My book is now available in paperback

WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED is now available in "handsome" paperback form.  I'm pricing it ridiculously cheap.  I'm not going to make a fortune anyway so why not make it more attractive for people to buy?  It's only $6.99.  Seriously.  That's all.  Here's where you order.  And remember, it makes a great gift and Christmas is coming up. 

UPDATE:  Out of stock for the moment.  Making a slight change in the printing.  Should be back up in a day or so.  You are welcome to pre-order.  Sorry for the delay.  

If you thought Don Draper was good...

I’m always looking for effective ways of selling my book. (By the way, it’s gotten great reviews, it’s very funny, and the ebook costs only $2.99. What are you waiting for??? Order it here for Kindle, here for the Nook, here for everywhere else. And the paperback has just come out.  It's only $6.99 and you can order that here.  

But when I think of great salesmen, one name immediately comes to mind. Reverend Gene Scott. I’ve mentioned him before. He was a mainstay of local LA television in the ‘70s and ‘80s. He had this cable channel and was on it 24 hours a day. Twelve of those hours he was live. Twenty-one of those hours he was pitching for money. You rarely, if ever, saw him actually teach or preach the gospel.

He used a variety of techniques. Dr. Scott was a ruggedly handsome figure with flowing white hair and piercing eyes. Every time you tuned in, there he was, sitting on this garish wooden throne of buffalo antlers, staring at you, soliciting. Every other TV evangelist would cajole you, appeal to your sense of commitment and faith, and even occasionally beg. Not Dr. Scott.

He would get angry at you. He would yell at you. He would call you worthless.  He would accuse you of being in league with the devil.  (Dr. Scott was very big on the devil.  That was his go-to guy.)

He would sometimes set time limits. $30,000 in 30 minutes, or else! (I never knew what “what else” was since he never actually preached.) And then my favorite – he would just stare at you… for an hour. At the time I’m writing MASH and thinking, “I’m killing myself trying to come up with material to pack into every minute of the show” and this guy is more mesmerizing just sitting in a chair staring at me.

He brought in money by the bucket loads.

Now, obviously I can’t do that. I guess I could ask you to stare at the picture at the top of this post until you break down and buy the book, but I don't think that would work. 

Recently, I heard someone else try to emulate a Dr. Scott method with disappointing but riotous results.

I was surfing one night through iTunes radio, sampling different internet stations. I came upon this oldies station from Great Britain. A record ends and the owner of the station comes on. He says the station survives on donations alone. He then tells his audience to go to his website and pledge a donation. I was just about to move on.  But then he said this: “I’m not going back to music until I’ve received thirty pledges”.

Allll-riiiight! Now I knew I was in for some fine entertainment.

There are a billion other oldies internet stations. Some play the hits, some play obscure songs; there’s probably four that play Annette records 24/7. So his threat is completely toothless.

For the next half hour this guy vamps like there was no tomorrow. Clearly, he's getting no takers. How could he get thirty pledges? There couldn’t have been more than five people (including me) listening to this.

At first he jabbered on and on about how unique his playlist was. Uh, no. There are a thousand other stations playing that same Clarence Frogman Henry records. Then he discussed how hard he works and how much time this station requires. Uh, who’s telling you to do it?

Then he fumbles around for ten minutes groping for anything to say. Finally, he gets angry. But he's British. So he can't just yell at you like Dr. Gene. The best he can do is be properly peeved. And inside I know he's ready to explode.

Finally, out of pity (and gratitude for such a delightful half hour) I went to his website to make a donation.

I got an error message. The site wasn’t working.

It was the devil!  The devil I say!!

Open letter to anyone producing a sitcom pilot

For those of you lucky (or unlucky) enough to have your pilot ordered you are now in the toughest part of the process – casting. These are the most crucial decisions you will ever have to make on your project. Everything else can be fixed. Scripts can be rewritten, scenes re-shot, set dressing changed. Even your premise can be altered. But if your actors suck you are dead.

The only thing worse is that the actors suck, you get picked up anyway, and then you are dead and sent to a hell reserved for Hannibal Lector and the guy who created WINDOWS 98.

