The dumbest game show... yet

Finally! A version of JEOPARDY for morons!! For years, cretins have surfed past JEOPARDY on their way to FEAR FACTOR repeats always wondering what the big deal was. It’s just some eggheads answering questions and it has to be fixed. No one in the world would actually know the answers to those questions. Like people remember the name of rivers and U.S. Presidents. Yeah, right. And that’s all the show is – answering questions. Where’s the excitement in that?!

I can imagine the focus group. Twenty Cro-Magnons in a room, playing with string, being asked what they’d like to see in a game show. A hot girl sitting under explosives being propelled straight up in the air while she screamed for dear life. Yeah!!! People plunging ten stories down into water. Another hot babe strapped to the wing of a WWI fighter plane zooming across the sky. Now this has potential!

But what about the questions? They must be intellectually challenging. “How much did William Shatner sell his kidney stone for?” Okay, that one might be a little too highbrow but it’s in the ballpark.

The prize: $50,000 for the winner, which if these people do the math is enough to buy a Lear jet.

Assuming that this focus group had evolved to where they had thumbs, by now all forty would be up. Feet would be clapping.  Drool would be pouring. 

Hence, 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW – a game show that mixes idiocy with low expectation greed and explosions. Throw in an incredibly annoying host who thinks he’s Adam Corolla and you have the recipe for summer fun, ABC style. Take that, Fox!

However, for anyone watching this schlockfest who has an IQ of 50 and a forehead, this is the dumbest new show on television.

JEOPARDY contestants have college degrees; one 101 WAYS contestant has a big tattoo on his arm of Lady Gaga, another wants to use the prize money to build a waterfall for his iguana, and a third plans to use her winnings to buy a backstage pass to a Justin Bieber concert. Shooting these nitwits out of cannons isn’t cruel. It’s what they deserve.


The truth is there’s no suspense. Obviously, none of these dolts are in any real danger. They’re doing nothing more than essentially going on Six Flags Magic Mountain thrill rides. Yes, they scream and maybe think they’re in danger, but they would think that on every attraction they ever ride. They’ve cheated death by surviving Dumbo.

And just to make sure that the questions aren’t too taxing, over the course of a one-hour show there are a grand total of ten of them. The toughest: Did McDonalds ever offer McLobster?


“I’ll take village idiots for 40, Alex.”

If you like complete train wrecks then 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW is for you. Train wreck, by the way, is probably way 22. I can only hope that the show will be off the air long before they get that far.

Levine & Isaacs -- you're fired!

It’s not uncommon for writers to get fired off of film projects. You turn in a draft, the phone stops ringing, and then you learn that someone else has been hired to rewrite you. Larry Gelbart, at a WGA membership meeting debating one of our many contracts, spoke to the crowd of about a thousand and said, “At one time everyone in this room will rewrite everyone else in this room”.  He's right. 

But how many writers have been fired even before they wrote a single word? Not many. The only two I can think of are me and my partner, David Isaacs.  What a dubious distinction!

It’s 1980. Director Randal Kleiser is hot based on an unlikely hit movie he megged (I love that bullshit Hollywood term) called BLUE LAGOON. A young nubile Brooke Shields (before becoming the toast of Broadway) and pretty boy, Christopher Atkins are trapped on a tropical island together. They frolic for two hours and this audiences wanted to see.

So Kleiser gets a big development deal at Columbia. He has an idea for a coming-of-age movie set in an amusement park. David and I are hired to write it. We do. He loves it. The studio loves it. Everybody loves it. No one makes it but everyone loves it.

While we are writing the screenplay, Kleiser is busy writing and preparing the next movie he was going to direct, SUMMER LOVERS. This classic starring nubile Darryl Hannah and pretty boy, Peter Gallagher, is about a gorgeous young couple who fall in love one idyllic summer in picturesque Greece. BLUE LAGOON with Lachanodolmades.

We turn in our screenplay to much praise and get a call from Randal. He’s going off to Greece in a week to begin principle photography of SUMMER LOVERS. But he’s getting a little nervous about the script. Would we be interested in doing a fast rewrite? Nothing major. No story or structure changes. Just round out the characters and maybe add a little humor and dimension. A messenger drops off copies of the script. We read it overnight, meet in the morning to discuss what we’d like to do, and then drive over to Burbank to confab (another favorite bullshit Hollywood word) with him in his office on the WB/Columbia lot.

The meeting goes swimingly. He loves our suggestions. He laughs at the jokes we propose. He couldn’t be more effusive and enthusiastic. What we pitch is just what the script needs he says. So he sends us off to write it, complete with his blessing and thanks.

We drive back over the hill to my condo on the Westside. Takes about a half hour. We walk in my place and immediately the phone rings. It’s our agent. No pleasantries. She starts out with, “Just what happened in that meeting?” I was sort of thrown by the question. “It went great. Why?” I asked. “Well, it couldn’t have gone that great,” she said, “Columbia just called. They fired you.”

"What?!"

"You're no longer on the project."

"Even if we were never on the project."

"Yep.  Your services are no longer needed."

"What services?  We never started service."

"You're fired!"

So that was that.  We never found out why. My guess is Randal didn’t like our suggestions but was just too much of a wimp (an expression I shall use in place of the one I really want to use but am taking the high road – although you know the word I mean) to tell us face-to-face. Randal went off to the make the movie. I never saw it. It bombed. I don’t think our rewrite would have made a damn bit of difference.

By the time he had returned, our amusement park project was dead. We learned later that Columbia had no intention of ever making it. They wanted another BLUE LAGOON, not a teen comedy out of Randal Kleiser. They were just indulging him.  We didn’t know it at the time but we were always just spinning our wheels (back in the days when studios still paid for the spinning).

There’s no real moral to this story. The only advice I could give writers so that this never happens to you is, I guess, don’t ever come home taking Laurel Canyon.

Where to go this summer vacation

The 4th of July weekend heralds the real beginning of the summer vacation season. Still don’t know where to go yet? Allow me to help while shamelessly pushing my book, WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED (only $2.99 in all ebook formats and $6.99 paperback. Order yours here!!!)

WTHAI?TISH (as most people refer to it) is a ten year collection of my humorous travelogues. Here are a few excerpts to help you decide where to go this summer.

DALLAS – (most people’s first choice for August travel) On every corner there’s either a steakhouse or a church. One place called “Holy Cow” could be either or both.

LAS VEGAS -- We hit the beach. Yes, Mandalay Bay has its own beach. Unfortunately, the ocean was turned off. No waves. But Debby (my wife) and I took a long walk along the grid that serves as the shore and gazed out at the horizon to see the Lance Burton Magician billboard on Las Vegas Avenue.

MAUI – Did not see the sunrise at Haleakala. But did get a report from someone who did. A bus picks you up 2:30 in the morning. You drive an hour and a half to the top of this massive shield volcano. By top I mean 10,023 feet. You get out in your shorts, flip flops, and aloha shirt -- it’s pitch black, and 22 degrees (literally). When the sun comes up (two hours later) it will rise to 37. Finally the dawn. It’s breathtaking, awesome, and your teeth are chattering like castanets. You don’t want to even think about the possibility that there’s a YouTube video of this. You get on the bus and either go home or into shock.

For more fun you can bike down the outside of the volcano… like a rocket on a two-lane winding road that hugs a cliff that’s steeper than those in Road Runner cartoons. Bikers must also negotiate tour buses, vans, and tourists in unfamiliar rental cars. In 2007 there were three biker fatalities. Bike tours (when they’re not suspended) are $100 - $150 dollars. Bring a parachute.

But we did visit quaint Lahaina. Strolled past the charming Crazy-T-Shirt and souvenir soap stores. This bawdy whaling port has not changed in a hundred years.

