What turns men off?

A recent front page story in the Los Angeles Times (on obviously the slowest news day since 1954) claims that the smell of a woman’s tears can turn off a guy to her sexually. This scientific study put a group of women in a room, showed videos of the Brad Pitt wedding or something, and as they all wept uncontrollably, collected their tears. Then horny guys were asked to smell the tears and their libidos dropped precipitously.

Who even thinks to do such a study first of all? And why? But aside from that…

Neuroscientists from the Weizmann Institute of Science claim that the fifty men in the control group experienced a drop in testosterone of 13%.

Now here’s my problem: 13%? For guys? That’s nothing. At best that’s maybe one more drink.

So the Levine Institute set about exploring this further. For a guy to be sufficiently turned off to where he doesn’t want to have sex with a woman he was previously attracted to, testosterone levels must drop 87.3%.

Here are other factors that dampen a man’s sex drive along with the percentage of how much:

She has a swastika tattoo – 7%

She wants to play her Barry Manilow mix tape during – 3%

She calls out your business partner’s name – 5%

She wants to do it at church during Christmas Mass – 2%

She says you’re smaller than her last boyfriend – 6%

She says you’re smaller than the guy an hour ago – 7%

She has 350 cats – 4%

She has a testicle collection – 8%

She has hairier legs than you – 8%

She wants to do a credit check on you first – 1%

She’s in desperate need of an exorcist – 4%

She's in desperate need of exercise -- 5%

She was a champion on FEAR FACTOR – 4%

She has to ask her stuffed animals if it’s okay to sleep with you – 1%

She wants to turn the lights out when you take your clothes off – 2%

She was once married to Marilyn Manson – 8%

She wants to check her email during – 1%

She wants to smoke during – 2%

She wants to read my blog during – 60%

She’s Orthodox and only wants to do it through a hole in a sheet – 5%

Her biker husband is in the next room – 4%

She’s a suspected serial killer -- 7% at 8 PM, 1 % at 1 AM

She doesn’t believe in birth control – 45% at 8 PM. 0% at 1 AM

She’s dead – 73.2%

She’s Ann Coulter – 93.8%

I expect at least Nobel recognition for this vital study.

Dan Ingram speaks out on Ted Williams

By now we've all seen the story of Ted Williams, the homeless toothless guy with the golden voice who was trying to get an announcing job while panhandling on a highway. A video was shot, it went viral, and he's now the darling of talk shows, doing commercials for Kraft Foods, MSNBC, NFL Films, and fielding other offers. It's certainly the feel good story of the year.

But there's another perspective. How do the professional voice over announcers feel about this? Dan Ingram has been a premiere voice talent for five decades. You've heard him on countless commercials. He also just happens to be one of the greatest Top 40 disc jockeys in the history of radio. Big Dan on powerhouse 77/WABC owned New York in the '60s and '70s...and Pittsburgh and Philadelphia and Boston and every other city on the eastern seaboard.

Dan wrote to me yesterday about the Ted Williams hysteria and I'd like to pass along his thoughts to you before you grab a sign and stake out an interstate off-ramp.   

Dear Ken,

I feel used and conned by all the sob-sister P.R. crap about the poor scab VO guy who is selling his rather resonant voice because he's an ex junkie and an ex lush. I know at least fifty thoroughly qualified VO men and women who have never been hooked on drugs or anything else who are having difficulty making a living wage doing VO work as honorable Union members. They all know from their endeavors how fickle, thoughtless and downright cruel the VO business can be. I know that I do, especially lately.

I wish him success when he hits the bricks like the rest of us. And success under a Union contract.

In solidarity,
Dan Ingram

A rookie writing mistake

From time to time I try to flag rookie writing mistakes so you can avoid making the same blunders I did early in my career. Today’s topic: writing on the nose.


On the nose refers generally to dialogue where the characters say exactly what they think.

Sally: “John, I am so mad at you because you always flirt with my sister, Carol, and you know how jealous I get and how competitive I am with her.”

Sounds pretty bald and unnatural, doesn’t it? That’s because people go to great lengths to NOT say exactly what they’re feeling. Your job as a writer is to covey what a character wants to say without having him actually say it.

What if Sally said this to John instead?

Sally: “Remind me the next time we’re at my parents. I think they have a copy of Carol’s prom picture. You can keep it in your wallet.”

Subtext is your friend.

People use sarcasm, drop subtle and not so subtle hints. They’ll lead to you a conclusion without actually spelling it out. They’ll react passive-aggressively. They’ll mask their feelings, or deny them. Sometimes they’ll just clam up altogether. Or communicate more through their tone of voice than their words.