So may I make one suggestion? It sounds incredibly obvious but you’d be surprised.

HIRE FUNNY PEOPLE.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Sorry you waiters at the Cheesecake Factory but there are not that many really funny people out there.

And there is the growing ham fisted network interference that attempts to take the casting decisions right out of your hands and give away your prize parts to old retreads or J. Crew models. More important than comic chops to these networks are good teeth and breasts that test well.

But that’s not what YOU should be looking for. You want people who are funny. And beware. There are enough good actors in Hollywood who are skillful enough to know where the jokes are and how to get them. You can be fooled. So don’t just go by the reading.

Go by the look, the attitude, their body language, their voice. They are intangible qualities but you can spot them right away. Just look at the cast photos of PARKS & RECREATION and THE OFFICE. Then compare them with say the Americanized version of COUPLING.
Good rule of thumb: if someone walks into your office and you immediately want to write a new half page of dialogue for him or her, that’s who you hire.

And as for the network battles? Sometimes they’ll be won over too. Laughter is a great selling point. And then there will be those times you’ll hear, “Yeah, he’s funny but…” Just remember – there ARE NO BUTS. You can be diplomatic, praise them for their choice of actors but suggest they might be even more wonderful in that exciting new procedural pilot they have where a special team solves crimes by looking at cremation remains. But at the end of the day you want the funny choice, even if he’s not known. Sometimes it’s BETTER that he’s not known.

Producing a pilot is like one man facing an army. There are constant battles and it’s always hard to know which ones to fight. But this is the big one. Fight to the death for funny.

Just imagine SEINFELD with William Devane as Kramer and Kim Ravers as Elaine.

Best of luck with your project. I'm not going to hope it's good. I'm going to hope it's close to your vision.

N is for Nude Beaches

Thanks to everyone who has bought my book.  As you can see, I'm doing really well in these categories.  You can order yours by clicking on cover icon on the right or just clicking here.

 

Now I'm really proud to be the number one selling travel book about Santa Barbara because let's face it, there must be millions of them.  You're probably thinking, so what does Ken's book have that no other does?  Well, to answer that, and as a way of giving a sample of the kind of travelogues you'll find in my book, here's my Santa Barbara entry.  Enjoy... and order. 

SANTA BARBARA July 2003


With both kids away this summer (I forget where) my wife and I snuck off to Santa Barbara for a long weekend. Other than the speeding ticket and dropping my cell phone in a pool it was a wonderful trip. Santa Barbara has become the land of the "smart writers who got out and bought when prices were still affordable.” Now one must go to Lodi.

Every structure in Santa Barbara is made of stucco. Every floor is tiled. Every hotel room has pictures of the mission. Maybe one in a gazillion tourists come up to Santa Barbara to see the friggin' mission.

Shacks are referred to as "cottages.”

Golden Girls writers have gorgeous homes up there. But I’m not bitter.

We stayed at the Inn at the Spanish Gardens. Lovely hotel. Not as nice as Bob Zemickis' tool shed but still. Walking distance to State Street and in a perfect location: down the block from the Council of Drug Prevention and Alcoholism. Across the street from Legal Services. And around the corner from the Probation Department. It was the Ritz-Carlton of Watts.

The town was jumping. All the guys looked like Ashton Kutcher or Jerry Garcia. All the women looked like Demi Moore or Ashton Kutcher.

Sue Grafton, the mystery author, lives up in Santa Barbara. And so, in following her lead...

S is for Sushi -- There are sushi restaurants on every block. Typical small town America.

I is for Informercial -- My favorite store in Santa Barbara is called "As Seen on TV.” It offers all the dandy items you see on television that you order by phone. From Vegematics to that miracle foam thing you put between your knees when you're sleeping, they have it all. My favorite is the Jane Fonda treadmill with the great added feature that there's nothing to plug in! It uses no electricity. You generate the belt moving by yourself! Excuse me, but isn't that called "walking"??? You're paying $200 to walk??? Shouldn't it be called the "Jane Fonda Hamster Wheel"? I overheard a customer say "How does this place stay in business if you can return stuff because none of this crap actually works?"