For all the hoopla of Lahaina, we found quite a few other smaller, lesser-known little towns that were far more charming and KFC-free. Paia, for one. It’s advertised as a throwback “hippie” village. And I must say it took me right back to the ‘60s when hippies supported their drug habits by selling gelato.

Makawao is another quaint attraction. Up country, it’s a little cowboy town, specializing in glass blowing – just like Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid used to do. I kept looking for the jail and saloon but alas they’ve given way to art galleries and a market that makes fresh donuts. But get there early. They go fast. There’s usually a shoot-out in the town square for the last cruller.

PHOENIX -- This is a sprawling city of giant shopping malls broken up by sports complexes. Oh, and numerous aircraft bone yards. From rusted out WWII planes to 747s that haven’t flown since Braniff went under, they’re all here. Was hoping to swing by and pick up an L1011 fuselage but time got away.

To get anywhere in Phoenix – to work, a restaurant, the rental car outpost from the airport – you just get on the freeway and go 13.2 miles. Everything is 13.2 miles away. Except Circle K’s. There are two on every corner. How much beef jerky can this town chew?


DENVER -- Denver is the most sexually active city in America. Contraceptive sales are 189% higher within the city limits than the national average (sales of female contraceptives are a whopping 278% higher). Coincidentally, Denver also has the world’s largest brewery (Coors).

Things not to miss: The Butterfly Pavilion insect zoo, the “Mind Eraser” rollercoaster at Elitch Gardens, the giant cement slide at Bear Valley Park that looks like a vagina, the Buckhorn Exchange restaurant with 500 stuffed animals (it’s how I imagine Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s bedroom), the stone marker that claims to be the birthplace of the cheeseburger, and any CVS pharmacy for contraceptives.

ST. LOUIS -- St. Loo is famous of course for the Anheuser-Busch brewery. Although, locals insist it’s not the same now that the Busch family has sold it to Germans. They claim the beer tastes different. I couldn’t tell, but I did notice the Clydesdales goose-stepping in a recent parade.


PHILADELPHIA -- Meant to get out to the Mutter Museum, founded originally to educate doctors of the 19th Century and current HMO’s. Big attractions include conjoined twins and a catalog of foreign objects removed from bodies. Bring the kids!

This is the birthplace of two major revolutions – the American and shopping. It is in nearby Westchester that QVC is located, which is why I thought I saw Marie Osmond at baggage claim waiting at the carousel for 42,000 dolls to come down the chute.


WASHINGTON D.C. -- So much to see: the monuments, Gennifer Flowers’ apartment, Capitol Hill, Paula Jones’ apartment, the White House, Monica Lewinsky’s apartment, the Smithsonian, the DC Madam’s place, the Mint, Elizabeth Ray’s apartment, Arlington Cemetery, Donna Rice’s apartment, and the Watergate hotel.

SAN FRANCISCO -- Fisherman's Wharf is filled with colorful street performers: mimes and jugglers, etc. Most unique was the “Shrub Guy.” He hides behind a shrub in camouflage and when unsuspecting tourists stroll by he leaps out scaring the shit out of them. Meanwhile, other people observe nearby, laugh, and give him money. On a grander scale this is how Liza Minnelli now makes her living.


BOSTON -- Swung by the Quincy Market. There we ran across the new second Cheers bar. This one, they claim, is set up exactly like the one on TV. Maybe if you've never seen the show. The bar is square and two or three of the pictures on the back wall are the same. Otherwise, the bar on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine looks more like the real Cheers.


MILWAUKEE – (on the road with the Dodgers) stayed at the historic Pfister. The Pfister is pfirst class. It’s an old regal downtown hotel that just happens to be haunted. Some ballplayers are so freaked they stay elsewhere, or sleep holding a bat for protection. Carlos Gomez of the Twins was getting out of the shower and his iPod suddenly went haywire, so instead of calling AppleCare (or Ghostbusters?), he raced out to the lobby without his pants. I shared a room with the Ghost of Christmas Future. He told me that “UFC Undisputed” will sell out quick this season so shop early.

One thing I’ve discovered about Milwaukee – it’s in a time warp. The buildings, the cars, the people – it’s 1956. Friday night’s postgame concert featured newcomers Buddy Holly and the Crickets. In an attempt to blend in I wore an “Adlai Stevenson for President” button.

FLORIDA – (business trip with my writing partner, David) If a studio was paying for this trip we would have stayed in Naples. But since it was our own dime, Bonita Beach was our Gateway to the Gulf home. In the ‘20s there was this cult, the Koreshans, who believed that Bonita Beach was the center of the world. It was a celibate tribe so unfortunately it no longer exists. (Darwin works!) There’s just a state park in their honor. And if I’m not mistaken, the Hampton Inn we were staying at is at the center of Bonita Beach, and room 229, just to our left, is the absolute DEAD center of the world.

No wonder the Holiday Inn across the street is proud. Their marquee proclaims “Number one guest rated shower heads.”

Favorite store name (maybe ever): “Master Bait & Tackle Shop” on Bonita Beach Road. Yes, I purchased t-shirts.

See? How can you leave home without this book?

One of my writing pet peeves

I saw MIDNIGHT IN PARIS recently, which I liked but didn’t love (even if all the critics tell me I'm supposed to love it). There were some nice moments in it, I enjoyed the fantasy aspects but ultimately thought it would have made a better Woody Allen short story. (If you’re not familiar with his collection of short stories, treat yourself. They’re hilarious and wildly imaginative. Get Without Feathers or Getting Even.) But I digress as usual…

One aspect of MIDNIGHT IN PARIS really bothered me -- all the wasted dialogue. Woody Allen isn't the only culprit, I see it in other movies and shows too. And it's just a personal pet peeve. But if you’re a young writer-hopeful (I like that term so much better than wannabe. Wannabe sounds like an Indian Guides troop.), you might want to give this rant some consideration.

You only have a certain amount of time to tell a story. Every word needs to count. In MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (warning: scene spoiler alert but it won't effect your enjoyment of the movie), there's a potentially funny sequence when Owen Wilson (picture Woody Allen but young and Gentile) is trapped in a hotel room with earrings he took from his fiancé (for a reason I won't divulge). On FRASIER we would do this type of scene every other week. And it would be packed with funny lines, whopper lies, great reactions. I'm sure Neil Simon, if given the same comic premise, would do the same.

But not here. Here the scene is filled with,

"My earrings are gone!"

"Really? You sure?"

"Yes!"

"Did you check everywhere?"

"Yes. They're missing."

"Really?" Did you even bring them?"

"Yes I brought them."

"I don't know that you did".

"I did."

“I don’t remember seeing them.”

“I brought them. I saw them this morning.”

“You did?”

“Yes.”

You get the point.

Sorry but to me that's just lazy writing. You may say, "well, that's the way people talk.". And I would say absolutely -- but it's not interesting. It's sure not funny and this is a block comedy scene. As a writer it's your job to do better. Anyone can write the exchange I presented above. Your job is to make it funnier or more compelling or more thought-provoking or…more whatever.

Can people stammer? Sure. Do they talk ungrammatically? Every sentence. They also hedge and hem and haw and talk in circles. And you can use those qualities and still be engrossing. I refer you to any David Mamet play. Naturalistic dialogue doesn't have to be boring. But it takes skill to make it sing. At least attempt to do that.

Some would say that promotes dialogue that is too stylized. And often times they're right. Just as bad as boring conversation is the "no human being would ever say that" charge. But I'd rather err on the side of style, on the side of trying too hard rather than not enough.

I can hear some of you now. What about Aaron Sorkin? He uses a lot of short sentences and characters repeating other characters’ lines. What about him? I know. I’ve even spoofed him myself. But there is a definite flow to Sorkin’s dialogue. There’s a rhythm. Everything is carefully designed. It’s not just idle chit-chat, it’s lyrics.

