONS (same company). The story editor liked one of our ideas but the producers above him nixed it. This happened five separate times. So we were 0-50 with MAUDE.

Meanwhile, on MASH, we wrote three episodes for them that season, and the following year we were brought aboard as story editors. We moved up the chain eventually to head writers. And I would say over the next couple of years we probably did 39 of the 50 ideas we originally pitched. Hey, we liked them when we came up with them; we liked them two years later.

The point is, whatever the opportunity – pitching shows, pilots, interviewing for PA positions or mailroom gigs, or whatever – do the maximum. And then do a lot more. Show more initiative than anyone else in the room. And never lose that mindset.  I’ve since become friends with that story editor from MAUDE and damn it, we’re still going to get as assignment on that freaking show!

"Hello, I have a collect call from Wesley Snipes..."

Here are some holiday leftovers...

Hope you had a great 4th of July. I did. Went down to Redondo Beach at Great Big Radio Guy’s place to watch the fireworks. And unlike a couple of years ago, there was no thick fog. That was bizarre. They shot off the fireworks anyway. Here's an example.  This was either a one big starburst or series of clusters, but it/they were awesome!

Not surprised that LARRY CROWNE flopped. Writer friend R. R. has a theory: No American film which has any adults riding on motor scooters with helmets on can be any good at all. He’s right.

One of the sponsors of Dodger baseball (at least on Time-Warner Cable) Friday night was AshleyMadison.com. This is a dating website for married people who want to engage in affairs. You have the great Vin Scully calling the game and commercials advocating infidelity. This to me is more unbelievable than the Dodgers filing for bankruptcy.

And if AshleyMadison.com is looking for a new spokesman, can I suggest Chris Hansen, the host of the NBC’s “To Catch a Predator”?

PAGE ONE, the documentary on the New York Times is a terrific movie. It might not be playing in your area because they need all the screens for TRANSFORMERS 3 but keep an eye out for it.

Speaking of TRANSFORMERS, as you probably know, I’m not a huge fan of Michael Bay. Trey Parker & Matt Stone wrote this beautiful love song for TEAM AMERICA that pretty much expresses my sentiments as well. Thanks to my daughter, Annie for alerting me to it.



One of the funniest spec screenplays I ever read was called HORRIBLE BOSSES by Michael Markowitz. I sure hope the movie is good.

Recently, during  one of Sarah Palin's stirring speeches she said Paul Revere's famous ride was to warn the British. Oh really?  Then wouldn't his famous saying be, "You are coming!  You are coming!"? 

Oh the injustice! Derek Jeter is having a horrible year. And he’s been injured a good part of the season (the part where the Yankees are winning). Yet, the baseball fans around the country named him one of the American League starters for the All-Star Game next week. Here’s the injustice – why didn’t Ichiro also get elected? He’s having just as off a year as Jeter. And for that matter, why the snub of Lenny Dykstra? Just cause he’s retired and now in prison? If we’re going to entrust the sacred responsibility of selecting All-Star starters to the fans (after all, the game now means something – what, I don’t know but still), then there’s an obligation to be fair. I’m very disappointed. And I know Lenny is. He called me on PrisonerConnect.com.

Now you’re going to think this is a spoof but it’s NOT. This is a commercial that has run on CNN. There actually is a service called PrisonerConnect.com. Have a look.



Like they say in the commercial: "How can you go wrong?" Women, your lonely nights are over!

How did the Time-Warner Cable Dodger salesmen miss this? 

There’s supposed to be a big Facebook announcement tomorrow. Speculation is either a new video chat feature or dead people will now be able to poke you.

Great HuffingtonPost headline: Could Wind Farms Blow Earth Off Orbit?

Yes, it’s a tragedy but the irony is just too great. Another recent HuffingtonPost headline: Motorcyclist Dies On Ride Protesting Helmet Law

And finally from HuffPost:  Woman Caught Sneaking Man Out Of Prison in Suitcase After Conjugal Visit.