O is for the Oxiclean kit we bought. I never have to pour or measure detergent again! How did I live without this?

W is for the Wizard Pancake maker (which also makes donuts at no extra cost).

R is for Rain -- It rained Saturday. First time in late July in Santa Barbara since the Cenozoic Era. But did real estate values go down?? Nooooo.

A is for Appalled -- When I called the front desk and reserved an in-room massage, I gave my name as Kobe Bryant. (Note: at the time he was charged with raping a girl in his hotel room.)

P is for Politically Incorrect -- Santa Barbara boasts the first (and now only) Sambo’s restaurant. Noted without comment....except...come on guys!

E is for End of an Era -- the mask store on State Street is going out of business. Where will people who eat at Sambo's get their masks?

H is for Heist -- I saw an officer of the SBPD tooling around on a motorized scooter. If you want to rob a bank and your getaway vehicle is anything but a Segway I'd seriously consider Santa Barbara.

G is for Great Food -- The Palace Grill and Andersons.

M is for Mission -- Okay, we went to a mission after all. Gorgeous, impressive, truly majestic. No wait, that was our friends, Dave & Sally's new house in Ojai.

N is for Nude Beaches -- they have them in Santa Barbara. Considering that most people I saw shouldn't wear shorts much less go naked, I did not visit.




Z is for Zorro -- who, as legend has it, bought his first mask at the mask store on State Street.

Who says Hollywood only cares about itself?

Our hearts go out to everyone in Japan and everyone affected by the residual tsunamis.  The headlines and on-line videos have been heartbreaking and horrifying.  And then I went to one of those Hollywood industry sites.  Their big story was that production on HAWAII 5-0 did not have to shut down.  They had no shots near the shore so they were able to continue filming as planned.

All I can say is "WHEW!!!"

That was a close one.  I'm sure, like me, your first thought on hearing of a possible Hawaii tsunami was is this going to set HAWAII 5-0 back a day or two?   Thank God, thank GOD, that didn't occur.  That would have been a... well, a disaster.

That reminds me of the time there was an assassination attempt on President Reagan.  The headline in one of the trade papers the next day was...

OSCARS POSTPONED

and then, in much smaller letters...


PRESIDENT REAGAN SHOT

 

Was MASH ever asked to change its title?

It’s March 11th. To celebrate the Meiji Japanese government officially annexing the Ryukyu Kingdom in 1872, here are some Friday questions:

John starts it off:

Back in the 1960s and early 70s, I remember shows that went into daytime/evening re-runs while still showing on network were usually renamed, under the idea that the public was too dumb to figure out the difference between a first-run prime-time episode and one airing opposite the 6 p.m. news. Supposedly, that changed in 1978 because for some odd reason, Fox had sold the syndication rights to M*A*S*H as "M*A*S*H", and the story was CBS was facing the prospect of actually having to change the name of the prime-time show before a deal was reached.

Since that was about the time you and David were the head writers, is that true? Was the 1979-80 season ever close to being renamed something like "The A*L*A*N A*L*D*A Show"?

No. There was never any serious discussion of changing the name of MASH. I mean, seriously, what else could you call it? THE POTTER BARN? THOSE WACKY MEDICOS OF THE 4077? MEATBALL SURGERY? IF IT’S 1951 THIS MUST BE KOREA? (I’m sure you guys will chip in a few others.)

Before MASH went into syndication CBS aired reruns of the show Friday nights at midnight. This was 1977 or 78 as I recall. The following year it went into full syndication. MASH is rather unusual in that generally shows go into syndication and after the first three years their numbers go down (which is understandable. How many times can you watch the same episode of SILVER SPOONS?). But MASH’s numbers remained pretty steady. And CONTINUE to stay high, even after thirty years.

Of course, no show will EVER surpass the staying power of I LOVE LUCY. Can you imagine? Those episodes are sixty years old?  Do you think in 2071 people will be watching TWO AND A HALF MEN reruns and saying, “Can you believe Charlie Sheen is 106 years-old”?