I'll stop just short of saying you're making art because that always sounds incredibly pretentious so I'll just say you’re making diversions worthy of our time and even our money. Make every word count.

Maybe Woody should have traveled back to Paris in the 1920s – and spent more time with Hemingway.

Vacation Tip: Where to find writers

I read articles all the time about where tourists visiting Los Angeles can see stars. There are also maps to the stars homes (although Jack Benny and Lucille Ball have moved to more permanent residences. ). But what about all those millions of visitors who come to Tinsel Town just to catch a glimpse at writers? There’s yet to be an article about that….

Until now.

So for those of you scribe groupies hoping to see an actual TV or screenwriter this summer vacation, here are some places to go:

NATE N’ AL’S – This perennial Beverly Hills delicatessen is officially Broadway Danny Rose west. Here is where old comedy writers go to die of heart failure. Usually in tables of five or more, piled high with pastrami sandwiches (“I’m hungry now that I’ve quit smoking!”) the old sitcom guard holds court, trading stories of the good old days when Elizabeth Montgomery was a doll to work with but that Cosby kid was a handful. (“Two comedy albums and suddenly he knows funny!”) Morning meetings between writers and agents, managers, or producers start about 9. The ones that are over by 10 are working writers, the ones that go on til 11 are not.

THE AMC THEATRES, CENTURY CITY – weekday matinees only. Usually in pairs. Listen for the keywords: “Who greenlit this shit?”

THE FARMERS’ MARKET FOOD COURT – weekday mornings, early. They have coffee, read the trades, bitch about their fantasy baseball teams, and get the hell out before all the tour busses arrive.

Every STARBUCKS and COFFEE BEAN on Ventura Blvd between Vineland and White Oak. They’re easy to spot, sitting in front of computers, nursing one $3.00 ice blended for eight hours.

ART’S DELICATESSEN – Studio City. The San Fernando Valley equivalent of Nate N’ Al’s. Close to CBS Radford with oversized artery clogging triple deck sandwiches that include pastrami AND chopped liver. The one-time popular haunt of all the MTM writers so it’s kind of a shrine.

CEDARS SINAI HOSPITAL – West Hollywood. Home for all reunions of GRACE UNDER FIRE, CYBILL, and ROSEANNE writers.

THE SMOKE HOUSE – Burbank. Across the street from Warner Brothers studio. The bar area. Leave it to writers to think a good place to pick up chicks is at an old style red booth restaurant that’s been around since John Barrymore used to pass out there. Historic note: Captain & Tennille were discovered playing the Smoke House lounge – thus adding even more to the hip factor.

THE AROMA CAFÉ – Cute little coffee house with cute outdoor patio. On Tujunga Blvd in the valley mere steps from where Robert Blake had the love of his life whacked.

RESIDUALS – A bar in the valley that used to let writers pay for drinks with residual checks that were under a dollar. They eventually had to stop that practice because they were getting too many. I myself have received a check from THE SIMPSONS for one cent. And I’m sure it cost $5.00 to process and mail the check.

THE BRENTWOOD COUNTRY MART – Westside smaller version of the Farmers’ Market Food Court. Writers and news anchors hang out here. You’ll have no trouble telling which is which.

THE OAKWOOD GARDEN APARTMENTS -- Burbank. See recently divorced writers.

Any coffee shop above Hollywood on Franklin – Lots of guys trying to write the next PULP FICTION. Or MIKE & MOLLY.

Happy hunting. One rule though: no handing out spec scripts! Let me repeat that:

NO HANDING OUT SCRIPTS!

Either working writers will be pissed or non-working writers will give you theirs.

Katey Sagal's first job

In 1985, my partner, David and I created a comeback show for Mary Tyler Moore called (oddly enough) MARY.  We were extremely fortunate to have a great casting director in Molly Lopata.   All summer we spent auditioning actors for the series.  Most you've heard of.  Some even big names.

One day Molly brought in a newcomer to read for the role of Jo Tucker, Mary's acerbic workmate.  We loved her.  She was funny, real, and so fresh.  A definite call-back.

Eventually we had to go to CBS to get cast approval.  They asked to see two candidates for each role.  For the part of Jo we brought in Kathy Bates and this newcomer.  Both were wonderful.  CBS was thrilled with either pick.   We decided to go with the newbie.  There was just something very special about Katey Sagal.



Here is a sample of her work on MARY.  I don't know who put this together but many thanks.   It not not only shows her comedic side but her singing ability too.

Will there ever be another CHEERS or FRASIER?

More Friday Questions answered here. Keep ‘em coming and thanks!

An Anonymous reader (please leave a name in the future) gets us started:

I have a two-part question:

1) Are you considering, or would you consider in the future creating and writing a new sitcom? Or are those days over?

If David and I came up with some idea that we felt really passionate about we would definitely consider creating another sitcom. But the conditions would have to be right. And we’d have to have a lot of freedom to really do the show our way.

At the moment we don’t have a dynamite idea.

2) Do you think that we will see in the foreseeable future another sitcom that is as smart and funny as 'Cheers' and 'Frasier' are? Or are sitcoms on the whole just unfashionable these days?

Sure we will see the next CHEERS and FRASIER. These things are cyclical. The next smart, sophisticated comedy may not be your standard multi-camera sitcom (although it could be), but in some form and with a fresh voice there indeed will be comedies that rival CHEERS and FRASIER. Hurry! Cause I want to see one.


Mike from Belfast wonders:

Occasionally you mention Robin Schiff, co-creator of Almost Perfect. Given that you already had a successful partnership with David Isaacs, how did this relationship come about? Was it difficult to work out the new dynamic? Have you worked with Robin since?

We met Robin several years before ALMOST PERFECT. She had a pilot and we came in one night to help punch it up. The three of us really worked well that night. David and I usually dictate scripts to an assistant so having another person in the mix did not really upset our routine.

From there we all became friends. A few years later we had a deal to develop shows for Paramount and Robin also had a deal there. She came to us with the notion of wanting to do a series about a very independent single woman in her ‘30s. We sparked to the idea and the three of us decided to collaborate on the project. It was a very productive and happy partnership.

I have worked with Robin following the completion of ALMOST PERFECT. She and I wrote a spec romantic comedy screenplay together called BETWEEN THE COVERS in the early 00’s that we sold to MGM. It languishes in "development hell". 

In any combination, the three of us are always looking for the right project to collaborate again on. We love Robin.

Gary asks:

My Friday question is: Have you ever written a script just for one great line? It sure seems that my wife and I have seen this phenomenon on the boob tube.

Yes. An episode of CHEERS called “Breaking Out Is Hard to Do”. I wrote a whole post on it, which you can access here.

And finally, here’s another Mike -- Mike Schryver. I don’t know where he’s from but I’m guessing the Pacific Northwest. He has a baseball-related question.

I'm glad that neither you nor Rick (Rizzs) is particularly homer-ish as an announcer, Ken. What are you able to tell us about homer announcers, and how much of their act is their own, or is insisted upon by the team?

Some markets welcome announcers that openly root for their teams. The most extreme example of that these days would have to Ken Harrelson, the TV announcer for the Chicago White Sox. If you’re not a die-hard Sox fan you will HATE this guy. The White Sox are “the good guys”, he screams “Yes!!!” when they get a hit. He’s quite colorful but boy you better be a Palehose fan.

Phil Rizzuto of the Yankees was also very partial, as was Harry Caray of the Cubs and Cardinals, and Bob Prince of the Pirates. It’s a style and in some markets it’s what the fans want.

To my knowledge no team insists their announcers be shameless homers but some are supportive of it.  

In other markets, more objectivity is desired. Los Angeles for one. In LA we all grew up listening to Vin Scully, who taught us to appreciate “the game” not just your team. I think that’s more the preferred style today.