Body language is an excellent device. Most actors would prefer conveying their attitudes via gestures, facial expressions, and posture. A person’s body language might also be completely counter to the words out of his mouth.

Sally is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Sally :“Are you kidding? I think it’s great that you and Carol get along so well.” As she says this John sees her vigorously chop off the end of a carrot.

Let someone’s behavior inform us of his or her attitude.

Sally starts flirting with Carol’s boyfriend.

Sally goes outside and has a cigarette and we’ve established that she no longer smokes.

Sally “accidentally” spills a drink in Carol’s lap.

When Sally and John are getting ready for bed that night and John is in the bathroom, Sally picks up his iPhone and checks to see if there are any texts between John and Carol and how many times he’s called her recently.

Now this isn’t to say characters never articulate their feelings, but there has to be a reason for them to. They’re cornered. They’re confronted. They’ve had a few drinks and let down their guard. They slip. They’ve left so many clues that haven’t been picked up that out of frustration they just blurt it out.

And even then, they rarely spell out word for word what they want to convey.

Sally: “Okay, you wanna know what’s pissing me off? You, John. You’re an asshole. You did everything but stick your tongue down Carol’s throat. That’s my sister, you dick!”

The point is there are alternative ways of expressing feelings. Explore them. Your characters will thank you. Or they’ll give you a little gesture that says thank you.

My favorite new iPad app!

This vital application teaches you how to roll a joint. Where was this far out app in the '60s when I was fumbling around with those Zig Zag papers?

"My boyfriend looks just like a movie star!"

One of the staples of romcom is mistaken identity. Comedy comes from the confusion of someone either posing as someone else or someone believing somebody is somebody else. When you watch and hopefully enjoy these farces do you ever think to yourself, “Oh, this could never happen in real life”?

Well here’s one that really did happen -- a few years ago in that always crazy kooky town of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
A guy and his girlfriend were watching a porno movie at 10:30 in the morning in their house. (A far better alternative than THE VIEW). The girl, 20 year old Amanda Moya (pictured above) suddenly thought a certain porn actor who had just entered the scene was in fact her boyfriend. (Wouldn’t he have to resemble the actor in two ways? But I digress.)

She went bat-shit. This is the kind of "previous experience" she must have felt he was obliged to reveal before they moved in together...and had a kid.

Amanda grabbed a large kitchen knife and started chasing him around the house. The terrified look-alike called 911 on his cell as he dodged his knife-wielding beloved.

Wearing only shorts he bolted out of the house and ran down the street for his life, still on line with 911. Meanwhile Amanda followed, hell bent to go all Benihana on him.

He breathlessly told the dispatcher that Amanda had already stabbed him and bitten him on his chest. And then he offered, “She already has battery charges against her. She’s not even supposed to be around me.” (Quick reminder: they live together. And have a child.)

The 911 operator told him to get to a store while she called authorities. (How come you never see this high-speed chase on COPS?) Amanda, with thoughts I'm sure of becoming the next Lorena Bobbitt, remained in hot pursuit.

The victim tells the dispatcher that he sees the arriving cops. But he’s worried they'll just keep heading to his house. The dispatcher says, “Do they see your girlfriend?” He says, “Yes!” She says be sure to point her out. (A crazed woman waving the O.J.-weapon-of-choice isn’t enough to catch a policeman’s attention?)

Amanda was arrested and charged with aggravated assault & battery. Sometimes a happier ending than guy-gets-the-girl is cops-get-the girl.

Watch your local listings. Scheduled for next summer release: SLICE OF LOVE starring Lindsay Lohan, and introducing Rock Hard.

My bad hair day (decade).

Top 40 stations in the 50s-mid 70s distributed survey sheets every week to local record stores (you remember record stores). These listed the top hits the station was playing and usually featured a photo of one of the disc jockeys. Here is a rare survey from KYA, San Francisco in 1974 that featured a young, skinny me with waaaay too much hair. They took this shot on a windy day, which also didn't help. I was hoping they'd take it during thick early morning fog. 

You'll notice that Cleaver is spelled with two e's. That was the station's brilliant idea to protect themselves against a lawsuit. I didn't give a shit. Half my listeners couldn't spell anyway.

Thanks to Classic Top 40 Radio and California Airchecks for the surveys.

My partner and I discuss our ersatz careers and try to look cool on television

Recently, David Isaacs and I guested on an internet interview show called "the Writers Room" hosted by writer Mark Reisman. Here's the show. It's an hour long. In that time we tell everything we know. Twice.