But you’re right, John. In the ‘60s and ‘70s networks were concerned their primetime series would suffer competing with themselves in syndication so they often changed the names. The one that pops to mind is GUNSMOKE. In syndication it was called MARSHALL DILLON.  (Reminds me of that old '50s oldie -- they call me Speedo but my real name is Mr. Earl.)

And then there's YOU’LL NEVER GET RICH.  That became THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW and yet no one called it either.  For most of us, that show will always be SGT. BILKO.

MASH certainly proved that having a show run in syndication concurrent with its original run does not hurt first-run ratings. MASH’s primetime numbers were never higher than its last three seasons.

And an even better example is WINGS. After several years it went on the USA NETWORK. And they didn’t just play it five times a week; they played it five hundred times a week. It was a joke! USA played nothing but WINGS. The result: more people discovered the show and its primetime ratings shot up. Of course, in this case, it sort of helped that the show was terrific.


From bettyd:

Approximately how many staff will be out of work when a typical show stops production for this reason or because of cancellation? Of course Two and a half Men has a small cast, but I assume it is the same number of camera people, writers, etc for most 3 camera sit-coms.

Generally about two hundred people.  Think about that the next time you trash a hotel room, Charlie.

And finally, Anonymous (please leave a name) asks:

So when you write, do you write for yourself or do you write for an audience in middle America?

Both but myself first. And it’s not middle America, it’s whoever the intended audience is. Jokes that work on FRASIER might not have the same zing on HANNAH MONTANA.

But here’s the thing about “middle America” – everyone assumes they’re cornpones. On MASH we did all kinds of sophisticated jokes and literary references. Where were our best ratings? Those cornpones are a lot sharper than you think.

What’s your question? And again, congratulations to the Meijis.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 13

What a love fest on AMERICAN IDOL. According to these impartial judges – who have no vested interest in hyping the singers to stave off eroding ratings – this year’s Top 13 is the greatest collection of young talent ever assembled on one stage.  They're good (a lot of them) but yikes.  You'd think they poop silver dollars. 

Jennifer and Steven may have their charms but gone is the reality check that Simon provided. And constructive criticism. Last year Simon would really break down a contestant’s performance. Last night Steven gave James Durbin this piece of advice: “If there was a review to be said about you, you just sang it”.  Huh?  What?  Well, he’s the expert.

But not the only expert. A new feature this season is having record producer Jimmy Iovine and his minion of music gangsta/hipsters (I’m sorry. I meant his minion of legendary music gangsta/hipsters) work with the kids during rehearsal. I guess that means the contestants this season will be robbed of the wisdom of Miley Cyrus.

The show again is filled with product placement. The Coke logo is everywhere. They’re shameless. At least when I plug my hilarious new book, WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED, and tell people it’s gotten great reviews and is available in all ebook formats for just $2.99 (which is less than one measly gallon of gas) and is the funniest book the IDOL judges have ever read, I at least have the decency to devote a dedicated post to it. I don’t try to just slip it in. Available in paperback coming soon!  Order your ebooks here.

Anyway, the theme this week was songs by the potential-idols' idols. In other words, they could pick anything. So let’s get started. “Get ready to vote, America. This is AMERICAN BLOWJOB!”

First up was Lauren Alaina, vying to become this season’s Kellie Pickler. Her idol is Shania Twain. She sounded like every country singer in every Holiday Inn Express Lounge in the south. Judges: Stupendous. Created a whole new art form. She slayed it.


Casey Abrahms did “With a Little Help From My Friends”. The Joe Cocker version minus the signature Grand Mal seizure. I like Casey. He claimed he was introduced to the song from THE WONDER YEARS. Hey, I was introduced to THE BARBER OF SEVILLE from Bugs Bunny. Judges: Phenomenal! Over-the-moon. The ultimate musician meets the ultimate performer. He slayed it.