Still, there’s a way of being objective while still conveying that you’re rooting for your team. My partner, Rick, in particular, does an excellent job of giving a fair and balanced description of what’s going on while still letting you know his heart belongs to the Mariners. And for those of us who broadcast in Seattle, we were weaned on that by the great Dave Niehaus.

I prefer the objective style personally. Just like not everyone who comes to your stadium is rooting for your team, same with the broadcast. If I’m calling a Mariners-Rangers game I want Texas fans to enjoy listening, too. Likewise, Mariners fans who tune in to Eric Nadel’s broadcast (for the Rangers) will find it a great listen.

More random blogservations...

 Warning:  I'm in a generally snarky mood. 

Kim Kardashian’s ex, Reggie Bush, is now dating a Kim Kardashian impersonator.  They say it's what's on the inside that counts, which is why I think this is such a smart move. 

Emmy ballots are due tomorrow. And I’m still not finished watching all of the “For Your Consideration” DVD’s I’ve been sent.  Yes, these people spent a lot of money on package and postage but they all have a real legitimate shot.  So today I plan to watch GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS, AMERICAN CHOPPER: SENIOR VS. JUNIOR, MIKE & MOLLY, JOAN & MELISSA: MELISSA KNOWS BEST, HAWTHORNE, OUTSOURCED, and LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY. It’s going to be tough because I can see each one of these winning.

The Barefoot Bandit made a plea deal with federal prosecutors this week. He was arrested last year for allegedly committing dozens of crimes in nine states including the theft of a $450,000 yacht and several airplanes. Talk about optimism – his mom does not think her son will spend much time in prison. Oh really? Felonies in nine states? She also said he plans to enroll in aviation school after his release. He better sign up now.  Those pilot classes for 2067 are filling up fast.  By the way, there is a movie in pre-production about his life.  I wish I was kidding. 

Woody Allen says his latest film, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is a love letter to Paris. That’s wonderful. But how about making a love letter to the audience?   That said, with some judicious editing, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS would make a smashing short. 

As someone who grew up loving the Dodgers, I look at the sorry state of the franchise now with this McCourt mess and liken it to that girl you always loved in high school.  You see her at the twenty year reunion and go, “AAAAGH!!” You wonder, what could have possibly happened and then she says, “Have you met my husband, Charlie Sheen?”

In Ogden, Utah, Jason Valdez recently held a woman hostage at a motel in a tense 16-hour, overnight standoff with SWAT teams. All the while, he found time to keep updating his status on Facebook. Meanwhile, a friend posted that a SWAT officer was hiding in the bushes. "Thank you homie," Valdez replied. "Good looking out." I am unfriending this person.

More wacky crimes: Christian Hernandez, an El Monte, California idiot was arrested in 2009 for molestation and possession of child pornography and has been sentenced to 30 years in the slammer. (I wonder what his mom says.) Here’s the good part: He was arrested in 2009 after admitting to viewing child pornography on an employment questionnaire for the California Highway Patrol.

And then there’s the woman in Minnesota who was arrested for stealing a full mink coat and hiding it in her underwear. Okay, I leave that punchline to you. 

Saw the trailer for MONEYBALL.  It's weird to see Brad Pitt playing someone I know (Oakland A's GM, Billy Beane).  Makes me wonder what actor would play me in a movie.   I'm thinking either Jon Hamm or Maya Rudolph. 

TV Academy members:  Vote for Margo Martindale.

Which judge would you vote off THE VOICE if you could?

Let’s see if Kim Kardashian starts dating one of the many Lamar Odom impersonators.

My next time in the Mariners’ booth is July 7 when the M’s are in Anaheim to take on the Rally Monkeys. Thanks to those of you who asked. 

Jane Wiseman has left NBC comedy development and joined Peter Chernin’s company as the SVP of comedy development. I really like Jane. She’s one of the good ones and I wish her well. And I say that without a single idea to pitch her.

Note to advertisers: I will NEVER EVER EVER buy any product you try to sell me by filling my screen with an unwanted ad when I load a page. If you make me click a little X I hate you. No, let me rephrase that: I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! Now seriously, is that what you want?

51 year-old actor Doug Hutchinson (who appeared in LOST) just married a 16-year-old girl.  He got an congratulatory email from Hef who also wondered if she had a little sister.

I gotta hand it to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. They do a whole cover piece and big article on Ryan Reynolds then give GREEN LANTERN a C+.

Aaron Sorkin quit Facebook. Oh, like he has better things to do than delete the endless spam that now shows up on everyone's home page, and poke people. 


Michael Bay (who Megan Fox likened to Hitler, although I think he’s more of a Hitler impersonator) is demanding major theatre chains show his new TRANSORMERS 3D explosionfest in a way that burns out projector bulbs more quickly. Yeah, that’s the problem with his movie – it’s not bright enough. Next he’s going to demand that theatergoers stop wearing those damn sunglasses!

According to the Amazon page, customers who bought my book (if you haven’t already please do – it’s just $2.99… or the price of a box seat to a Dodger game) also bought Do Tampons Take Your Virginity?, The Sex Lives of Cannibals, Dating My Vibrator, Big White Panties, Diary of a Mad Fat Girl, Swahili For the Broken-Hearted, and The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee.

Merel Mtouch multitouch table hands-on

Multitouch tables haven't exactly hit the mainstream, but price is likely to be a major factor. Merel's Mtouch table brings that familiar Microsoft Surface-like multitouch functionality for a fraction of the price, retailing for $3,995, or about half as much as Surface. The 720p, 32-inch display doesn't sacrifice on power -- a 3.2Ghz quad-core Intel Quad i5 Sandy Bridge processor and dedicated Radeon HD 1GB video card keep the Windows 7-based interface running smoothly -- but the table's display suffers from some uniformity issues, likely due to the pair of super-bright LEDs used to light it.

We spent a few minutes with the Mtouch at the CEA LineShows in NYC, and liked what we saw -- once we got past the lighting issues, which appear slightly exaggerated in the photo above (notice the two bright spots near our subject's fingers). Content is loaded using a web interface, and the table is compatible with a variety of formats, including PDFs, which are displayed as "magazines" with easy-flip pages. The table is in the early stages of production -- just 30 have been made and sold so far, assembled completely at Merel's factory in Yonkers, NY. They are available for purchase now, however, and should be shipped to your door within 30-days of placing an order. Jump past the break as we go hands-on with the Merel Mtouch.

Sony's A77 and A65 spied in leaked image, announcement to follow?

First shown nearly a year ago, what appears to be a leaked official photo might finally mean the forever teased A77 is finally on the horizon. If you'll recall, the high-end Alpha was sporting a svelte see-through body, and the only tidbits the Japanese firm would confirm were the 2011 ship date and that all forthcoming Alpha's would have translucent mirrors -- you know, the spiffy kind that enables DSLRs to focus while shooting video. Opportunely, the above pictured image also came with a bevy of specs, which we'll have to assume apply to the pricier A77: a 24 megapixel sensor, 11 point AF, 10 frame per second burst and an ISO of 102,400. Also on the docket is USB 3.0, and a ship date of October. Whether or not the August announcement pans out remains to be seen, but you'll certainly know when we do.

Samsung reveals 'premium accessory suite' for Galaxy Tab 10.1, includes premium prices

Loving your Galaxy Tab 10.1 but just itching for some accessories? Samsung knows you are, and today helpfully unveiled a "premium accessory suite" to soothe your jones for both add-ons and premium prices. The collection (parts of which appeared earlier on Sammy's German site) includes a full-size keyboard dock ($70) and a multimedia dock ($35) enabling HDMI pass-through – you can have Tab video on your TV, as long as you buy the separate HDTV adapter ($30). You have your choice of cases, as well: a book cover model ($60) you can leave on while using the tablet, or a leather pouch edition ($30) that is, you guessed it, a leather pouch. A few miscellaneous items round out the collection, including various chargers, a conductive stylus and the already-released USB adapter. The company also promises a Bluetooth keyboard and SD card adapter to come "mid-summer," just in time to ease your next bout of premium-accessory fever.