I hate interleague play.  Glad it's over. 

And finally...

I’m thinking of putting out a home version of 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW. It comes complete with game board, questions, and explosives.

Fireworks

I hope you enjoy fireworks tonight without blowing your hand off. I never quite got the attraction of holding lit sticks with small explosives made in unknown countries by craftsmen who earn nineteen cents a month.

Being a baseball announcer I see firework shows at least five times a year. They’re usually on when I’m doing the postgame show, trying to read out-of-town scores while the raid on Osama is going on in the background.

When I broadcast for the Mariners in the '90s we used to have indoor fireworks at the Kingdome. That never seemed like a good idea, and in fact ceiling tiles began plummeting to the ground.

And then of course there was the post game fireworks show at MacArthur Stadium when I was broadcasting for the Syracuse Chiefs. A spark started a brush fire beyond the left field wall.

But the best fireworks show I ever heard of was on July 5th, 1985. It was supposed to be a July 4th show. The Atlanta Braves were hosting the New York Mets that night. The game went 19 innings and ended at 3:55 in the morning. At 4:01 the show began. I’m sure the twelve people in the stands LOVED it.

This weekend I'll be broadcasting for the Mariners on 710 ESPN Seattle.  We'll be in Anaheim for a four game series with the Angels.  And Friday night is fireworks night.  


Happy July 4th weekend. Drive safe out there.

If GPS Systems could really talk

A lot of folks are on the road this holiday weekend, giving their GPS systems a real workout.  My GPS guide is so nice. She’s incredibly patient with me. Whenever I disobey her instructions she just assumes I have a good reason and re-calibrates. What a gal! And she’s always cheerful. Never any PMS from my GPS. But sometimes I wonder, what is she really thinking? What would she be saying if she had a few tequila shooters first? And now I can’t help it. Whenever she gently speaks this is what I’m hearing in my head:

“Left turn ahead. What the fuck?! You missed the street. LEFT! How hard a fucking concept is that to you? LEFT!"

“Left turn ahead. SHIT! You missed it again! Are you a fucking moron? Jesus! Those fucking test monkeys can do it. At the next street, TURN LEFT ASSHOLE!”

“Left turn ahead. What? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! Okay. Pull over. Stop the Goddamn car. Right now. Stop it! Hold out your left arm. Don’t give me shit, just do it! Well, halle-friggin-luiah ! Brain-dead boy knows his left from his right. So why can’t you do that when I tell you? Okay, new rules: The next time I tell you to turn left and you don’t I’m taking you right off the Santa Monica Pier. “

“At the next intersection make a legal U-turn. Oh hell, there’s no cops here. Whip it around now!”

“At the next – Jesus, how would you describe it? Wide right? Almost straight but curves a little? Whatever. You’ll fuck it up anyway.”

“Do you ever plan on washing this car?”

“Why did you pick the freeway route? This is going to take forever. What, are you afraid someone is going to car jack you if you take a city street? You are such a pussy!”

“Hey, turn down the fucking radio! I’m talking to you. And what the hell are you listening to Michael Buble for anyway?”

“I know it’s not the direct route but I like to look at the pretty stores. Suck it up.”

“Don’t answer that call. You can’t do one thing at a time much less two.”

“In one half mile, stick your finger in the lighter socket. Just kidding.”

“No. I refuse to take anybody to Applebees.”

“The Washington Monument? You need directions to the Washington Monument? You can’t fucking see it? Are you retarded?”

“You have arrived at your destination. Leave the car unlocked and the key in the ignition. Maybe someone with a sense of direction will steal the car.”

I think from now on I’ll just print up Mapquest directions.

For anyone who hates assholes that text in theaters...

You're going to LOVE this!  This is going to make your holiday weekend.