Ashton Jones, the Diana Ross impersonator, followed – flapping her arms, mimicking the moves and facial contortions of the Divine Ms. R.  Ashton was such a blatant copy of Diana Ross that I’m surprised she didn’t go the whole way and sleep with Lauren Alaina’s boyfriend. I thought Ashton sounded shrill and screechy and her hair looked like the result of sticking her finger in a light socket. Judges: Amazing! Incomparable! The finest R&B performance of all-time. She slayed it.


Paul McDonald was next. His idol was Ryan Adams, but judging from his jacket, I thought his idol was Ringo Starr as Mr. Conductor in SHINING TIME STATION. I had never heard of the song Paul sang. He’s a much better singer than we saw last night. Judges: Genius! Original! This man can cure lepers with his urine! He slayed it.


Pia Toscano saluted her idol, Celine Dion, by belting out “All By Myself”. Pia has an excellent voice and I appreciate that she didn’t just copy Celine Dion. She took the bold step of singing the song without fireworks going off and a volcano erupting. Judges: Greatest vocal performance since the dawn of time. Most beautiful woman to ever draw a breath. She slayed it.

Paul McCartney is James Durbin’s idol. He sang “Maybe I’m Amazed”. Judges: If Paul only had the talent James does. James Durbin is dangerous, America! He slayed it.


Haley Reinhart, in an attempt to make a Leann Rimes song her own, committed the cardinal sin of singing – she yodeled. Next to burning a flag on stage I can’t think of anything worse than yodeling. Judges: Crazy good! Through the stratosphere! She slayed it.

Jacob Lusk has a truly sensational voice but brings new meaning to the word overkill. Jacob is the gay version of Screaming Jay Hawkins. He sang R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” as if it were an aria, and he was joined by a full chorus. He did everything but come out of a coffin. Judges: Listening to Jacob sing is proof there is a God. The greatest singer that’s ever been. He slayed it.

Poor Thia Megia. She sang “Smile” and didn’t know that the song was written by Charlie Chaplin. In her little feature piece she makes reference to him as Charlie Chapman. Now I don’t blame Thia. She’s 8 for Crissakes! But why did IDOL have to air that sound byte? They purposely embarrassed her. To me that's inexcusable.  Her song started off great. She sang the first chorus almost a capella. But then, for reasons known only to her and her legendary music weasel, the tune suddenly became techno. Charlie Chaplin, Charlie Chapman, George Carlin – anyone now deceased was turning over in their grave. Judges: They only thought it was transcendent so a mixed review at best. But she did slay it.


Stefano Langone chose to turn Stevie Wonder’s heartbreaking ballad “Lately” into a disco song. Do they even listen to the words? Someone from Japan, singing phonetically, would know not to turn “Lately” into a disco song. Where were the legendary music beatniks? Judges: He redefined not only music but architecture. He slayed it.


Karen Rodriguez followed. By the way, what’s with the heavy black eye lashes on everyone this year? Is Adam Lambert doing their make up? Karen sang a Selena song. I thought she was okay, not great. Randy, Jennifer, and Steven agreed. Judges: She’s one of the strongest singers in the competition. She sings like an angel.  She slayed it. Based on those comments I think Karen is in big trouble.

Resident country boy Scotty McCreery, hopped on his one-trick pony and sang Garth Brooks’ “The River”. If Scotty wants to win this thing he’ll find a way to sing “Sixteen Tons” every week, even if the theme is Girl Group songs. Judges: He’s a star! A sensation! He slayed it. Steven Tyler quoted some non-sequitor song lyrics that ended with “Roy Rogers” somehow.

Finally, in the pimp spot, Naima Adedapo, who is just one fruit basket hat away from Carman Miranda, electrified the crowd by singing and dancing “the Umbrella”. She’s got a great voice, and if she didn’t scare the crap out of me, I’d probably like her the best. Judges: They couldn’t speak they were in such awe. She slayed it.

I think Karen, Paul, and Thia might be in trouble. One of them is probably going home – to some portion of America that I write about in my hilarious new book, on sale here. I don’t mean to brag, but I slayed it.