Archos unveils bare-bones Arnova 7 Android tablet, priced at $99

We caught a brief glimpse of Archos' new Arnova 7 tablet when it hit the FCC last week and now, we have a few more details on the company's affordable Android-based slate. Though there's no information on its RAM or processing capacity, the latest addition to the Arnova clan boasts a seven-inch, resistive touchscreen LCD with 800x480 resolution, supports 720p HD playback, and offers 4GB of flash memory. Running on Froyo, this WiFi-enabled slab will give you access to the AppsLib store, rather than the Android Market, and won't come with any of the front- or rear-facing cameras you'd expect from higher-end products. But, then again, it's pretty hard to argue with any tablet priced at just $99. No word yet on when the Arnova 7 will start shipping, but we'll let you know as soon as we find out.

Before I wrote Bar War practical joke wars for Cheers I targeted radio stations

Back in the days when one company didn’t own ten stations in the same market there was such a thing as “competition”. Especially in the ‘60s and ‘70s there were usually two rock stations going head-to-head in every town. This could lead to radio wars. Stations would try to sabotage each others contests and promotions. It was all in good fun.

Best of all was if you could somehow get on the air on the competing station and embarrass them live.

You didn’t have to be employees of the competing station to participate. You could be a diabolical listener just out for a few laughs.

I have been known to be one such diabolical listener (little wonder I became co-writer of all the CHEERS practical joke Bar Wars episodes).  

The irony is that I have since become good friends with the disc jockey I punked – Charlie Van Dyke.

But in 1973 I had some issues. Not with him.  Charlie's a great guy.  But I had problems with the station at the time.

Charlie was the morning man on KHJ, Los Angeles. Once a great radio station, the guiding forces had recently been replaced by a martinet program director, Paul Drew, who sapped all the imagination and creativity out of the station.

They were running an on-air contest called Columbo, based on the popular TV character of the time. Charlie announced it was time to play the game and he would take the tenth call. I phoned in and what do you know, I was caller number ten. Using a pseudonym, I played the game. Here’s the result, recorded right off the air.


Muzicons.com


Oooh, was Charlie pissed when he got back on the phone. Can't blame him. But I was right.

T-Mobile myTouch 4G Slide spotted in the clear, sans case

We've already seen it turn up in a few blurry shots, and seen it pictured a bit more clearly inside a case, but we now finally have our first good, unobstructed look at T-Mobile's still unannounced myTouch 4G Slide. What's more, the tipster that provided the shots to TmoNews also offered up a few quick impressions, saying that the keyboard was "amazing" and roughly comparable to the T-Mobile G2, and that the phone itself is "surprisingly fast" but a bit heavier than the G2. Hit up the source link below for a closer look.

Samsung NC215S solar netbook will see the light of day in Russia

Anyone who's ever attempted to use a laptop on a sunny summer day can surely tell you that direct sunlight is not your friend -- that's why we like to ride out the season in our dark basement apartments. If only there were a way to harness the sun's rays for good, instead of evil -- like powering your PC while you're off doing whatever it is that normal people do when it's sunny outside. First introduced for the African market, Samsung's NC215S will be hitting Russia in early August for 13,999 rubles ($479). The netbook sports a lid almost entirely monopolized by a solar panel, which contributes to an overall estimated battery life of 14.5 hours. The NC215S packs a 1.6GHz N570 Intel Atom dual-core processor, 250GB of storage, and 1GB of RAM into a 2.9 pound frame. It's almost enough to make us want to venture out into the sunlight. Almost.

Update: The folks at Liliputing have been told the NC215S is heading stateside on July 3rd, with a suggested retail price of $399, so it looks like you'll need to stay planted in your patience for just a few days more.

Toshiba's Regza AT300 tablet for the Japanese market delayed until late July, will ship with Android 3.1

To any of our Japanese readers who've been impatiently awaiting Toshiba's Regza AT300 tablet, you're going to have to hold your breath a touch longer. The 10.1-inch, Japan-only slate is going to miss its expected June arrival, and ship in late July instead. That extra tedious trip to market could be worth it, though: when the AT300 finally does land in Akihabara, it'll come with Android 3.1 and all of its resizable widgets on board. But don't expect any surprises, hardware-wise: it'll still pack Tegra 2, a 5 megapixel rear-facing camera, and those full-sized HDMI and USB ports that can make a nerd's heart sing. Makes sense to us, since the Thrive -- the same tablet for the US market -- was already slated to ship with the latest version of Honeycomb. Fair's fair, right?

Toshiba's quad-core Satellite L750D goes on sale for $699 as one of the first available Llano laptops

When AMD came clean with its Fusion A-Series platform, the outfit was quick to admit that some manufacturers have already started slipping these hybrid CPU / GPU chips into their spankin' new PCs. Still, at this early stage we still haven't spotted many of 'em -- if anything, we have a better idea what's on tap for later this summer. But here we have the Toshiba Satellite L750D-ST4N01, the first available Llano-packing notebook we've seen since the A-Series' launch. At $699, this 15.6-incher might seem like a forgettable system with its 4GB of RAM, 640GB 5400RPM hard drive, 1366 x 768 panel, and three USB 2.0 ports. Heck, Toshiba barely even gave the L series lip service when it announced a slew of laptops last week. But, what makes this seemingly ho-hum machine special is that it packs AMD's mid-range quad-core A6-3400M chip and an AMD Radeon HD 6520G graphics core -- a combination that adds just $10 to the cost over a similarly configured Satellite L755-S5258 with a dual-core Core i5-2410M processor and integrated Intel graphics. The L750D isn't for you? The deluge of A-Series systems hasn't even begun yet, friends. And while the jury's still out on real-world battery performance, this should make it crystal clear that if nothing else, AMD is taking no prisoners when it comes to pricing.

Canon takes a cue from Pentax, starts selling the T3 in assorted colors

Well, looky here, Canon just let its hair down. The company was clearly in an experimental mood, and got the harebrained idea that consumers just might snap up red and brown DSLRs the way they do its candy-colored point-and-shoots. The outfit's now selling its beginner-friendly EOS Rebel T3 in red, brown, and metallic gray -- all in addition to your garden-variety black, of course. Sure, that's tame by Pentax's wacky standards, but for Canon it's pretty... outlandish. Since the camera went on sale this spring, its price has dropped from $599 to a promotional $549 for the kit, which includes an EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 zoom II lens. As for the body, if you'll recall, it has a 12.2 megapixel sensor that records 720p video (a rarity for an entry-level model), a nine-point autofocus system, ISO 100 to 6,400, and a 63-zone dual-metering system. Novices who just want to be different can, as always, hit up the source link for more info.

Japan speeding ahead with 500km/h Maglev train

Traveling the 515 km (320 miles) from Tokyo to Osaka by Shinkansen bullet train currently requires 2 hours and 25 minutes (and costs a small fortune, too). Come 2045, travel between Japan's two largest metro areas will take just over one hour, following the launch of the country's longest maglev track, which just received construction approval from Tokyo. The nine trillion yen project (approximately $112 billion) was first proposed in the 1970s, but was tabled indefinitely due to its astronomical costs, most of which stem from an extensive network of tunnels that will represent 60 percent of the route. You'll be able to get your Japanese Maglev fix beginning in 2027, when the Central Japan Railway launches its high-speed route between Tokyo and Nagoya. One notable neighbor to the west is already operating its own maglev train. China's Shanghai Transrapid has been blasting riders to Pudong airport since 2004, and once achieved a top speed of 501km/h (311 mph). The country is also constructing a 1000km/h vacuum-based train that it plans to launch within the next few years.