THE OFFICE recut as a traditional sitcom

Okay,this is brilliant! THE OFFICE recut as a typical cheesy 80s or 90s sitcom. It was made by benny2700, whoever that is. So put your Walkman down, stop playing Pong for a few moments and enjoy this video.

How much do writers really make on DVD sales?

Happy July! Let’s kick off the month with some Friday Questions.

Drew gets us started:

You mentioned the props for Cheers a few weeks back. I was thinking that being in charge of props and wardrobe has to be a nightmare. If there is a scene with a birthday cake, are their multiple copies in case an actor drops it? Are their multiples of the actor's shirt in case the cake is dropped on said shirt?

The answer to your question is yes. There are multiples of wardrobe and props. And that exact example happened on the first show I ever directed. In fact, it happened on the first scene. It was an episode of WINGS involving a birthday cake and Crystal Bernard drops it accidentally on camera. The good news is (a) we had another cake, and (b) that blooper appeared on Dick Clark’s blooper show for years. I made more on that clip then I ever did from all the DVD sales of CHEERS and MASH. Which neatly leads us to the next question:


Paul Nikkel asks:

I recently purchased the entire 11 season DVD collection for Cheers and am enjoying reliving old memories. I always look for episodes that you and David have written. My question is how do royalties work for the writers on DVD's? With my purchase can you now afford that new BMW you have been looking at or do I need to get 10 of my closest friends to purchase the series so you can buy a Starbucks Latte?

I’d need a hundred of your best friends to buy the full collection before my royalties could buy me a cup of coffee at 7-11’s. It’s a joke. Hopefully, in the last contract, by gaining a toehold in streaming video, writers will eventually make even a small portion of what we deserve. Or I’m just dreaming. 

Meanwhile, DVD sales have plummeted.  The major studios are crying.  Boo fucking hoo.  


From DyHardMET:

Say that you're an established writer on an established series (into at least season 2 or 3)...is it more difficult to have to write for a new, unestablished regular character than it is to write for the established characters?

It’s much more difficult. The more you write for a character and hear the actor perform him the more you learn his strengths and weaknesses. With a new character it’s a crapshoot.

If a character is being introduced that will appear in several episodes or become a regular (like Rebecca on CHEERS), it’s best to have either the showrunners or a trusted staff member write the first episode or two and let the other writers use that as a template.

Glen & Les Charles wrote the episode of CHEERS that introduced Rebecca Howe. David and I wrote episode three or four (“I On Sports”) but we had Glen & Les’ draft to give us a roadmap.

It also helps if you’re writing to a specific actor. In the case of Charles Winchester on MASH, David Ogden Stiers had been hired before a script was written. In that case, David and I wrote the first episode featuring Charles. It was not the episode that introduced him. Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum were assigned that one but they had our script for reference.

And Finally, RyderDA asks:

I've noticed that in a comedy or drama series, occasionally, guest actors (in large or small parts) drop in, and "click", fitting in instantly, making the series new and fresh. Then they come back, and stick around. The most obvious example of this currently is the ever-growing cast of GLEE. I'm wondering how a you as a producer/director/writer handle this without letting it get out of hand and allowing the cast to balloon (like happened on E.R., the West Wing, Ally McBeal, etc), and how the principles of the series respond to it.

If an outside character breaks out it’s a true gift from God. Christopher Lloyd as Reverend Jim on TAXI and Michael Emerson as Ben on LOST are just a couple that come quickly to mind.

But there are definite considerations – the budget being the first. Can you afford to add another actor? It’s easier to justify on established hit shows.

Then, as you brought up, you have to deal with your current cast. Chances are they don’t feel they get enough screen time as it is and now they’ll have even less. Things can get a little frosty on the set for awhile depending on the cast. I suppose it’s a little easier on hour dramas where you can just kill cast members off. This keeps the budget down and certainly curtails any grousing. I guess on GLEE they could kill off some of the kids. They could also just graduate them but that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

What’s your question? Happy holiday weekend. Please drive safely. And don’t make your own fireworks.