Nokia's N9 official: a luscious slab of MeeGo coming later this year

Stephen Elop said that Nokia would unveil its first MeeGo device this year, and he just made good on his word with the N9 (also known as Lankku). Just as we spotted earlier, the N9 is a solid slab of 3.9-inch AMOLED screen (854 x 480) sans a keyboard or physical switches of any kind (well, aside from that oh-so-necessary volume rocker and camera button). The phone comes with 16GB or 64GB of onboard memory and 1GB of RAM wrapped in a polycarbonate shell that's colored all the way through, so dings and scratches won't show -- unless the wounds run deep, of course. An OMAP3630 1 Ghz processor does the computing while a PowerVR SGX530 GPU is around for graphical grunt work. Connectivity comes courtesy of quad-band GSM and penta-band WCDMA radios, plus Bluetooth 2.1, NFC, and GPS. There is also a dedicated camera button for the 8 megapixel wide-angle shooter, which is capable of aperture F2.2 for low light picture taking and true 16:9 720p video recording. Oh, and it's an AF shooter, not EDoF.

The entire thing measures 116.45- x 61.2- x 7.6-12.1mm and weighs 135 grams, with a battery capable of lasting up to 50 hours (music), 4.5 hours (720p video), or between seven and 11 hours (GSM yappin'). You'll also get gratis turn-by-turn drive and walk navigation with voice guidance in Maps, a dedicated Drive app, proximity sensor and a choice of hue: black, cyan, and magenta. Other hardware specs include 802.11a/b/g/n WiFi, an ambient light sensor, compass, orientation sensor, a micro SIM slot, tethering support and a 3.5mm "AV connector." It'll be humming along on MeeGo 1.2 Harmattan, with apps being compliant with Qt 4.7 and HTML5 support bundled in.

As for software? Aside from Angry Birds Magic, Galaxy on Fire 2, Real Golf 2011 and OpenGL ES 2.0, those who take the plunge will be greeted with a Webkit2-based browser, pinch-to-zoom support, unified notifications for Facebook, Twitter and RSS feeds in the Events view as well as social networking profiles and status updates merged into phone contacts. MeeGo touts a user interface simplified to three home views -- events, applications and open apps -- with a swipe gesture able to take you back to the home view. For those looking to expand upon what's loaded from the factory, Ovi Store access is included, but we've no idea what kind of pricing will be affixed. We'll be getting a fair bit of hands-on time with this guy in just a few hours, so keep it locked here for our first impressions!

Eizo industrial monitor does 4K resolution at 36-inches, start saving now

Looking for a display that can do justice to all that 4K footage you've been shooting on your Red One or Arri Alexa lately? Okay, perhaps not. But if you were, then the DuraVision FDH3601 from Eizo Nanao could handle it easily with 4096 x 2160 pixels spread over 36.4-inches of LED-backlit real estate. It comes with another big number too: a price tag of ¥2.88 million ($36,000), which gently hints at the fact that this beast is primarily aimed at specialist industrial applications. Eizo claims it's perfect for air traffic control, where staff can make full use of specs like "Digital Uniformity Correction" circuitry to compensate for uneven color or brightness, motion sensors to power the monitor on or off as needed, and a stand that can be minutely adjusted to get the perfect angle. Suddenly, despite the heavy burden of responsibility and the fact that you have to keep your phone switched off all the time, that career choice seems almost worth it.

Toshiba's 21.5-inch DX1215 all-in-one can accommodate even the largest fingers

Clearly sick and tired of watching all of the fun other companies have been having with their all-in-ones, Toshiba this week announced the DX1215, the company's first entry in the space for the US market. The 21.5-inch touchscreen desktop has two USB 3.0 ports (and four of the boring old 2.0 variety), an HDMI port, 1TB of storage, and built-in Onkyo speakers. The system ships with a wireless mouse and keyboard, and will be hitting Best Buy's stores and website exclusively on July 3rd, starting at $930 -- just in time for your Independence Day ketchup-covered fingerprints.

Leica M9-P looks like it costs a fortune, doesn't disappoint

Leica's new M9-P digital rangefinder taps the till at $7,995 -- the same price the original M9 commanded when it was released in 2009 -- but you don't stay in the business of making pricey cameras for nearly a century without doing something right. The new version adds a virtually unbreakable sapphire crystal covering on the LCD, produced using diamond cutting tools, and an anti-reflective coating. The body includes a vulcanite leatherette body finish, for a more secure grip, but curiously lacks the familiar red Leica logo and M9 lettering on the front, in line with the camera's elegant "minimalist styling." Beyond that, the P includes the same full-frame 18 megapixel sensor featured on the M9, an "almost silent" shutter, and is compatible with Leica's full range of astronomically expensive M lenses. The M9-P will be available in black or chrome for $7,995 beginning next month, or $15,990 for two -- since we know you're planning to buy both.

Super 8

I know this seems like movie week but what can I tell ya? I’ve seen a lot of movies recently.

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t see any Spielberg movie before seeing this one.

SUPER 8 is not so much a film as an exercise. This is J.J. Abrams (cough) homage to Steven Spielberg movies before he was obsessed with winning Oscars. As such, Abrams does a smashing job. The action sequences are well-filmed, the production values are all top notch, and he’s managed to include every single Spielberg touch. Young teenage heroes, bicycles, the suburbs, aliens, mysterious military personnel – the girl (Elle Fanning, Dakota’s more talented sister) even looks like the young Drew Barrymore.

But what’s missing is any originality. There are no new ideas, just variations of plots and themes. Of course the characters work through their emotional issues and all grow as a result of monsters wrecking their homes and scaring their pets. They gain a greater understanding of each other and humanity. No spoiler alert necessary here – you KNOW you’re going to see that from the second the Amblin logo appears on the screen. The only question is – how treacly? (In this case, a little more than necessary, although I'm sure in studio screenings the executives all had olives in their throats by the ninth big hug.)

All that said, I know the movie a big commercial hit, a major summer “tentpole” blockbuster so any review is meaningless, even one by a niche blogger. And I’m sure I’m not in this film’s target audience, so again, who cares what I say? But I think J.J. Abrams is an extraordinary talent and has the potential to create spectacular motion pictures. My guess is, once he finds his own voice and makes movies that personally resonate with him, not just franchises (MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, STAR TREK) or examples of films that influenced him growing up, he’s going to look back at SUPER 8 and see it as just a stepping-stone to much better fully-realized work.  

I look forward to seeing those movies. I await the day I can be in awe of the imagination, craft, scope, and emotional depth that J.J. will provide. I’ll also curse the bastard for having so much more talent than me. But even that will be enjoyable.

One final note: My daughter Annie points out that probably 95% of the desired demographic for this movie will have no idea what Super 8 means. There once was a thing called Super 8 mm film. Just like there once was an E.T. before ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT.

My review of BRIDESMAIDS

BRIDESMAIDS is a chick flick for guys. It’s also the funniest comedy I’ve seen this year.

What a refreshing change from the usual studio comic fare we’ve been fed lately – slothy immature dudes and the hot brain dead babes that inexplicably fall in love with them.

Many have claimed that BRIDESMAIDS is just the woman’s version of THE HANGOVER. I’d agree to some extent but not completely. For all its raunchiness (and BRIDESMAIDS has no shortage of it – although I thought Maya Rudolph taking a shit in the street was handled as artfully as that delightful moment could), at the heart of this movie is a story about real women and the real problems they face. THE HANGOVER was just a romp. BRIDESMAIDS has defecation and depth!

The issues that guys are wrestling with in Hollywood rom coms these days are “will I get laid?”, “will I get my man cave?”, and the universal: “why am I waking up in urine?” The women in BRIDESMAIDS are dealing with aging, competition (among themselves and in the marketplace), self-esteem, relationships, status, and FAA regulations.

Written by Kristen Wiig & Annie Mumolo and directed by Paul Feig, the movie dares to underplay the comedy, get laughs out of genuine character reactions, and not be afraid to stop along the way for a sincere moment or two of emotion. Because of that, when there are big crazy block comedy scenes they land and really stand out. Kristen Wiig, wigging out at a party had me rolling in the aisle (even though I was sitting in the middle).

Kristen Wiig is SNL’s next Tina Fey.

And Melissa McCarthy is the next Zach Galifianakis. She completely steals this movie. Who knew she was that hilarious? I certainly didn’t based on watching her on MIKE & MOLLY. What a difference playing a real character with a real attitude and not just firing off a steady barrage of standard sitcom one-liners.

Standout performances: Jon Hamm is a wonderful asshole. (Wouldn’t you love to see that quote on a movie ad? “Jon Hamm is a wonderful asshole” – Ken Levine, N.Y. Times.) Rose Bryne manages to wring sympathy and laughs out of the thankless mean girl/rival role. And I couldn’t help feeling a pang of sadness every time the late Jill Clayburgh appeared on the screen (in a hilarious turn as Wiig’s nutsy mother).

BRIDESMAIDS is worth seeing, guys. Don’t worry. This isn’t SEX AND THE CITY. This isn’t one of those Julia Roberts/Diane Lane/Cameron Diaz goes to Italy and finds herself snoozefests. This is a date movie you will not only tolerate but even like. And some of you may even come away with a better understanding of just what women go through. Okay, well… you’ll find it funny.

Clarence Clemons

Anyone who has ever been to a Bruce Springsteen concert knows of Clarence Clemons. You can keep all the gee-tar men, give me the Big Man with the wailing sax. His saxophone solos electrified every song he ever played on. And Bruce’s generosity in really showcasing his talented E. Street Band allowed us to get to know them all. And for me – the real shining member was Clemons.

He always played with such soul and joy. And again, if you’ve ever been to a Springsteen concert, that usually meant soul and joy for four hours. How he didn’t blow his liver out through that horn every night I still don’t know.

Clarence passed away yesterday at age 69. Way too young. And how many of those years were spent on buses and planes and station wagons getting from gig to gig to gig? Like I said, waaay too young. He deserved an extra year for each 10,000 interstate miles.

Or at least one more encore. Blow Big Man, blow!



Thank you, Clarence. You will be forever missed.

Happy Father's Day!!

Especially to my own father, Cliff, who is both my hero and role model.

Note to those wives and kids planning to celebrate: no brunches. That’s Mother’s Day stuff. Let the old man sit in front of the TV and watch NASCAR or the WNBA. 

Or watch FIELD OF DREAMS.

And now, as a public service, here are some movies NOT to watch on Father’s Day:

FEAR STRIKES OUT

CHINATOWN

SHINE

WALK THE LINE

OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

DEAD POETS SOCIETY

STAR WARS

Some TV shows and telefilms NOT to watch:

THE MARVIN GAYE STORY

THE BEACH BOYS STORY

Any CBS family comedy

Some unfriendly father plays:

ALL MY SONS

DEATH OF A SALESMAN (any Arthur Miller, actually)

LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT

Some books to avoid:

Any Bing Crosby biography

Any Frank Sinatra biography

LOVE STORY (for so many reasons)

Records to skip:

PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE by the Temptations

BOY NAMED SUE by Johnny Cash

MY DAD by Paul Peterson

Any other suggestions are welcome.

Again, happy Father’s Day – the most sacred of the bullshit Hallmark holidays.

Try to rap your mind around this

Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote that amazing closing rap for the Tony Award Show last week... pretty much on the fly.  Here is a backstage video showing him composing the piece and then the final live performance.  How Neil Patrick Harris was able to deliver it without seven days of rehearsal is still way beyond me. 

How to break into TV and other questions?

Welcome to Friday Question Day. So without any further adieu…

VP81955 asks:

When you had a guest star whose background was essentially in film, with next to no TV experience, was it difficult to guide him or her through the somewhat different technique of television acting?

Since single-camera television is the same process as features, the only adjustment is that the shooting schedule is accelerated. So that’s pretty easy.

With multi-camera comedies it’s a little different, because they're shot like a play in front of a live audience. But most actors come from a theater background so there too, the adjustment isn’t very major.

The only two examples that come from personal experience are both from FRASIER. Michael Keaton, a wonderful actor, did an episode we wrote. And I thought his facial expressions and performance was a little too nuanced. On the big screen it would have been perfect, but on the small screen there were some subtle moments I felt were lost.

The other example, also from an episode my partner David Isaacs and I wrote, was when Aaron Eckhart guested. In fairness, he came in in the last minute so really didn’t have time to settle in. But he had a tough time. Fortunately, we just re-shot until we got it, and ultimately on camera he was his usual stellar self.

On the other hand, Laura Linney was also on that episode and from moment one it was like she had been doing multi-camera all her life. I love Laura Linney, by the way. And that’s one of the many reasons why.

Anonymous has a question. Usually I don’t respond unless you leave a name but it’s a question many have so I felt it should be addressed. Still, leave a name.

I would be interested to hear your take on the best route to writing for TV. I think most people who are trying realize the traditional route of specs, networking, working towards a writing assistant gig, etc. But I'd be curious as to what your take on the current climate is. Is a spec as worthwhile as it once was? Is it worth working towards a writing assistant gig as those, numbers-wise, are harder to get than a staff job? Is it more worthwhile to put shorts on the internet, do stand-up, or get a play produced? Everyone always talks about the cuspiness of the TV industry, but it seems like the advice given to writers at panels in LA and whatnot hasn't changed all that much.

I would try all of those methods. Anything you could do to get yourself noticed in a positive way.

Specs are as important today as before. The only difference is that now agents and showrunners want original material in addition to specs from existing shows. It used to be if you had one good spec for SEINFELD that would serve as your calling card. Now you need at least two, usually three samples and at least one being a pilot, screenplay, or one act play.

Oh, and one other tip: on the cover page of your script, it’s usually a good idea to leave a name. I’m just sayin’.

From Kevin S:

During the filming of 'Cheers', what was the protocol for making sure all the glassware (mugs, wine & martini glasses) were clean and sanitary for each week's use by various cast members?

The unsung hero of CHEERS was our prop master, Frankie Bellina. Can you imagine what a nightmare CHEERS was for a prop person? All those glasses, mugs, pretzel bowls, bottles, etc. Frankie was the best. Every glass was always washed and ready to go. He was so organized so that every scene change he had the exact right amount of glasses and mugs and knew exactly where each went. I don't know how he did it.  Writing and directing pales by comparison.

These are things you don’t think about while watching a show but talented dedicated professionals are behind the scene busting their humps.

I’d toast you, Frankie but I misplaced my mug.

And finally, Carol needs help (and a Valium):

I somehow volunteered to write some 'skits' for this fundraiser my theatre (Dead Playwrights Repertory - shameless plug!) is doing, and now I'm panicking. They will be Shakespeare related, and hopefully funny. Can you give me some calming words of writerly wisdom to help get me started? (or a rich Hollywood patron to support us so I don't have to do this?)

I’m still looking for a rich Hollywood patron to support me. First, off, relax. Once you finally finish you will realize the task wasn’t as daunting as you thought.

My advice would be to get something down on paper fairly quickly. Even if it’s very rough. But it’s always so much easier to fix when you have something already on paper.

So dive in. And try to fool yourself into thinking this will be fun and liberating. Good luck with it.

What’s your question?  Or should I say, what's your name and question? 

Barca president slams Special One for "totally unfounded accusations"

Barcelona president Sandro Rosell today accused Real Madrid and their coach Jose Mourinho of going too far last season with their "totally unfounded accusations" against the Catalan giants.

Relations between the arch rivals plummeted during a run of four matches in just 18 days between the two Spanish giants in the Primera Division, Champions League semi-finals and Copa del Rey final.

Speaking at a press conference today, Rosell hit out at Madrid's conduct in a lengthy statement.

He said: "We feel that this season Real Madrid have gone beyond all the limits of necessary sporting rivalry, directing accusations towards our club, without any type of foundation."


Madrid boss Mourinho caused a huge controversy in his post-match press conference following April's Champions League semi-final first leg at the Bernabeu when he implied Barca receive favourable treatment from referees and claimed the Catalan club had yet to win a "clean" Champions League title under coach Pep Guardiola.

That ill-tempered encounter also saw both Spanish rivals lodge complaints against the other to UEFA afterwards, with Barca singling out Mourinho for his comments and Madrid responding by accusing the Catalan club's players of "feigning aggressions" during the clash.

Ahead of the second leg in Barcelona there were also allegations of racism against Barca midfielder Sergio Busquets towards Madrid defender Marcelo in the same game.

Rosell, whose club won the semi-final 3-1 on aggregate and went on to beat Manchester United in the final, said: "Comments by the protagonists have always served to enrich footballing debate.

"But this season a Real Madrid employee, their coach, went beyond all the limits of necessary sporting rivalry.

"He even went as far as to say that our coach should feel ashamed of some of our victories. The press conference given by the Real Madrid coach after the first leg of the Champions League semi-finals at the Bernabeu would certainly have made any sportsperson feel ashamed.

"He accused our club of having won titles thanks to some kind of national and international conspiracy, implicating in this conspiracy the good name of Unicef and the football authorities.

"We obviously defended ourselves, by presenting a formal complaint to UEFA, who finally decided to sanction him."

Mourinho was handed a five-match touchline ban by UEFA in relation to the semi-final first leg, which saw the Portuguese sent to the stands during the game prior to his post-match tirade.

Madrid have appealed against that ruling.

UEFA dismissed the allegations of racism due to "a lack of strong and convincing evidence," while European football's governing body also rejected Madrid's complaint about the supposed play-acting of Barca's players during the match.

Rosell also commented on a report on Spanish radio station Cadena COPE earlier this year regarding allegations linking Barca to doping practices.

"We defended ourselves, and went to court to deny the accusations made by Cadena COPE, who repeatedly gave the name of Real Madrid as the source and origin of the information," said Rosell.

"I can assure you that if anybody, in the name of Barcelona, had dared to make such an accusation, we would have acted firmly, denying this immediately and taking those responsible to court. We would have liked a similar response from Real Madrid, but sadly we never got one."

In concluding his statement, Rosell said: "The rivalry will continue next season, but we cannot allow the limits of fair play to be passed again.

"If the limits of fair play are passed once again, we shall be obliged to end our institutional relations, something we have absolutely no desire to do. We do not want to do that, but we are not afraid of doing it if we have to.

"A few days ago, the president of Real Madrid (Florentino Perez) said he will not stop until they win "the 10th" (European Cup title).

"We hope he tries to do that on the field of play, in a sportsmanlike fashion and returning to the methods that, we feel, many Madrid fans prefer. The president of Real Madrid has the opportunity to revive our relations, both on and off the field

"By means of this institutional statement, Barcelona wishes to put an end to this lamentable episode, which we hope will never be repeated again, for the good of football, of sport and of all of us that love it."

A day at Black's nude Beach

I had to go to Black’s Beach.

Not sure of its status today, but in the swinging ‘70s Black’s was a large nude beach in San Diego. I was a weekend disc jockey at B100 in 1976 and even though I had lived in San Diego a few years before (when I was full-time at another station) I had never made the pilgrimage. But I was always curious. Who wouldn’t be? You can see vaginas without a cover charge!

I was discussing the Middle East crisis with one of the other jocks from the station one night over tequila shooters and the conversation logically turned to Black’s Beach. Finally, he shrugged and said, “Well, let’s just go.” Damn! Why didn’t I ever think of that? I had to be on the air the next afternoon at 3:00 so we decided to go at noon; giving us a good couple of hours of sunning and ogling.

Black’s Beach is located in La Jolla and -- not surprising -- it’s very secluded. To access it you had to negotiate a half-mile steep path down a sharp cliff. That five-dollar cover charge was looking pretty good to me.

We finally reached the bottom and oh my God. It was as advertised. Filled with naked people, most of them young, many of them girls.

We set down a blanket and it was showdown time. Now understand that I had a hard time in junior high taking showers after gym. That’s just embedded in Jewish DNA. My people tend not to “streak”. We’re not, by nature, a “let it all hang out and frolic” culture. But the DJ who was with me stripped down in seconds. He obviously wasn’t Jewish, which was visually apparent the minute he lowered his pants.

So I figured, what the hell? I was actually very proud of myself. I took off all my clothes. I figured, if I can eat pork I can do this.

I was surprisingly less self-conscious than I thought I would be. We tried to play it very cool. At first I noticed a few guys checking us out as they walked by. I thought, “How juvenile. Still cComparing sizes like schoolboys.” Then it occurred to me -- my friend and I lying on this blanket – we could not have looked more gay if we tried. And it didn’t help that we put sunscreen lotion on each other’s back. What a couple of idiots.

So I grabbed my towel and set it on the sand a safe distance away. The scene itself was rather remarkable. Gorgeous naked college coeds, some oldsters far more comfortable with their saggy flesh than anyone viewing them were, and a number of athletic-looking dudes on the shore tossing the Frisbee around, trying to get noticed. Ironically, there were no blacks at Black’s. My guess is the Frisbee flingers would have been far less proud of themselves if there were.

I decided to take a walk along the beach. I figured that was the most discreet way to check out the scene without seeming obvious. Y’know, I’m walking to the snack stand or the restrooms or the lifeguard station. Except… there were no snack stands or restrooms or lifeguard stations. The only reason to walk along the beach was to scope people out.

There was one girl lying flat on her back on a towel, reading PORTNOY’S COMPLAINT with her legs spread wide apart. Talk about the perfect Philip Roth moment!

I didn’t approach her. What was I going to say? “Have you ever seen so much masturbation in a book in your life?” Besides, I rationalized that even if we had hit it off and she invited me to call her, where could she write the number?

At 2:00 we decided to head back up. Our work here was done. One thing we had forgotten to consider: that steep cliff. Getting down was tricky and time consuming. Now we had to climb. Straight up.

We’re climbing and climbing and I finally check my watch and shit! It’s 2:30 already. We’re only halfway up.

So now we had to essentially sprint. I thought my lungs were going to burst. Got to his car, exhausted, and completely out of breath, and sped to the station; arriving two minutes before I had to go on the air. I’m wearing nothing but a bathing suit. I sign on by gasping.   By 4:00 the sunburn below kicked in.  I did the last three hours of my show with Popsicles on my lap that I bought from the vending machine. 

Things I learned from the experience:

Wear sunglasses. No one can tell you’re staring.

Pack a sandwich and rappelling gear.

This is what Justin Timberlake’s home pool area must look like every Sunday.

Level 60 sunblock protection means nothing to areas never before exposed to the sun. You might as well just squat over a lit bar-b-que pit.

Without wearing a cup, a Frisbee becomes a potential lethal weapon.

and finally: 

Women read PORTNOY’S COMPLAINT.

That was my one and only time at Black's Beach.   And even to this day, if someone hands me a Popsicle my natural urge is to jam it down my pants.